Those who know me personally know that I am a big fan of the television show "Jeopardy!" The once great quiz show format is now-relegated to being the smarter older brother of "Wheel of Fortune," and that's ok, because America is pretty dumb by and large and "Wheel" makes people feel smart.
Anyway, one part of "Jeopardy!" as of late has not been too smart. It's been downright creepy and strange and if it wasn't coming from the coveted commercial spots between Alex's bad jokes I'd swear it was a joke. I am referring to one of "Jeopardy!'s" new sponsors, and their completely insane commerical: Head-On. (Apply directly to the forehead.)
The makers of Head-On (Apply directly to the forehead.) decided that the world's headache medication was lacking. Instead of simple, easy to swallow pills like your Tylenols or Advils, what you really need to do is tackle problem "Head on" (Apply directly to the forehead.) by, well, applying an ointment directly to your forehead. It's basically a deodorant can that you use on your forehead that somehow penetrates the skull and claims to relieve headaches. Nevermind that fact that this product is completely insane and would render a user completely idiotic if anyone ever saw them using it. The commerical is mind control, pure and simple.
If you haven't seen it here's a summary:
(A zombie-like woman stares into space while rubbing a can on her forehead.)
"Head-On. (Apply directly to the forehead.)"
"Head-On. (Apply directly to the forehead.)"
"Head-On. (Apply directly to the forehead.)"
(end)
It's baffling, it's strange, it's amazing! What a great idea for a mind control/advertisement. Just repeat your message in a monotone voice while a zoftic woman stares into the distance and makes you feel dirty for even watching it. What's next? Beer commericals?
"Budweiser. Apply directly to the liver."
Let's just hope the makers of Head-On (Apply directly to the forehead.) don't come up with a herpes mediciation anytime soon. "Head-On. Apply directly to the nutsack."
Something tells me they won't show that commercial on "Jeopardy!"
(Watch the amazingly disturbing and 100% true commercial for "Head-On"(Apply directly to the forehead.)
Monday, July 31, 2006
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Moronic TeleVision
This year marks the 25th anniversary of MTV, the revolutionary channel that helped launch the careers of hundreds of vapid braying airheads and systematically ruined America. Let's all take a moment to congratulate them on this milestone.
MTV began as a simple idea. Put music to a kind of freeform movie - a music video - and have them be shown in succession with the help of an on-air VJ (video jockey). It was basically radio with a visual element. And that's a pretty cool idea. I'm all for movies, I'm all for music. MTV, in 1981, sign me right the hell up. (Well, I wasn't alive, but if I was). Unfortunately, over time, as money and marketing consumed the network this premise was completely abandoned. Today, in 2006, I would pay cash money to someone who can find me a good 15 minutes of full music videos on MTV. At this point, even MTV2 is devoid of any music videos and only plays reruns of "Beavis and Butthead" and derivatives of "Jackass."
I remember back in the day - let's say the era spanning from 1993 to 1996 - when MTV was just the absolute shit. Not "shit" like it is now, but "THE shit." They were just past their ten year anniversary and approaching their 15th. The aforementioned "Beavis and Butthead" was making a whole ton of waves in the media when idiots copied what they saw on TV (and this was also repeated by the aforementioned Jackasses of "Jackass"). The MTV beach house, the mighty MTV beachhouse Tiki God (anyone remember him?), "Headbanger's Ball," The 10 spot, "The State," "The Brothers Grunt" (who even remembers that show besides me?), Jenny McCarthy and Chris Hardwick flirting it up on "Singled Out," and fucking MTV's Oddities starring "The Maxx" and "The Head." It was violent, it was loud, it was sexy, and it was fucked up. THAT is what MTV meant to me as a kid. This taboo network that, when I was nine or ten, was what I immediately put on when the parents went to bed and the remote was all mine.
This was the era of grunge, the era of Generation X, a time when low-budget indie movies called "Slacker" or "Clerks" were coming out and advertising the shiftless lazy masses that wanted to say a big fat 'fuck you' to everything and everyone that expected them to "make something of themselves." MTV was the counter-culture and it was fucking great. I remember staying up late one summer to catch Prodigy's video for "Smack My Bitch Up," which was only aired after 1 am due to the excessive violence, drugs, and nudity it contained. Yeah, MTV played videos back then. And they were starting to do more shows and less music, but it was fine. Most of them still revolved around music anyway. "Beavis and Butthead" was more or less all about mocking bad videos, aside from the whole frog baseball thing. But for anyone with eyes still reading what I have to say on this foresaken blog, I can tell you the very moment, the very day, that the MTV I knew and loved so much, died.
September 14th, 1998
I was but a starting freshman in high school, filled with dread and anticipation over four years that might be hellish and scar me for life (they were and they did). And to coincide with my change of life, one of my favorite networks was about to have a change of its own.
On that fateful September day, they premiered a show called "Total Request Live."
Enter Carson Daly. Enter Britney Spears. Enter NSync and the Backstreet Boys and fucking 98 Degrees and 5ive and every other idiotic boy band. Enter Avril Lavigne and (even though I like them) blink-182. The new audience wasn't that generation x slackerdom that I as a pre-teen so desperately wanted to identify with. No, it was teeny-bopping middle America being pandered to by blonde-haired blue-eyed sirens singing about how they're not that innocent and waving bye, bye, bye. Jump ahead eight years and see the fucking difference MTV made. There are preteen girls out there wearing shirts that say "I faked it." and dressing like whores to be like their precious MTV role models. Fucking disgraceful...
I'm not trying to say that MTV was a positive role model for anyone in the pre-TRL days; like I said, idiots were copying Beavis and Butthead all the time. But truth be told, I'd much rather my kids - should I one day seed them - copy Beavis and Butthead than Paris Hilton and Jessica Simpson. At least Beavis and Butthead blew stuff up, they didn't just act like spoiled brat retards.
Oh well, I've long accepted that my MTV is long gone and recognize the fact that my bitching about this makes me feel like an old man. "In my day," etc... All I can do now is listen to Nirvana, Rage Against the Machine, or Soundgarden, watch my battered old VHS tapes of "The Maxx" and "the State" and remember that once, a long time ago, I was witness to something extraordinary. Maybe it's my beloved Gen-X slackers that are now parents and just don't care that their kids are watching mindless pablum.
Good luck on the next 25 years, MTV. I don't think you can mess society up any more than you already have, so there's the silver lining. That and "Pimp My Ride." I love that show.
MTV began as a simple idea. Put music to a kind of freeform movie - a music video - and have them be shown in succession with the help of an on-air VJ (video jockey). It was basically radio with a visual element. And that's a pretty cool idea. I'm all for movies, I'm all for music. MTV, in 1981, sign me right the hell up. (Well, I wasn't alive, but if I was). Unfortunately, over time, as money and marketing consumed the network this premise was completely abandoned. Today, in 2006, I would pay cash money to someone who can find me a good 15 minutes of full music videos on MTV. At this point, even MTV2 is devoid of any music videos and only plays reruns of "Beavis and Butthead" and derivatives of "Jackass."
I remember back in the day - let's say the era spanning from 1993 to 1996 - when MTV was just the absolute shit. Not "shit" like it is now, but "THE shit." They were just past their ten year anniversary and approaching their 15th. The aforementioned "Beavis and Butthead" was making a whole ton of waves in the media when idiots copied what they saw on TV (and this was also repeated by the aforementioned Jackasses of "Jackass"). The MTV beach house, the mighty MTV beachhouse Tiki God (anyone remember him?), "Headbanger's Ball," The 10 spot, "The State," "The Brothers Grunt" (who even remembers that show besides me?), Jenny McCarthy and Chris Hardwick flirting it up on "Singled Out," and fucking MTV's Oddities starring "The Maxx" and "The Head." It was violent, it was loud, it was sexy, and it was fucked up. THAT is what MTV meant to me as a kid. This taboo network that, when I was nine or ten, was what I immediately put on when the parents went to bed and the remote was all mine.
This was the era of grunge, the era of Generation X, a time when low-budget indie movies called "Slacker" or "Clerks" were coming out and advertising the shiftless lazy masses that wanted to say a big fat 'fuck you' to everything and everyone that expected them to "make something of themselves." MTV was the counter-culture and it was fucking great. I remember staying up late one summer to catch Prodigy's video for "Smack My Bitch Up," which was only aired after 1 am due to the excessive violence, drugs, and nudity it contained. Yeah, MTV played videos back then. And they were starting to do more shows and less music, but it was fine. Most of them still revolved around music anyway. "Beavis and Butthead" was more or less all about mocking bad videos, aside from the whole frog baseball thing. But for anyone with eyes still reading what I have to say on this foresaken blog, I can tell you the very moment, the very day, that the MTV I knew and loved so much, died.
September 14th, 1998
I was but a starting freshman in high school, filled with dread and anticipation over four years that might be hellish and scar me for life (they were and they did). And to coincide with my change of life, one of my favorite networks was about to have a change of its own.
On that fateful September day, they premiered a show called "Total Request Live."
Enter Carson Daly. Enter Britney Spears. Enter NSync and the Backstreet Boys and fucking 98 Degrees and 5ive and every other idiotic boy band. Enter Avril Lavigne and (even though I like them) blink-182. The new audience wasn't that generation x slackerdom that I as a pre-teen so desperately wanted to identify with. No, it was teeny-bopping middle America being pandered to by blonde-haired blue-eyed sirens singing about how they're not that innocent and waving bye, bye, bye. Jump ahead eight years and see the fucking difference MTV made. There are preteen girls out there wearing shirts that say "I faked it." and dressing like whores to be like their precious MTV role models. Fucking disgraceful...
I'm not trying to say that MTV was a positive role model for anyone in the pre-TRL days; like I said, idiots were copying Beavis and Butthead all the time. But truth be told, I'd much rather my kids - should I one day seed them - copy Beavis and Butthead than Paris Hilton and Jessica Simpson. At least Beavis and Butthead blew stuff up, they didn't just act like spoiled brat retards.
Oh well, I've long accepted that my MTV is long gone and recognize the fact that my bitching about this makes me feel like an old man. "In my day," etc... All I can do now is listen to Nirvana, Rage Against the Machine, or Soundgarden, watch my battered old VHS tapes of "The Maxx" and "the State" and remember that once, a long time ago, I was witness to something extraordinary. Maybe it's my beloved Gen-X slackers that are now parents and just don't care that their kids are watching mindless pablum.
Good luck on the next 25 years, MTV. I don't think you can mess society up any more than you already have, so there's the silver lining. That and "Pimp My Ride." I love that show.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
This Week in Comics - 7-26-06
Another week, another $25 well spent on the funny books. What have we this week, you say? Well funny you should ask....
Civil War: Front Line #4 (Marvel) - Three ongoing comics in one, and an excellent supplement to the tightly written Civil War. If only House of M had more exposition like this. The first story interests me the least. Two journalists running around, one with no-name heroes I couldn't care less about, and the other being stalked by the Green Goblin. It's so-so. The better story of the three is the tale of poor powerless Speedball, getting his ass kicked in prison because of his involvment in the Stamford incident. Never thought I'd pay hard-earned money for a comic about a C-List character getting beaten up in prison, but here we are. Finally, the Sleeper Cell story is very intriguing. The whole idea of Atlantis Invading is a good one to me, and I'm anxious to see where it goes. I could do without the final pages of this book that compares the events of Civil War to actual historical battles. It just cheapens what the battles were fough for and makes Marvel look extremely pompous. Still, good stuff. "B"
Civil War: Runaways and Young Avengers #1 (Marvel) - There's no way I wasn't going to buy this, being a fan of the respective titles crossing over here. But it's not written by Runaways mastermind Brian K. Vaughn or Young Avengers uber-scribe Allan Heinberg. And that really shows. The runaways aren't as clever or witty as they usually are, and a few of them seem outlandishly out of character. (Why is Xavin a prick now?) The young Avengers aren't as heavily featured so their inaccuracies aren't as perceptible. Still, while not the worst comic ever (it's pretty solid, actually) I can't help but wonder what Vaughn or Heinberg would have brought to the table. "B"
Wolverine #44 (Marvel) - Woo. More Civil War. But this is by far the best Wolverine I've read since Mark Millar's "Enemy of the State" a few years ago. I was at first pretty mad that generic vaguely powered villains had entered the fray, but, surprise surprise, they're part of the Atlantean Invasion building over in Front Line. Very nice cross-promotion storytelling guys. And you don't even need to read one to enjoy the other. That's the way I likes my books; tightly editted, wonderfully written, and filled with blood and violence. I'd say I hope Marc Guggenheim didn't stop writing this title for a good long while, but he's being replaced by Jeph "I'm the Fucking Man and I used to work for Lost" Loeb. It's a good future for Weapon X. "A-"
X-Men #189 (Marvel) - This on the other hand does suffer from the vaguely powered villains syndrome. I do not care at all about Carey's team of uninteresting Mexican supervillains. What's worse is that they seem to be non-mutant but non-human, an idea that has been done to death and never particularly well. I'm probably giving up this book until this arc ends. Chris Bachalo's hideous and unintelligble art doesn't help. "D+"
New Avengers #22 (Marvel) - More Civil War! (Last one of the week though...) It makes me sad that so soon after launching the New Avengers that they're being split apart. It was a nice little team book that had some flaws but also had some kick ass moments in it. New Avengers annual springs to mind, as does the beginning of The Collective arc (not so much the very confusing 'return Magneto's powers' ending.... but i digress). Anyway, this issue focuses on Luke Cage, who if you don't know, is a hard-hitting black guy with unbreakable skin who fights for the hood. So you can kind of guess that he's anti-registration in the whole Civil War thing. Iron Man shows up to push his buttons and a huge fight with SHIELD ensues. Perfectly readable with some very nice touching moments between Cage and his neighbors as well as with his family. Good shit. "A-"
Action Comics #841 (DC) - Ugh. I just started reading weekly Superman comics and I'm already going to have to stop. I can list off a great deal of reasons why this sucks. One, Fabian Nicieza is involved. Two, half of the issue is about Nightwing and Firestorm, who I don't care about at all. Three, absurd alien robot spiders appear out of nowhere and they speak in broken English and go about stealing famous chruches to sell to some giant extraterrestial Auctioneer. Good luck with that. "D"
Fifty Two: Week 12 (DC) - I guess it had to happen sometime. When you have a book that's being told every single week for a year, the creative team is going to lose steam at some point. It's not that this issue isn't good, it's just kind of bland. Lots of build up and not a lot of payoff. Sure, some new superchick named Isis joins the Marvel family, but... meh. Why do I care? I do like all the Elongated Man stuff, though. Slow building, but he's a character who gets a bad rap and he's being well portrayed here. I just want to see something of use happen. "B-"
Batman #655 (DC) - This, however, is quite the opposite of the other DC books I picked up this week. Let's see, it starts with Commissioner Gordon getting poisoned, the Joker gets shot in the face, there's two Batmans for a second, Alfred teaches Batman how to be Bruce Wayne, and we end with a child who claims to be Bruce's son. And it's written by Grant Morrison and drawn by Andy Kubert. Yeah. It's fucking good. "A"
That's all for now, people who aren't reading this. Enjoy.
Civil War: Front Line #4 (Marvel) - Three ongoing comics in one, and an excellent supplement to the tightly written Civil War. If only House of M had more exposition like this. The first story interests me the least. Two journalists running around, one with no-name heroes I couldn't care less about, and the other being stalked by the Green Goblin. It's so-so. The better story of the three is the tale of poor powerless Speedball, getting his ass kicked in prison because of his involvment in the Stamford incident. Never thought I'd pay hard-earned money for a comic about a C-List character getting beaten up in prison, but here we are. Finally, the Sleeper Cell story is very intriguing. The whole idea of Atlantis Invading is a good one to me, and I'm anxious to see where it goes. I could do without the final pages of this book that compares the events of Civil War to actual historical battles. It just cheapens what the battles were fough for and makes Marvel look extremely pompous. Still, good stuff. "B"
Civil War: Runaways and Young Avengers #1 (Marvel) - There's no way I wasn't going to buy this, being a fan of the respective titles crossing over here. But it's not written by Runaways mastermind Brian K. Vaughn or Young Avengers uber-scribe Allan Heinberg. And that really shows. The runaways aren't as clever or witty as they usually are, and a few of them seem outlandishly out of character. (Why is Xavin a prick now?) The young Avengers aren't as heavily featured so their inaccuracies aren't as perceptible. Still, while not the worst comic ever (it's pretty solid, actually) I can't help but wonder what Vaughn or Heinberg would have brought to the table. "B"
Wolverine #44 (Marvel) - Woo. More Civil War. But this is by far the best Wolverine I've read since Mark Millar's "Enemy of the State" a few years ago. I was at first pretty mad that generic vaguely powered villains had entered the fray, but, surprise surprise, they're part of the Atlantean Invasion building over in Front Line. Very nice cross-promotion storytelling guys. And you don't even need to read one to enjoy the other. That's the way I likes my books; tightly editted, wonderfully written, and filled with blood and violence. I'd say I hope Marc Guggenheim didn't stop writing this title for a good long while, but he's being replaced by Jeph "I'm the Fucking Man and I used to work for Lost" Loeb. It's a good future for Weapon X. "A-"
X-Men #189 (Marvel) - This on the other hand does suffer from the vaguely powered villains syndrome. I do not care at all about Carey's team of uninteresting Mexican supervillains. What's worse is that they seem to be non-mutant but non-human, an idea that has been done to death and never particularly well. I'm probably giving up this book until this arc ends. Chris Bachalo's hideous and unintelligble art doesn't help. "D+"
New Avengers #22 (Marvel) - More Civil War! (Last one of the week though...) It makes me sad that so soon after launching the New Avengers that they're being split apart. It was a nice little team book that had some flaws but also had some kick ass moments in it. New Avengers annual springs to mind, as does the beginning of The Collective arc (not so much the very confusing 'return Magneto's powers' ending.... but i digress). Anyway, this issue focuses on Luke Cage, who if you don't know, is a hard-hitting black guy with unbreakable skin who fights for the hood. So you can kind of guess that he's anti-registration in the whole Civil War thing. Iron Man shows up to push his buttons and a huge fight with SHIELD ensues. Perfectly readable with some very nice touching moments between Cage and his neighbors as well as with his family. Good shit. "A-"
Action Comics #841 (DC) - Ugh. I just started reading weekly Superman comics and I'm already going to have to stop. I can list off a great deal of reasons why this sucks. One, Fabian Nicieza is involved. Two, half of the issue is about Nightwing and Firestorm, who I don't care about at all. Three, absurd alien robot spiders appear out of nowhere and they speak in broken English and go about stealing famous chruches to sell to some giant extraterrestial Auctioneer. Good luck with that. "D"
Fifty Two: Week 12 (DC) - I guess it had to happen sometime. When you have a book that's being told every single week for a year, the creative team is going to lose steam at some point. It's not that this issue isn't good, it's just kind of bland. Lots of build up and not a lot of payoff. Sure, some new superchick named Isis joins the Marvel family, but... meh. Why do I care? I do like all the Elongated Man stuff, though. Slow building, but he's a character who gets a bad rap and he's being well portrayed here. I just want to see something of use happen. "B-"
Batman #655 (DC) - This, however, is quite the opposite of the other DC books I picked up this week. Let's see, it starts with Commissioner Gordon getting poisoned, the Joker gets shot in the face, there's two Batmans for a second, Alfred teaches Batman how to be Bruce Wayne, and we end with a child who claims to be Bruce's son. And it's written by Grant Morrison and drawn by Andy Kubert. Yeah. It's fucking good. "A"
That's all for now, people who aren't reading this. Enjoy.
Monday, July 24, 2006
Venom's Gonna Eat Yo Brains!
In light of this past weekend's San Diego ComicCon, I felt it only fitting to discuss what I, as a very interested and consciencous observer, took out of ComicCon news coverage to be the most important nugget of information:
In May 2007, Venom is going to eat your brains.
I know, I know. I'm really sorry you have to hear it like this. That motherfucker is going to eat the brains right out of your skull.
See, Venom is kind of like the evil Spider-Man and he needs brains to survive. Director of the Spider-Man film franchise, Sam Raimi, was reluctant to use Venom in his third movie, but really couldn't say no once the very large and imposing Venom came crashing into his office, wrapped a vice-like grip around Raimi's head, and said "Put me in movie or I's gonna eat yo brains!" The Evil Dead director purportedly said,"Yes sir" as feces gripped the sides of his legs.
Venom will be portrayed on the big screen by "That 70s Show" thesp Topher Grace. Grace was also reluctant to take on this very challenging role for the simple reason that Venom promised to eat Grace's brains after shooting finished. Principal photography for the film ended weeks ago and Grace was seen barricading his Hollywood home with flaming barrels and sonic disruptors. Venom's weaknesses are heat, sound and lack of brain flesh. Friend of Grace's, Wilmer Valderrama who played "That 70s Show" sidekick Fez, was brutally murdered by Venom just yards from Grace's house. Police are still looking for Hyde, Jackie, and Tommy Chong, all also reported missing. It is unknown whether Venom stalks Ashton Kutcher, as he was born without a brain.
Reluctantly, the head of Sony's film department, the powerhouse producers of the Spider-Man trilogy, agreed to Venom's very unique brand of marketing for the film. Spinning out of such nouveau marketing ideas like "The LOST Experience" online game or "The DaVinci Code's" Seek the Clues game, "Spider-Man 3" will be presented in real-life "VenomVision" wherein the hulking brute will devour movie-goers' brains at random and inopportune times during presentations of the film. He will be hiding in the rafters of movie houses across the country, dipping down into the crowds as he pleases, lobotomizing patrons with his snake-like tongue and razor sharp teeth.
A surprise appearance by Venom at ComicCon was greeted with shrieks of glee and horror. "I can't believe the REAL Venom is here!" yelled one fan moments before he was maimed and dismembered by Venom's bare hands. "BRAINS!" said Venom, when questioned by local authorities.
Born Eddie Brock, his hatred of Spider-Man coupled with a powerful alien symbiote turned him into Venom. Readers may remember the election of 2000, wherein Venom threw his hat into the running for the Republican party nomination. "Venom think no child be left behind!" was his response to our country's education problems.
Yes, friends, May 4th, 2007 will truly be a black day for American brains.
In May 2007, Venom is going to eat your brains.
I know, I know. I'm really sorry you have to hear it like this. That motherfucker is going to eat the brains right out of your skull.
See, Venom is kind of like the evil Spider-Man and he needs brains to survive. Director of the Spider-Man film franchise, Sam Raimi, was reluctant to use Venom in his third movie, but really couldn't say no once the very large and imposing Venom came crashing into his office, wrapped a vice-like grip around Raimi's head, and said "Put me in movie or I's gonna eat yo brains!" The Evil Dead director purportedly said,"Yes sir" as feces gripped the sides of his legs.
Venom will be portrayed on the big screen by "That 70s Show" thesp Topher Grace. Grace was also reluctant to take on this very challenging role for the simple reason that Venom promised to eat Grace's brains after shooting finished. Principal photography for the film ended weeks ago and Grace was seen barricading his Hollywood home with flaming barrels and sonic disruptors. Venom's weaknesses are heat, sound and lack of brain flesh. Friend of Grace's, Wilmer Valderrama who played "That 70s Show" sidekick Fez, was brutally murdered by Venom just yards from Grace's house. Police are still looking for Hyde, Jackie, and Tommy Chong, all also reported missing. It is unknown whether Venom stalks Ashton Kutcher, as he was born without a brain.
Reluctantly, the head of Sony's film department, the powerhouse producers of the Spider-Man trilogy, agreed to Venom's very unique brand of marketing for the film. Spinning out of such nouveau marketing ideas like "The LOST Experience" online game or "The DaVinci Code's" Seek the Clues game, "Spider-Man 3" will be presented in real-life "VenomVision" wherein the hulking brute will devour movie-goers' brains at random and inopportune times during presentations of the film. He will be hiding in the rafters of movie houses across the country, dipping down into the crowds as he pleases, lobotomizing patrons with his snake-like tongue and razor sharp teeth.
A surprise appearance by Venom at ComicCon was greeted with shrieks of glee and horror. "I can't believe the REAL Venom is here!" yelled one fan moments before he was maimed and dismembered by Venom's bare hands. "BRAINS!" said Venom, when questioned by local authorities.
Born Eddie Brock, his hatred of Spider-Man coupled with a powerful alien symbiote turned him into Venom. Readers may remember the election of 2000, wherein Venom threw his hat into the running for the Republican party nomination. "Venom think no child be left behind!" was his response to our country's education problems.
Yes, friends, May 4th, 2007 will truly be a black day for American brains.
Thursday, July 20, 2006
The Hammock Complex? Down on 3rd?
Man, these online hammock distributors are real shysty characters. All I want to do is buy a nice comfortable, yet cheap, hammock that I can replace my bed with, but OH NO, the hammock stand in the picture doesn't come with the hammock. You have to buy a hammock stand separately. What kind of scam are they running here?
Discount hammocks and jacked-up prices for steel hammock stands. That's not what America was founded on. That's not even what Russia was founded on. Whatever happened to the old American ideal of a chicken in every pot and a hammock free with stand? I tell you this country's gone to the dogs.
I just wanted a nice affordable indoor hammock for sleeping and lazing purposes and instead I went on a wild goose chase through online hammockeries where stands and hammocks could never co-exist peacefully.
It's times like this that I just want to give up my hammock-bed idea and go back to sleep on a mattress. Like some loser.
Discount hammocks and jacked-up prices for steel hammock stands. That's not what America was founded on. That's not even what Russia was founded on. Whatever happened to the old American ideal of a chicken in every pot and a hammock free with stand? I tell you this country's gone to the dogs.
I just wanted a nice affordable indoor hammock for sleeping and lazing purposes and instead I went on a wild goose chase through online hammockeries where stands and hammocks could never co-exist peacefully.
It's times like this that I just want to give up my hammock-bed idea and go back to sleep on a mattress. Like some loser.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Comics Reviews - 7-19-06
One thing I greatly enjoy is comics. Buying them, reading them, talking about them. S'all good to me. Problem is most people I know don't even touch the things, let alone want to hear me talk about them. So for people too cheap, too disinterested, or just too lame to be down with the comics scene, I'm gonna post on this here blog my thoughts of the comics I bought for the week. Read it if you care, don't if you don't. There's plenty of websites with pictures of cute puppies or videos where people blow up stuff on the Internet to further waste your lives.
CIVIL WAR #3 (Marvel) - For the un-informed, Civil War is Marvel's big summer mega-event. The skinny so far goes like this: The New Warriors, a team of C-List superheroes, were doing a reality show where they fight bad guys on live TV. Most of them were only 18 or 19 and they weren't the names you'd want on your side if Galactus came calling (What's Speedball gonna do? Bounce off of him?). Anyway, they went to bust four C-List bad guys and one of them villains goes and blows up a school and lots of innocent people get killed - on live TV. This leads to the Superhuman Registration Act, wherein all superpowered individuals must register with the government and become paid federal employees. Iron Man is all about it; Captain America is not. Each has a posse. Oh, and last issue Spider-Man publicly revealed that he was Peter Parker. Got all that?
Anyway, this issue, Cap's team, known now as the Secret Avengers, butts heads with Iron Man's Super-Narcs. And that's pretty much it, but don't get me wrong; it kicks ass. If you want to see Steve McNiven's depiction of Iron Man knocking out Captain America's teeth, he's got you covered, and damn is it good. The last page is a big reveal of a character who's been dead for a few years and has apparently come back to side with Iron Man. There's some other stuff in here about Black Panther, the X-Men, and some other ancillary characters, but really, you're either reading this already or you never will. I'd highly recommend you read it. "A"
Eternals #2 (of 6) (Marvel) - Real quick, here's what you need to know. In the 60's Jack Kirby came up with these characters called the Eternals who were immortal superheroes from the dawn of time. No one really ever heard of them or used them in 30 years or so, but now Neil "The Sandman" Gaiman is writing it and it kicks ass. John Romita Jr.'s art doesn't really do it for me in general, but he's a lot better placed on this book than he was on "The Sentry" limited series from last year. In this issue, Ikaras gets tortured, Makkari and Sersi fall in love immediately, and a hostage situation breaks out at a party. I'm not doing it justice here, but since anyone reading this probably doesn't understand a word of what I've just said anyhow, I'll give it a rating and press on. "A"
Justice League of America #0 (DC) - Brad Meltzer, author of "Identity Crisis" two years back, has returned to write the relaunch of JLA. And say what you will about "Identity," (personally, I thought it was good but overrated) Meltzer can write. And it doesn't hurt him that just about every big artist in the employ of DC contributes a page or two to this issue. Basically, the big three, Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman, reminisce about various points in the career of the JLA, ultimately stopping at the present when they get together to decide who's going to be in the new one. Nothing new happens; it's just a rehash of old stuff, some of which I didn't get because I've only recently started throwing large sums of money into the DC Universe. That said, this issue is absolutely amazing. This is why I read comics, this issue right here. Meltzer nails the voice of all three of his characters and shows us all the critical points in their friendship. So well-written I'm going to read it again when I finish writing this. Hands down the best book I've read all month, and to be fair, this month has been pretty fucking good. "A+"
The Flash #2 (DC) - What the hell is going on in this book? The viewpoint jumps back and forth indistinguishably from character to character, and some of those characters are supposed to be dead or missing. Though this issue is more coherent than the last, it's still not a vast improvement. Yet, I'm pining to know where it's going and I've only just started collecting Flash comics, so they've got me for now. Nice art by Ken Lashley doesn't hurt it either. "B-"
Uncanny X-Men #476 (Marvel) - I really hope Ed Brubaker, the new UXM author as of last issue, becomes the next Brian Bendis. He's already writing this book, Captain America, and whatever miniseries Marvel throws at him. Keep giving him books because this guy is the second best writer Marvel has (sorry, no man can top Brian K. Vaughn). I care about Warpath because of Brubaker and Warpath has consistently sucked for 20 years. In this issue, the team of X-Men that doesn't hate Professor X for lying about the Krakoa mission (leftover plotlines from Brubaker's X-Men: Deadly Genesis series) go off into a volcano and find an old Shi'ar base to steal a rocket ship. And that's it really, nothing fancy. Just a good solid team book, something that this title has not been since... God, I can't even remember. I really don't care about the whole third Summers brother plot line, but since it hasn't reared up in full yet, the book is still a lot of fun. Darwin is still a pretty useless new character though. Leaps and bounds over what this book had been for years under Chris Claremont. "B+"
52: Week 11 (DC) - Quickly now, 52 is DC's answer to Fox's 24. It comes out every week, which is pretty absurd by comic standards, and focuses on a missing year in DC continuity since the editors jumped every other title up a year following last year's "Infinite Crisis." This week, Elongated Man goes crazy and beats up kids as he tracks down a cult worshipping the dead Superboy, Batwoman is introduced and she's a hot lesbian, and apparently Sue Dibny is coming back to life. That was quick. Hard to keep a title like this with so many characters fresh, so it feels like it's starting to drag a bit, but I'm still gonna buy it everyweek. Needs more Booster Gold though. "B"
Runaways #19 (Marvel) - The end of the Parental Guidance arc. Brian K. Vaughn writes this title and he's my personal favorite author. AND he kills of Gert, my least favorite runaway, while seemingly bringing Karolina back full time and adding a shape-shifting Super Skrull to the team. Works for me, but bring back Excelsior man! Also, Victor calls Chase a Leeroy Jenkins when he runs into battle without listening in a very geeky Internet fueled in-joke. Bonus points. I doubt anyone reading this understands what I just said. Regardless, "A-"
X-Men: Civil War #1 (Marvel) - The X-Men miniseries tying into Civil War (that should be obvious). This is really just a continuation of X-Men: The 198, which was the miniseries tying into last year's "House of M." And 198 sucked. This is marginally better, but I still have no idea why Bishop would support the Registration Act considering he comes from a future where all mutants were branded as such and brutally oppressed. I really don't want to read this title, but I will keep buying, just like I did with The 198, because I'll be mad if I do miss something good. Hasn't happened yet. "C+"
X-Factor #9 (Marvel) - As much as I loved X-Factor when it came out, I think it's losing it's steam. Forced to contend with useless Layla Miller as a cast member and now forced to stray from it's ongoing plotlines to deal with Civil War. At least Quicksilver is around now, all crazy and hepped up on Terrigen Mists, after last year's "Son of M" series. I'm not sure if the next issue has to do with Civil War or not, but I hope it doesn't. The title's supposed to be about a mutant detective agency, and that's not what this issue is. This one is a near-fight with the X-Men that only serves to establish that Quicksilver, a man who should be a wanted criminal, is now in Madrox and company's care. Peter David can write them better than this, though I did like the scene where Madrox helps the inept New Warrior escape from the police. "B-"
Ultimate X-Men #72 (Marvel) - Part one of "Magical," but really part seven of Robert Kirkman's introductory arc on the title. The X-Men fight the Ultimate Friends of Humanity in a nice little throwback fight, which is perfectly acceptable and very well drawn by Tom Raney. I don't know where Kirkman is going with this Magician character, especially with the twist ending that makes him not what he seems to be. Seems like a standard, here's a good guy you've never heard of but wait he's actually a bad guy! Grant Morrison did it much better in New X-Men with Xorneto, but Kirkman is a great writer and I'll wait to see where he's going with this. I also want to know why he brought back Brian K. Vaughn's very forgettable Syndicate character. We'll see. "B"
And that's everything I spent my money on today. I doubt anyone has actually read it, but I had fun writing it. I'm gonna do comics reviews every Wednesday/Thursday, so if you're interested in such things, ch-check it out. And for anyone who wants to blow some money on some good trade paperbacks, pick up any one of these and you'll have done your mind a whole lot of justice:
Captain America: The Winter Soldier (Vol. 1)
DMZ: On the Ground (Vol. 1)
Fables: Legends In Exile (vol. 1)
CIVIL WAR #3 (Marvel) - For the un-informed, Civil War is Marvel's big summer mega-event. The skinny so far goes like this: The New Warriors, a team of C-List superheroes, were doing a reality show where they fight bad guys on live TV. Most of them were only 18 or 19 and they weren't the names you'd want on your side if Galactus came calling (What's Speedball gonna do? Bounce off of him?). Anyway, they went to bust four C-List bad guys and one of them villains goes and blows up a school and lots of innocent people get killed - on live TV. This leads to the Superhuman Registration Act, wherein all superpowered individuals must register with the government and become paid federal employees. Iron Man is all about it; Captain America is not. Each has a posse. Oh, and last issue Spider-Man publicly revealed that he was Peter Parker. Got all that?
Anyway, this issue, Cap's team, known now as the Secret Avengers, butts heads with Iron Man's Super-Narcs. And that's pretty much it, but don't get me wrong; it kicks ass. If you want to see Steve McNiven's depiction of Iron Man knocking out Captain America's teeth, he's got you covered, and damn is it good. The last page is a big reveal of a character who's been dead for a few years and has apparently come back to side with Iron Man. There's some other stuff in here about Black Panther, the X-Men, and some other ancillary characters, but really, you're either reading this already or you never will. I'd highly recommend you read it. "A"
Eternals #2 (of 6) (Marvel) - Real quick, here's what you need to know. In the 60's Jack Kirby came up with these characters called the Eternals who were immortal superheroes from the dawn of time. No one really ever heard of them or used them in 30 years or so, but now Neil "The Sandman" Gaiman is writing it and it kicks ass. John Romita Jr.'s art doesn't really do it for me in general, but he's a lot better placed on this book than he was on "The Sentry" limited series from last year. In this issue, Ikaras gets tortured, Makkari and Sersi fall in love immediately, and a hostage situation breaks out at a party. I'm not doing it justice here, but since anyone reading this probably doesn't understand a word of what I've just said anyhow, I'll give it a rating and press on. "A"
Justice League of America #0 (DC) - Brad Meltzer, author of "Identity Crisis" two years back, has returned to write the relaunch of JLA. And say what you will about "Identity," (personally, I thought it was good but overrated) Meltzer can write. And it doesn't hurt him that just about every big artist in the employ of DC contributes a page or two to this issue. Basically, the big three, Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman, reminisce about various points in the career of the JLA, ultimately stopping at the present when they get together to decide who's going to be in the new one. Nothing new happens; it's just a rehash of old stuff, some of which I didn't get because I've only recently started throwing large sums of money into the DC Universe. That said, this issue is absolutely amazing. This is why I read comics, this issue right here. Meltzer nails the voice of all three of his characters and shows us all the critical points in their friendship. So well-written I'm going to read it again when I finish writing this. Hands down the best book I've read all month, and to be fair, this month has been pretty fucking good. "A+"
The Flash #2 (DC) - What the hell is going on in this book? The viewpoint jumps back and forth indistinguishably from character to character, and some of those characters are supposed to be dead or missing. Though this issue is more coherent than the last, it's still not a vast improvement. Yet, I'm pining to know where it's going and I've only just started collecting Flash comics, so they've got me for now. Nice art by Ken Lashley doesn't hurt it either. "B-"
Uncanny X-Men #476 (Marvel) - I really hope Ed Brubaker, the new UXM author as of last issue, becomes the next Brian Bendis. He's already writing this book, Captain America, and whatever miniseries Marvel throws at him. Keep giving him books because this guy is the second best writer Marvel has (sorry, no man can top Brian K. Vaughn). I care about Warpath because of Brubaker and Warpath has consistently sucked for 20 years. In this issue, the team of X-Men that doesn't hate Professor X for lying about the Krakoa mission (leftover plotlines from Brubaker's X-Men: Deadly Genesis series) go off into a volcano and find an old Shi'ar base to steal a rocket ship. And that's it really, nothing fancy. Just a good solid team book, something that this title has not been since... God, I can't even remember. I really don't care about the whole third Summers brother plot line, but since it hasn't reared up in full yet, the book is still a lot of fun. Darwin is still a pretty useless new character though. Leaps and bounds over what this book had been for years under Chris Claremont. "B+"
52: Week 11 (DC) - Quickly now, 52 is DC's answer to Fox's 24. It comes out every week, which is pretty absurd by comic standards, and focuses on a missing year in DC continuity since the editors jumped every other title up a year following last year's "Infinite Crisis." This week, Elongated Man goes crazy and beats up kids as he tracks down a cult worshipping the dead Superboy, Batwoman is introduced and she's a hot lesbian, and apparently Sue Dibny is coming back to life. That was quick. Hard to keep a title like this with so many characters fresh, so it feels like it's starting to drag a bit, but I'm still gonna buy it everyweek. Needs more Booster Gold though. "B"
Runaways #19 (Marvel) - The end of the Parental Guidance arc. Brian K. Vaughn writes this title and he's my personal favorite author. AND he kills of Gert, my least favorite runaway, while seemingly bringing Karolina back full time and adding a shape-shifting Super Skrull to the team. Works for me, but bring back Excelsior man! Also, Victor calls Chase a Leeroy Jenkins when he runs into battle without listening in a very geeky Internet fueled in-joke. Bonus points. I doubt anyone reading this understands what I just said. Regardless, "A-"
X-Men: Civil War #1 (Marvel) - The X-Men miniseries tying into Civil War (that should be obvious). This is really just a continuation of X-Men: The 198, which was the miniseries tying into last year's "House of M." And 198 sucked. This is marginally better, but I still have no idea why Bishop would support the Registration Act considering he comes from a future where all mutants were branded as such and brutally oppressed. I really don't want to read this title, but I will keep buying, just like I did with The 198, because I'll be mad if I do miss something good. Hasn't happened yet. "C+"
X-Factor #9 (Marvel) - As much as I loved X-Factor when it came out, I think it's losing it's steam. Forced to contend with useless Layla Miller as a cast member and now forced to stray from it's ongoing plotlines to deal with Civil War. At least Quicksilver is around now, all crazy and hepped up on Terrigen Mists, after last year's "Son of M" series. I'm not sure if the next issue has to do with Civil War or not, but I hope it doesn't. The title's supposed to be about a mutant detective agency, and that's not what this issue is. This one is a near-fight with the X-Men that only serves to establish that Quicksilver, a man who should be a wanted criminal, is now in Madrox and company's care. Peter David can write them better than this, though I did like the scene where Madrox helps the inept New Warrior escape from the police. "B-"
Ultimate X-Men #72 (Marvel) - Part one of "Magical," but really part seven of Robert Kirkman's introductory arc on the title. The X-Men fight the Ultimate Friends of Humanity in a nice little throwback fight, which is perfectly acceptable and very well drawn by Tom Raney. I don't know where Kirkman is going with this Magician character, especially with the twist ending that makes him not what he seems to be. Seems like a standard, here's a good guy you've never heard of but wait he's actually a bad guy! Grant Morrison did it much better in New X-Men with Xorneto, but Kirkman is a great writer and I'll wait to see where he's going with this. I also want to know why he brought back Brian K. Vaughn's very forgettable Syndicate character. We'll see. "B"
And that's everything I spent my money on today. I doubt anyone has actually read it, but I had fun writing it. I'm gonna do comics reviews every Wednesday/Thursday, so if you're interested in such things, ch-check it out. And for anyone who wants to blow some money on some good trade paperbacks, pick up any one of these and you'll have done your mind a whole lot of justice:
Captain America: The Winter Soldier (Vol. 1)
DMZ: On the Ground (Vol. 1)
Fables: Legends In Exile (vol. 1)
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Kitlers
This is absolutely absurd and must be seen to be believed.
http://www.catsthatlooklikehitler.com/
They even call them "Kitlers" which is so adorable that I don't care that it's offensive to most races and veterans of world wars. I haven't been this pumped over a website since www.cuteoverload.com or www.superdickery.com . Both great sites and huge timewasters, but I think cats that look like hitler is the next mySpace.
If only they could spin it into a film deal. I see it now: Snakes on a Plane 2: Cats That Look Like Hitler.
Amazing.
http://www.catsthatlooklikehitler.com/
They even call them "Kitlers" which is so adorable that I don't care that it's offensive to most races and veterans of world wars. I haven't been this pumped over a website since www.cuteoverload.com or www.superdickery.com . Both great sites and huge timewasters, but I think cats that look like hitler is the next mySpace.
If only they could spin it into a film deal. I see it now: Snakes on a Plane 2: Cats That Look Like Hitler.
Amazing.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Mysteries Abound on the BQE
It's a downright pain in my nuts to wake up at the morning's asscrack and rally myself to stand in line with other zombies to patiently wait for the bus. Sometimes, (read: everyday), the bus is full and we have to wait for the next one. That's the fun way of saying I could have slept an extra five or ten minutes, and God knows, I would have liked to.
Still, you see some interesting things from the tinted window that hobbles along the BQE. I mean, sure there's landmarks and crap, some lame green statue, but I care not for history. I thrive on the mass medias. That's why billboards are the stars of my morning show.
For instance, did you know that the characters on USA's "Psych" are fake psychics, but are still in fact, real detectives? I wasn't convinced the first six hundred times I saw that one, but on that six hundred and oneth, I was sold. (And am now obligated to watch "Psych," a pretty good show, actually.)
But not all advertisements are so straightforward. For at least a week, passing along on the BQE, I would see a very bizarre billboard that was completely red, save for the lone words printed in yellow: "I pooted." Confused, excited, and a little bit hungry, I had no idea what to make of it all. Who pooted and why? Who benefits from the poot? Why would someone pay for the poot at all? Was it an unexpected poot or was this planned pootery? I expected the next billboard to provide the answers or even more questions, but alas, it did not. The mystery of the poot grew.
Eventually, I saw another sign that was also red and in the same yellow font displayed the words "My boogers itch." Snippets of forgotten Shakespeare on city billboards? (Few people know that in the tragic climax of Romeo and Juliet, the bard originally had penned "My boogers itch" as Romeo's last words. Only when his wife was on the can with explosive diarrhea did he change it to what it is now: "I done pooted.")
Anyway, the booger sign was different because it wasn't just solid red with text. My eyes met the friendly face of Billy from The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy, gazing at me with his Rhodes Scholar stare and a prying egg beater that got all up in his nostril. There was also an updated Cartoon Network logo, with their new tagline, "Yes!"
Now it all partially made sense. The pooter was clearly a ruse to get more people interested in cartoons. Lo and behold, the next time I saw the poot sign on the highway there was the new CN logo as well as a character from what I would assume is Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends. I will never understand why they left a billboard as confusing and bizarre as "I pooted" unfinished for so long. Did they intentionally want to drive the morning commuters batty before work? Am I just reading too much into it? Can the family understand the baby, or what's the deal with that?
Oh well, some questions will never be answered. Like what "Nougatacity" means, but that dear friends, is an entirely different billboard all together.
Still, you see some interesting things from the tinted window that hobbles along the BQE. I mean, sure there's landmarks and crap, some lame green statue, but I care not for history. I thrive on the mass medias. That's why billboards are the stars of my morning show.
For instance, did you know that the characters on USA's "Psych" are fake psychics, but are still in fact, real detectives? I wasn't convinced the first six hundred times I saw that one, but on that six hundred and oneth, I was sold. (And am now obligated to watch "Psych," a pretty good show, actually.)
But not all advertisements are so straightforward. For at least a week, passing along on the BQE, I would see a very bizarre billboard that was completely red, save for the lone words printed in yellow: "I pooted." Confused, excited, and a little bit hungry, I had no idea what to make of it all. Who pooted and why? Who benefits from the poot? Why would someone pay for the poot at all? Was it an unexpected poot or was this planned pootery? I expected the next billboard to provide the answers or even more questions, but alas, it did not. The mystery of the poot grew.
Eventually, I saw another sign that was also red and in the same yellow font displayed the words "My boogers itch." Snippets of forgotten Shakespeare on city billboards? (Few people know that in the tragic climax of Romeo and Juliet, the bard originally had penned "My boogers itch" as Romeo's last words. Only when his wife was on the can with explosive diarrhea did he change it to what it is now: "I done pooted.")
Anyway, the booger sign was different because it wasn't just solid red with text. My eyes met the friendly face of Billy from The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy, gazing at me with his Rhodes Scholar stare and a prying egg beater that got all up in his nostril. There was also an updated Cartoon Network logo, with their new tagline, "Yes!"
Now it all partially made sense. The pooter was clearly a ruse to get more people interested in cartoons. Lo and behold, the next time I saw the poot sign on the highway there was the new CN logo as well as a character from what I would assume is Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends. I will never understand why they left a billboard as confusing and bizarre as "I pooted" unfinished for so long. Did they intentionally want to drive the morning commuters batty before work? Am I just reading too much into it? Can the family understand the baby, or what's the deal with that?
Oh well, some questions will never be answered. Like what "Nougatacity" means, but that dear friends, is an entirely different billboard all together.
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Blogs are stupid. Welcome to my blog.
Hello various internetic peoples. My name is Dan, but you can call me eXplosivo or just X for short. For an 18-month period, I ran a website known as Planet eXplosivo (http://www.plaetexplosivo.com/) [hey that's the name of this blog!] which was continually rivaling Google, Yahoo, mySpace, and Milf Hunter as the most hit website in cyberspace.
Actually, I usually got eight hits a day, half of them were me, and I updated it once every six hundred days. But damnit, I had a website, and that made me cool. Like a Ghostbusters jumpsuit. Or a He Man tattoo.
Since the website cost money, required a lot of time and effort, and generally garnered me some reproach when I never updated from the few people who did read it, I have decided to end it.
Websites are cool and blogs, on the other hand, are for lifeless losers who live at home, watch cartoons all day, and live on Slurpees, corn dogs, and Hot Pockets. People who don't have anything valueable to say write blogs. In short, I think blogs are stupid.
So welcome to my blog. It's going to be a rather strange experience filled with lollipops, gummy bears, and big words like 'reproach' and 'garner.'
Tell your friends.
Actually, I usually got eight hits a day, half of them were me, and I updated it once every six hundred days. But damnit, I had a website, and that made me cool. Like a Ghostbusters jumpsuit. Or a He Man tattoo.
Since the website cost money, required a lot of time and effort, and generally garnered me some reproach when I never updated from the few people who did read it, I have decided to end it.
Websites are cool and blogs, on the other hand, are for lifeless losers who live at home, watch cartoons all day, and live on Slurpees, corn dogs, and Hot Pockets. People who don't have anything valueable to say write blogs. In short, I think blogs are stupid.
So welcome to my blog. It's going to be a rather strange experience filled with lollipops, gummy bears, and big words like 'reproach' and 'garner.'
Tell your friends.
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