Mostly Filler

Heroes? More Like Zeroes...

2009-11-03T18:24:00.001-05:00

You know why "Heroes" isn't good? Because it peaked when Hiro called Issac, the mysterious painter who would eventually get his brains eaten, "mystery sock" in a vain Engrish attempt to say "Mr. Isaac."

It never recovered from that moment (and I haven't watched it in over a year, when I watched the first half of season 3 just to confirm what I knew at the end of season 1 and the beginning of season 2... Heroes sucks.)

Time Machine Adventures

2009-11-03T09:30:00.003-05:00

Today I got in my time machine and killed Rivers Cuomo in 2001, so that everything after the Green Album no longer exists. Thus, Weezer's album "Raditude" will cease to be.

Then, I had to fix this from ever coming to pass: http://www.rottentomatoes.com/news/1853180/

Preview of My Future Career

2009-10-05T22:32:00.002-04:00

Is someone going to sue ABC over "The Middle" at some point for copying "Malcolm in the Middle?" I mean, I haven't watched The Middle, but judging from commercials it looks exactly the same. Oblivious dad, uptight bossy mom, crazy kids, living in squalor with everyone being average and that's ok. I mean, I'd sue.

And for that matter, when is Malcolm going to come out on DVD? The first season came out about 5 years ago, and then nothing. Jerks....

Marvel's Super Hero Squad Show

2009-09-14T21:10:00.003-04:00

So I'm a 24 year old second year law school student, and that should equate nicely with the fact that I am currently watching a cartoon targeted towards 6-12 year old boys. Whatever, I don't go to your crap website and shit on what you do. Anyway, the new Marvel show "Super Hero Squad Show" premiered on Cartoon Network tonight here in the states. It's based on the cutesy little 3 inch figures of the same name which take popular Marvel characters and "kids" them up a bit, looking all cute with rounded edges and all. The most wildly innapropriate has been the Punisher figure, which comes with a little gun. But I digress. The show...

Things I Like About It:
1. Captain America is all old timey and talking about the Great Depression and is generally a big dope. I love Cap, but man, perfect representation of him for a kids cartoon.
2. Finally a Marvel show that has just about every character you can think of, fighting together and generally just mixing it up. (Well, except Spider-Man. See below.)
3. Fart jokes. Can't get enough of them.
4. The Hulk is all big and goofy and stupid. I never liked the Hulk, but I think he works best as a big bumbling oaf.
5. Thor is also all bumbling and stupid. Case in point, the gang shows up to fight Dr. Doom in a climactic battle and says "We're the Super Hero Squad. And we didn't even need name tags!" and then Thor is all like "oops I didn't get the memo" and takes of a "THOR" name tag. Whatever, it was funny on the show.

Things I don't like but understand:
1. The Silver Surfer talks like Keanu Reeves. Because he's a surfer get it? Bah... I get it but I don't like it.
2. No Spider-Man. Presumably because animation rights to the wall crawler were licensed to Disney months and months before the whole kit and kaboodle was scooped up by the House of Mouse. Oh well.
3. They added a crappy new character called Reptil (yes, Reptil not Reptile) who can "take on attributes of dinosaurs." Really? They have 5000+ characters and they need to make a new one up?
4. Too much Wolverine. Like everything Marvel does.
5. As amusing as I find it, being someone literally more than twice the age of the intended viewer, it ain't as good as Batman: The Brave and the Bold, which also airs on Cartoon Network. Now that's a show that is legitimately good to adults as well AND is batshit crazy (see what I did there?). I doubt there will be a musical episode of Super Hero Squad with Neil Patrick Harris singing and dancing.

iTunes Musings....

2009-08-21T00:34:00.003-04:00

If my iTunes is to be believed (and it is, it meticulously captures every thing I listen to anywhere, and is extremely anally refined on daily basis by me. We all have our things...), the only two albums from 2009 that I have really liked and played often are MSTRKRFT's Fist of God and The Thermals' Now We Can See. I thought that was kind of weird and random. MSTRKRFT had a few heavy weeks of play after I got it, but The Thermals, no surprise there as that is just a damn good album and "When I Died" may just be the best song ever. But still, I do get a lot of music (I can't recommend eMusic highly enough, especially since they now have major label stuff), so I thought it was weird.

And then I realized, no, no its not weird at all. In the past year I have mostly gotten and listened to what could be characterized as two distinct spheres of music: old sad bastard/country music (lots of Johnny Cash, and recently, Elvis, Carl Perkins, Willie Nelson, and old favorite Ryan Adams) and 90s rock/indie (including Stone Temple Pilots, Nirvana, Smashing Pumpkins, Metallica, Pavement, The Get-Up Kids, and a hell of a lot of Soundgarden).

Clearly this means I am way way off of the pulse of the music community, but fuck it. Too much poseuring for my taste anyway. I'm pretty sure The Thermals are the tops for 2009.

Then again, in a library of 16,000 tracks, the Pokemon theme is the 3rd highest played with 43 listens, so what the fuck do I know.

Side note: The Thermals are great, but since I'm writing about music, I'd be ashamed to not mention The Gaslight Anthem and by far my most played 2008 album "The 59 Sound." If you listened to "Great Expectations" (a track-1 to rival "When I Died") alone, it would change your life.

Oh and as for random one-off songs I have been liking from 2009... I'm ashamed to say I really like that Sean Kingston song about the shorties burnin on the dance floor. And "Hold the Line" by Major Lazer is a solid track, though I haven't had enough interest to get the whole album. At least not yet...

Two Posts, One Day?

2009-08-17T12:32:00.002-04:00

Insert universe collapsing.

I just posted a small little thing and then was re-reading the 2 or 3 posts I put up in the past 7 months. Just wanted to clarify a little something about that Simpsons post below.

I have nothing against lesbians or gays or anything like that. By all means, love who you want and do what you gotta do. I'm all for it. That article was merely enragement at the constant shark-jumping and "oh yeah? how about this!" story-telling technique that The Simpsons have employed for the dreck of the past 6 seasons.

Not that anyone complained to me; all two readers seemed to enjoy it. But you never know who is gonna find this stuff, and I just wanted to set the record straight. Also, I will criticize that same episode for planting the idea of Lisa being a lesbian and then going nowhere with it. If that's what you want to do, at least make it a lasting change (even though there are 4 episodes, and a movie, that I can think of off the top of my head where Lisa is in love with a boy).

I'm overthinking it again.

Today in Douchebags

2009-08-17T12:22:00.002-04:00

My repulsion from Green Day, Post-2003 is well documented (in fact, it's documented just a scant few entries below this one!). This post is no different in tone or content.

In the September 2009 Maxim (side note: Maxim is a terrible magazine and I do not support or condone it, I merely get it for free [side side note: there is a really great Oral History of Marvel Comics in that issue as well {side side side note: Janelle, the new Maxim came; please don't get overly upset}]), there is an interview with Green Day frontman, Billie Joe Armstrong. Billie Joe was really cool when I was 12 years old, but now he's just another "success has gone to his head douchebag."

I quote, "I hear they're trying to find a new king of pop. I'd like to throw my hat into the ring."

I hear Billie Joe and Kanye West are teaming up to form a supergroup. Their first single, "I'm the Best!" will drop in September and be featured on the upcoming "Lyrical Geniuses and Voices of a Generation: Lots of Beeping and Booping and Grade-School Level Jibberish about American Politics, Volume 1: The Jesus of Suburbia (whatever the fuck that means) Meets A Creepy Giant Teddy Bear That Wears Neon Pink Poser Sunglasses, You Know, Those Ones that Kind of Look Like Venetian Blinds and Do Not Protect Your Eyes at All, But Let Everyone Around Know You Are a Complete Tool."

Needless to say, I don't care for that Kanye West either.

Why Hollywood is Retarded

2009-08-12T00:50:00.002-04:00

Janelle will be happy that I actually have posted something (and possibly Andy Whitegiver, if he's still out there).

Look. I get that when certain things get "hot," there's a huge groundswell to jump on the bandwagon (ignore these mixed metaphors!) and make as much money as you can until the well dries up completely. Look at zombies. There's a shitload of zombie things going on, and I haven't reaaaally cared about zombies for years. Sure, 28 Days Later and Shaun of the Dead are two of my favorite movies, but they both came out 5+ years ago. If it was coming out 4 years ago, maybe I would have any reason to care about this Zombieland movie that's coming out soon (and which a lot of internet geeks are creaming their jeans over), but I just can't muster it. I have plenty to nerdgasm over between Wolverine 2: This Time It Might Not Be Terrible and Green Lantern: This Is a Total Crapshoot and Might Be A Colossal Turd-Bomb being in pre-production.

Then there's vampires, a hot trend that refuses to die even more than zombies. Seriously, look no further than Twilight and you see how apeshit people go over for prissy brooding vampires. (Or look at True Blood, this new CW Twilight knock-off show, the fact that they want to have a Buffy reboot movie for some reason, and about 8 million new vampires movies coming out in the next 2 years - the only one even remotely interesting is the extremely poorly titled Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant, and I only care about that because I love John C. Reilly and his chewing of the scenery in the trailer looks pretty good [side note: while I love JCR for Step Brothers, Boogie Nights, and his Brule's Rules segments on Tim & Eric {youtube it} I may never be able to forgive him for the cinematic abortion known as "The Promotion." One of the absolute worst movies I've ever seen.].

Anyway, these are just two recent examples of things that were hits and then immediately had a deluge of knock-offs and also-ran's follow in their wake. I didn't even mention the literally dozens of "boy discovers secret magical world" that came out after Harry Potter or the weird time in the late 90s when disaster movies were really popular, thus causing two nearly identical movies about volcanoes to be released in a short span of time (Dante's Peak and Volcano, and I'll never remember which one is which).

So, people are bandwagon jumpers. This isn't news. Well, I write this today to highlight the excruciating low point that we as a society have gotten to.

We all know that Transformers 2 was a massive hit. In addition to being one of the worst movies I've ever seen (yet, still, worlds better than The Promotion. I'm not kidding. It's really fucking terrible), Transformers 2: Revenge of the Blah Blah made roughly 78 borjillion dollars, and that doesn't include overseas and outer space revenues. Recently, GI Joe was also a pretty big hit and solidifies that we will be seeing GI Joe 2: Tomax and Xamot's Revenge! in the coming years.

Now the problem is, that somehow, in their infinite wisdom, Hollywood bigwigs saw this trend and said "Of course!! Movies based on toys are the new hot thing! Let's start turning out shit based on every toy we can buy the rights to!"

Hence this. http://www.variety.com/article/VR1118007162.html?categoryid=13&cs=1&nid=2562

Listen, I don't want to be a pain in the ass and damnit man, I love me some Legos. But are you fucking serious? And they're making a movie based on the View-Master? The little red binocular-looking things that would make a slightly 3d picture of Ernie and Bert back when I was 4 years old? They're making a movie based on a toy that I'm pretty sure no one under the age of 19 even remembers exists.

I don't even know what else to say. I just. Ugh. I'm tired of this. Go ahead, make movies based on Legos, and Battleship (they're making a movie about Battleship! This is really happening, people! BATTLESHIP HAS NO FUCKING PLOT: IT IS LITERALLY JUST SAYING LETTER AND NUMBER COMBINATIONS AND RESPONDING HIT OR MISS!!!!) and whatever other shit they find in the toy aisle. At least Transformers and GI Joe had a rich history in comics that could be looked at for story ideas (and believe me, they mercilessly raped that gold mine; comic books are the fucking king of the Hollywood bandwagon jumping: every comic ever written has been optioned for a movie, and some mediocre comics are getting movies filmed before the comic has even ended!). Good luck constructing a vivid storyline about fucking Candyland.

Actually, a Candyland movie could be pretty sweet.

I just started watching Darkman instead of doing any sort of homework and I don't regret it for a second.

2009-04-20T19:23:00.002-04:00

That kind of sums up what I want to say right there, but man! I'm only 15 minutes in to Darkman and I am LOVING it!

Darkman, if you forgot or never knew, was a 1990 movie starring Liam Neeson as a scientist who invents "liquid skin." When he is traumatized and disfigured by gangsters, he uses the synthetic skin to become a man of a thousand faces and fights the gangster who ruined his life. I remember my brother liking this movie, and I definitely remember seeing it way way back probably when I was 6 years old. And I remember the Darkman NES game which was exceedingly difficult. But anyway...

The major point I want to hit is that Sam Raimi directed Darkman. Sam Raimi should be a pretty familiar name for two things, Evil Dead (all of them) and Spider-Man (all of them, even 3). Also, I did not know that Danny Elfman did the music for Darkman, so that's another sweet bonus. (Also apparently Frances McDormand is in it, long before anyone knew who she was, and six years before Fargo. Raimi is friends with Fargo directors, the Coen Brothers, one of whom is married to McDormand. Speaking of the Coen Brothers, Barton Fink is another great movie from this same time period that couldn't be more different than Darkman but is still great.)

I've lost track of myself.... Ah yes, if you like Spider-Man's action and awesomeness, but not the mopey Peter scenes or having to look at Kirsten Dunst's fug-face, you should go watch Darkman! Or watch it again, since I haven't seen it in about 16 or 17 years and I'm digging it all a-new. And it has Liam Neeson in it! Liam Neeson is a known "awesome guy" and I can guarantee you Darkman is better than Schindler's List, which I have never seen.

Ok maybe not "better" but more fun, for sure.

Green Day

2009-04-09T22:44:00.002-04:00

I wish Green Day would stop putting out crap. Remember when Green Day was awesome? Take a listen to Dookie and tell me it isn't one of the cornerstones of the 90s rock sound. Man, that album always takes me back to grade school. I'll never forget this one day in fifth grade when my entire class just started singing "Basket Case." It was so ridiculously surreal that sometimes I wonder if it actually happened.

I'm also really partial to Insomniac, their commercially failed follow-up to Dookie. I have no idea why the album didn't take off like Dookie did. It's a little repetitive of the Dookie vibe/sound, but who fucking cares? Green Day was a poppy punk band. Who the fuck expects them to be all deep and shit?

Well they do apparently. They've got another sure to be craptastic rock opera album coming out this year. Let's just get this down on the internets as a matter of public record... I do not like American Idiot. I think it's stupid, pretentious, not good lyrically or musically, and provides an indelible stain on the pop culture of this decade and certainly on the Bush administration (not that I'm a Bush supporter). Who in the hell ever thought the band that came up with When I Come Around would be writing two EP length rock operas? I didn't, and with good reason. I thought Green Day and I were on the same page. That this is gonna be a band that will rock the shit and bring the shit down, but aren't gonna get all political and hoity toity on you.

Nimrod was kind of their fall from grace in my mind. Some great tracks, but you know and I know that that fucking album was the on with Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) on it, and I. CANNOT. STAND. THAT. SONG. Not only is it the most overplayed song in the history of overplayed songs, played on a seemingly endless loop of graduations in the late 90s [it's called fucking Good Riddance you imbeciles!] but it is the gateway to let Green Day, the SoCal punks, onto shit like Lite FM or some other innocous pop music vacuum station. (PS remember radio stations?)

After that, what did they put out next? Warning? Another underrated album in my book that didn't sound quite like a Green Day record. I'm not sure what it sounded like, but it was passable and not worthy of the scorn a lot of people gave it. Minority was a great song for one. Some of the other ones, yeah I can see how a fan of Dookie's aggressive punk licks wouldn't dig on the mellow somber acoustica of Macy's Day Parade. Anyway they followed it up with stupid ass American Idiot and now they have some other shit concept album coming out and I couldn't care less. Say what you will about it musically and thematically (and I personally say it sucks ass on both levels, with the exception of Holiday which is a damn fine tune), but American Idiot, to me, is the thing that launched Green Day into the eye-liner wearing, Hot Topic poster selling, douchebags putting St. Jimmy quotes onto their facebook phase that they are now firmly entreanched in.

And that is why the best album they've put out in the past decade wasn't a Green Day record. Foxboro Hot Tubs, the infamous Green Day side project from last year, is infinitely better than the American Idiot crap they pumped out 4 years prior. Poppy, catchy, heavy guitar riffs, and not at all serious. That's how I like my Green Day. That and recorded prior to 1997.

Funny how I wrote an entire diatribe about Green Day when all I wanted to say was "I really like the Foxboro Hot Tubs album and apparently Green Day have some new pretentious shit album coming out." Their new album is billed as being in "three acts." Go fuck yourself, Green Day.

Simple Rules For Life

2009-03-08T23:07:00.002-04:00

While I won't profess to having followed all of these rules consistently throughout my entire life, here's one guy's thoughts on how to live your life decently enough (i.e. not being a fucking scumbag like many of the people out there) while not being a complete robot/slave to the wills of others.

1. Treat People the Same Way They Treat You - The slogan was always treat your neighbor the way you want to be treated or the way they want to be treated, or something like that. But the fact is, if someone is an asshole to you, you should be an asshole back. It's all well and good to say turn the other cheek and all that, but if someone was really disrespectful to me then needed my help, I wouldn't piss on them if they were on fire. A man (or woman) has a right to some self-respect and that means saying Fuck Off to the people who have wronged you. Of course, if someone wrongs you and then apologizes or it was just a misunderstanding, that's different. A misunderstanding is your own fault and apologies only come out of decent people.

So the flip then is that the good and decent folks out there who have never given you a reason to dislike them... they deserve to be treated well. Pretty obvious really. The important thing to remember though is that people you don't really know, strangers on the street, they default to good and decent. The only people who deserve to be shit upon are the ones who shit on you first. I'm not saying run out and give your kidney to a stranger, but if they accidentally bump into you on the street, don't act like an asshole and get all upset. Straightforward, I think.

2. If You Don't Like It, Fuck You - Or alternatively, Don't Impose Your Own Opinions on Other People. Let people come to their own conclusions about whatever and anything in life. If you're wearing a giant purple hat down 5th Avenue, people are going to look at you cock-eyed and think you're crazy. But if you want to wear a giant purple hate, do it, and fuck everyone else. Who gives a shit in the long run? We're all gonna die some time anyway. May as well let the freak flag fly when you can. People are too judgmental and that's kind of okay. That's going to happen no matter what. The problem is when people get upset about other people's judgments. If someone thinks you're an asshole, but you think you're awesome, well then fuck that guy (and also, see rule 1). Aside from people whose opinions you actually value (your family and friends namely [see below]), everyone else has shit for brains and you shouldn't care about their opinions. Ever.

3. Take Care of Your Family and Friends - This should go without saying, yet people all the time treat their family like shit or disrespect the people they call friends. Look, we're all gonna die, right? This might be it. Your friends and family are the only thing that make this random happenstance of existence on this rock flying through space have any real meaning. If you don't show respect to the people who actually like you, then you are clearly an asshole and don't deserve it in the first place.

I guess this is all common sense, but this is what I have always tried to do in my own life and in my experiences it seems like a lot of people have no common sense. So here it is to whoever will read it. You can sum it all up though with a quote from the good Reverend Jesse Custer's father in the Vertigo series "Preacher": You got to be one of the good guys, cause there's way too many of the bad. Amen, preacher.

Why Was The Simpsons Not Killed Years Ago?

2009-01-25T22:54:00.003-05:00

In addition to being one of the worst episodes ever and not being funny at all, tonight's Simpsons episode featured all the hallmarks of its modern craptitude. Nonsensical and inappropriate lines from characters (Principal Skinner reads Facebook? really? fucking facebook jokes on the Simpsons?), awful horribly placed guest stars (someone named Emily Blunt? who is that?), a song and dance number (featuring Josh Groban of all people... twice!!), they had Fall Out Boy inexplicably do the closing theme (ok, sort of makes sense since the name Fall Out Boy is a very obscure Simpsons reference, but still they weren't in the episode at all)... the list goes on.

But. The most important thing.... Well, look, in season 7 they made Lisa a vegetarian. Classic episode and it totally made sense for her character. She's intelligent, outspoken in her ideals, crazy left wing... it ain't shocking that she'd be a vegetarian. Then in Season like, 13, when shit started going downhill, they made her a Buddhist.... okay, I can go along with that. Not one of the best episodes, but you know what, there have been other episodes about religion, like the classic Homer the Heretic in Season 4. It was weird, it's a mediocre episode, and completely forgettable.

Well, now it's Season 2,405, a landmark for a television series. It is clearly a decade since The Simpsons was really culturally relevant (if you think or hear differently, you are fooling yourself. God damn you Matt Groening; couldn't do a Seinfeld and go out on top...). The show absolutely pales in comparison to its former glory, not least of all because they have amped up the wacky, crammed in more jokes (subsequently leading to more mis-fires), and made Homer an actual cartoon character (there was some episode where something completely unrealistic and stupid happened and frankly I'm happy I can't remember it.). They basically Family Guy-ed themselves, and even Family Guy isn't relevant any more (and also, has not been in roughly seven years).

The point is, they have to do new things and tonight was a Lisa episode and guess what? They made her a lesbian. I saw Mike Reiss, former show runner and writer for The Simpsons in its prime talk at Cornell once and he joked about the same thing. That Lisa was a vegan first, then a buddhist, and at some point she'd become a lesbian. It was funny at the time, particularly since I expected the show to end within a season or two. That was five or six years ago, and I guess it wasn't a joke.

Oh sure, they never came out and said the L word or had her kissing a girl and liking it. But when a show is primarily about "best friends" spending too much time together, and they dance to a Josh Groban love ballad in a fantasy world they created for themselves, AND the director goes out of his way to show numerous shots of the two girls holding hands... it doesn't take a Professor Frink to figure out the subtext.

Absolutely terrible. The show has hit a new bottom in terms of horrible episode-ness as far as I'm concerned. This one might be worse than the episode where Bart and Sideshow Bob teamed up to stop Frank Grimes Jr., the illegitimate son of Homer's ex-co-worker who was killed in Season 8, who had been murdering or threatening the family... I don't know, it fucking sucked. I would pay good hard earned money to erase the past eight years of The Simpsons from the collective memories of the world and do not get me started on that fucking movie.

Not that there's anything wrong with Lisa being a lesbian.... It just made for absolutely abysmal television that urinated on everything I held dear watching television in the 90s. Oh well.

Famous Doctors With No Measurable Degree of Medical Knowledge

2009-01-14T13:02:00.003-05:00

Doctor Who (the Doctor) - I mean, sure he's handy during a Dalek invasion, but seriously, has he ever taken blood samples? Has he ever set a broken arm? I think not!

Doctor Dre - Pssh. The only drug he's ever prescribed ain't from Pfizer.

Dr. Phil - Liar! He just likes being bald and yelling at people. No medical license whatsoever!

Doctor Doom - Though he is a certifiable mad genius, he was never once given his doctorate! Explain that, Victor!

here endeth the lesson.

Why Are Successful Latino Male Actors Part Wolf?

2008-10-28T21:29:00.001-04:00

Benecio Del Toro. Javier Bardem. Both look like wolf people. Coincidence?

We're All Full of Some

2008-10-07T13:34:00.002-04:00

Food for thought.... 'Awesome' is a word that is thrown around a lot, but it is generally a good thing. When something is so great that it is awesome, it is powerful! Yet by the nature of the word, there's only 'some' 'awe.' Now, chew on this! If something is full of awe, it is 'awful.'

Explain that, science.

I Am A Movie Star (Very Famous)

2008-09-27T10:38:00.001-04:00

Friends, have YOU been in a film made by an Academy Award winning director? Because I have. I expect to be hob-nobbing with celebrities every day now that I am super crazy famous and oh so sexy cool. Lindsay Lohan will have sex with me once she gets over her little lesbian phase for you see, I am a world class superstar. I really think I should have my own IMDb page now.

Are you familiar with a little director named Jonathan Demme? You should be! He won an Academy Award for the film The Silence of The Lambs, one of only three films that has ever swept the Academy's top 5 awards (Director, Film, Actor, Actress, Screenplay). If I had to make a list of things I have in common with Academy Award winning actor and known fava bean enthusiast, Anthony Hopkins, it would begin with "We both love Dr. Pepper" (Sir Hopkins' love of the fizzy beverage is well documented). But it would end with
"We are both megastars appearing in Jonathan Demme films."

Being an international movie star and celebrity, I have decided I need new and better friends and everyone reading this is officially dead to me. World class superstars and bon vivants such as myself no longer require this "Face Book" and anyone worth knowing does not use such a contrivance. Friends, I have transcended to a higher plane of existence for I, me, the lovable rapscallion you all know and love, am a world class movie star, appearing in (probably should be credited as starring in...) a world famous movie from world class director, Jonathan Demme.

You see, I once worked for a little known publishing house called Simon & Schuster. They are a two bit operation, publishing nobodies like Stephen King (who??) and a series of books based on something called "Star Trek" (what??). I am much much more famous than the company, this so-called "King," and these Star Treks. I am a world class film star and acclaimed martial artist (can you prove that I am not?). While working at S&S (as the kids call it) I had the opportunity to aid in book signings with one notable former president named Jimmy Carter. Perhaps you've heard of him? He won the Nobel Peace Prize. He is also my best friend and movie star buddy.

World class director Jonathan Demme created a delightful little documentary about President Carter called "Jimmy Carter: Man From Plains." The film is a light-hearted romp telling the story of a senile former peanut farmer who goes around talking about stuff. I don't know, I haven't seen the whole thing, nor would I care enough to ever watch the entire film. But friends, this movie, THIS MASTERPIECE, marks my debut into the Hollywood scene! Yes, it came out last year and you have probably never heard of it (the hoi polloi never hear about the really important and good movies; how many movies nominated for Oscars did you see last year? that's what I thought...). But! I am actually the star of the film. They should have called it "Dan Mulhall: Man-God From Awesometown" because it would have been absolute gangbusters at the box office since I now have a legion of adoring fans.

This film, this opus, features my amazing talents ON THE SCREEN for a full 2 seconds. Please remember that movie star and ass kicking machine Jean Claude Van Dam got his big break from a 2 second role in some movie I am too lazy to look up. I can only assume my career will have a similar path and in no time I will be starring in "Universal Soldier: The Return, The Other Return Different From the Last One."

I highly recommend everyone run out and buy multiple copies of the film, and only watch from minute 26 to minute 27. This is the best part of the film and the only part that matters. The rest is boring and stupid, unless I am in it again which I might be, I don't know. Movie stars do not watch their own movies.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0913958/ Check it out.

Howie Mandel

2008-09-21T21:10:00.002-04:00

I think it is excellent that Howie Mandel has reinvented himself from lame prop comic with surgical glove from the 80s to magical wish-granting genie who owns a confederation of briefcase wielding slaves. Bravo sir.

It Is Weird That Kenan is on SNL

2008-09-21T00:15:00.002-04:00

You know, I am way late to this, but it is weird that Kenan is on Saturday Night Live. The star of All That, Kenan and Kel, Good Burger, and D2: The Mighty Ducks Return is a major cast member of the much revered SNL.

That's weird.

Especially because he seemingly has not aged a day since 1997. Watch an episode of Figure It Out from 2000, then watch tonight's SNL. No difference at all.

Watch that Kenan and Kel episode where they meet Coolio, which I will completely guess was from 1999. Then watch SNL. He hasn't aged a goddamn day.

I therefore posit that Kenan Thompson is some sort of all powerful immortal, and could very well be the Highlander. Never would have thought that when I saw him in a bathtub saying he wanted his toes licked by a marmoset in French, circa 1995.

What a world in which we live.

Venom: Carnage Unleashed

2008-09-12T20:31:00.002-04:00

You know, I make it a point in general to not write in this blog. Mostly just to annoy Janelle, but largely I don't have anything of value to say to the world. And when I do, I'm lazy.

But today I have something very important to say. I stumbled upon a gem of a book at Strand the other day (Strand being the world famous used book store here in NYC). Like a glorious time capsule from 1996, there it stood, a steal for like $7 bucks... Venom: Carnage Unleashed!

This book has everything, EVERYTHING detestable and worthy of scorn from the mid-to-late 90's comic book derth, just before (possibly during) Marvel's big bankruptcy. Before all the good comics started coming out after X-Men and Spider-Man movies, this was the stuff that pushed the Marvel machine.

Venom: Carnage Unleashed! contains no less than 200 things that are awesome and cheesy and absolutely terrible in a way that makes you feel great. It is a story ludicrously tied in to the video game "Spider-Man: Maximum Carnage" that came out for Genesis and SNES in 1996 in an absurd meta-story where, in the Marvel Universe, Carnage sold the rights to his story to video game producers and the money made goes to the insane asylum that houses him.

A quick aside for the non-comic readers... Everyone knows Spider-Man, and Venom is pretty well known after Spider-Man 3 (though they fucked it up), but Carnage is basically the spawn of Venom. A monsterous alien attached to a ridiculously over-the-top serial killer resulting in a character that has no motive and simply exists to laugh like a maniac and kill. This is completely iconic of what was happening in mainstream superhero comics in the mid-90s. Nonsensical villains that exist simply to be villains. It bears noting that Carnage is my favorite villain ever, partially because I love Mark Bagley's design for the character and partially because of this over-the-top ridiculousness.

Anyway, this is nominally a Venom story and Venom's entire reason d'etre is "evil Spider-Man." But when the character took off in the late 80's/early 90's, Marvel decided to pimp him out in a billion books, all like this one, where he is suddenly a distubred anti-hero who is actually the good guy. He just happens to hate Spider-Man and eat brains sometimes. It's completely ridiculous in every way and the beginning of this story has Eddie Brock, the alter ego of Venom, riding on a bus. That's what you pay good money to see; villains in plain clothes riding the bus. He's sitting next to a character that is almost equally laughable as a non-character that Carnage is... green-haired punk girl! With a guitar!

And he actually tells her that his name is Freddy Block, which is shocking only because Larry Hama, the writer, would have the balls to write something so terrible. (Hama was notoriously prolific and terrible during this period of Marvel).

Even better are the scenes of Carnage - literally, a mass murdering villain of immense power, convicted of murdering dozens of people in cold blood - sitting in his prison cell PLAYING HIS OWN VIDEO GAME ON A COMPUTER THAT IS NETWORKED. I didn't even have a networked computer that could play a game like that in 1996, yet a murderer is allowed to have one in a maximum security mental institution. Sense was not the selling point for this book.

I stopped reading it when Carnage reached through the Internet with his symbiotic alien suit (yes, you are reading this correctly) to murder the CEO of the video game company, who, pages earlier had been cackling in his office about how much money he was making and how much more money he was going to make off of Carnage. His underling even says something to effect of "I love working for you because you are so evil."

Some people go to the bookstore and get like Shakespeare or Dostoevsky or the complete works of Walt Whitman. I bought this and I don't regret it for a second. It is terrible in every great way. And I have only read the first 15 pages.

Also, I started law school and stuff and blah blah blah...

What iTunes Can Really Say About You

2008-07-04T00:31:00.002-04:00

I didn't want to make this an ultra-personal blog, but considering I never write in it anyway (i'm busy watching tv and stuff), I'll do just that.

I'm a little anal about my mp3 collection. I've had mp3s for about 10 years (pre Napster! does anyone else remember Scour Media Agent?) and through about 4 hard drives and 3 iPods. I love love love the metadata on each song and how you can track things, and make smart Playlists, and blah blah blah. I go through this kind of shit all the time, fine tuning the data and making new playlists. It's just fun for me.

Anyway, one of the most basic measures of an mp3 collection is the play count. I thought it'd be interesting to take a look at some of my top played songs as of July 4th...

#1 - The Will of One by The Protomen - 44 times

I love this song, but I'm pretty surprised it's the most played in my library. The Protomen are a band dedicated to playing a rock opera about Capcom video game hero, Mega Man. It's a hell of a lot better than that sounds and was my favorite album of 2006. But still... number 1? I would have thought a They Might Be Giants song would be up there...

#2 Ana Ng - They Might Be Giants - 39 times

Yep. That one doesn't surprise me at all. Probably my hands down favorite song of all time.

#3 - Pokemon - TV Theme - 35 times

I could justify this by saying that not only does this song have great music that puts me in a good mood and gets me excited about boring shit or that the cheeseball lyrics make me smile and I know all the words or that I genuinely like Pokemon, but you know what? Go fuck yourself. This is a jam.

#4 - Snakes on a Plane (Bring It) - Cobra Starship - 34 times

Kind of depressing that this is on here really (and I stand by Pokemon still). I listened to it A LOT in 2006 when SoaP was the rage. It's a catchy song but not really worthy of this vaunted spot.

#5 - From the Ritz to the Rubble - Arctic Monkeys - 32 times

Another no-brainer. Love love love this album and this song and Arctic Monkeys in general. They get a lot of backlash considering the considerably gushing praise they got when this album dropped, but they're one of my favorite bands so either accept that or go read some other blog. I am kind of surprised that I bet That You Look Good on the Dance Floor isn't in this spot, but it only pops up at #17, the next highest Monkeys song on my list.

#6 - The Fallen - Franz Ferdinand - 32 times

I don't LOVE Franz Ferdinand. I'm a fan, yeah. When their first album came out, I listened the shit out of it. Then their second one came, the one this song kicks off, and I was largely indifferent. THEN I saw them live and they rocked the shit, particularly this song, which is a most excellent track 1 to a mediocre/good album. Still, I did a play list of songs that I never have skipped (like once it comes on, I listen to it to the end every time) and this was the number one song in terms of play count and least times skipped. Weird.

#7 - Batman: Stage 1 - The Advantage - 30 times

I love Batman, I love Nintendo, I love covers of Nintendo songs. Not a lot of logic to this one. Just a great background tune to any activity.

#8 - Bust A Move - Young MC - 30 times

I also love late 80's and early 90's rap. This is just a damn good song and I am fairly sure I can sing it from start to finish. I think that's why I played it so much. Never know when that will come in handy. Incidentally, this whole album is pretty good.

#9 - Talk to Me - Stephen Lynch - 29 times

A comedic song about masturbation. I just think its catchy. Fun to sing along with in your head when you're walking down the street.

#10 - Tarzan Boy - Baltimora - 28 times

Um. I have no idea. I like this song. Weird that its so high up though.

#11 - This is Halloween - Danny Elfman - 28 times

The opener of The Nightmare Before Christmas, the best musical ever. And I only barely like musicals.

#12/13 - Kickapoo and The Pick of Destiny by Tenacious D - 28 times

Wouldn't make sense if the D didn't pop onto at least the top 15. These are the starting and closing songs respectively of their movie, which was only a decent flick, but had a stellar soundtrack.

#14 - Long Long Way From Home - Foreigner - 27 times

#15 - Nightrain - Guns n Roses - 27 times

Both self explanatory.

Thats all I got. It's late.

I Bet Michael Buffer Is An Ass

2008-06-25T10:58:00.002-04:00

This one is for Janelle, my only reader....

I bet Michael Buffer is an asshole.

If you don't know who he is, Buffer is probably the most famous ring announcer of all time. He's the "Let's Get Ready to Ruuuuumble" guy, and I don't know him personally, but I bet he's kind of a jerk. I mean, his entire career IS saying "Let's Get Ready to Ruuuuumble" and he has it trademarked, which means that I might be sued just by saying it on this website.

So he gets famous for the way he says the word "Rumble" and then makes it so that anyone can't say it like he does without paying him money, which is likely hundreds of thousands of dollars. This is the guy that they get for the big important Boxing matches and WWE title fights. Poor Lillian Garcia, the usual ring announcer for the WWE and all around cutie pie, will never get the chance to announce a Wrestlemania title fight, because they will always get Michael Buffer so he can say his stupid catch phrase.

I don't think I had a very funny point to make with all this. It just seems like a guy who trademarks an asinine phrase like "Let's Get Ready to Rumble" and makes it so you can't say it without his permission is probably a bit of a wanker. I mean, Donald Trump tried to trademark "You're Fired!" and Paris Hilton trademarked "That's hot." and that's not exactly the duo to be in league with if you want a favorable public image.

So that's my piece, it took a month to get it out of me. Michael Buffer.... probably an ass.

Who Would Win In A Fight?

2008-05-21T16:02:00.002-04:00

An anthropomophized state of Montana or an anthropomorphized state of California? This is just if the two states stood up and started fighting, though be advised that the quality and quantity of residents will be impacting the fight.

Discuss.

Tuesdays Suck

2008-05-06T09:39:00.002-04:00

It is well-known, via Garfield comics and the movie "Office Space," that Mondays are no fun. I find this to be not entirely correct. When you get a good night's sleep, had a productive and fun weekend, and the skies are bright and sunny on a crisp Spring Monday morn, the return to the drudgery of life isn't all that bad. No my friends, we need to be wary of Tuesday, the bastard step-child of Monday.

Tuesday is by far the worst day of the week. You see, Monday starts it all off. It's like Track 1 of an album (are the kids still listening to albums these days?). If it's really great, you know this week is gonna kick a little ass. But if it's crap, well, you're gonna have to muddle through Tracks 2 and 3 to find out if this album is a winner or a sinner. Tuesday is like those crucial mid-album tracks and can make or break your week.

Wednesday is hump day. We all know that. You make it to Wednesday and the weekend isn't that far off any more. Thursday has a case of the Tuesdays, because it's not yet Friday but it is over the hump. But Lost is now on on Thursdays so it has an ace in its sleeves. Friday is obviously the best day of the week for many, many reasons.

But Tuesday... or "Bluesday" if you have a case of the "Tuesday Blues" ... sucks. All that Tuesday has going for it is that it is easily rhymed with "Blues" which only works for radio stations that play that sort of music and enjoy slant rhyme or for blogs that no one reads (see: this one.) Tuesday, you suck. If any day of my week could be removed, it's you. You're the appendix of the body that is the week. Completely useless, until you get infected and threaten to kill. Asshole.

If I Were Paul Giamatti's Agent...

2008-04-23T15:24:00.003-04:00

Paul,

Great to hear from you the other night! That John Adams mini-series on HBO is really taking off. I saw that the DVD was a hot seller on amazon. Way to go, buddy! I thought I'd catch you in your down time to discuss a few options in your career.

As you probably know already, you've come a long way from Pig Vomit in Howard Stern's Private Parts (and let me tell you, I could tell you some pretty fucked up stories about pig vomit in Howard Stern's private parts... eww...). A leading man! That's what you are now! And you're a little overweight and bald and not that attractive. Good for you, guy!

So you've gone from bit character actor to leading man, but now I think it's time you became the next logical step... franchise hero! Think about it, G-spot! You've had some hits, both critical and commercial. So let's just take a look through the vaults here and come up with some viable sequels to set up some tent poles at the studios. Bear with me!

- Sideways 2: Frontways! - Everyone's favorite schlub and wine snob is back in a new wacky adventure! We're gonna team you and Thomas Hayden Church (Lowell from Wings!!!) again and set you on a heartfelt, but wine-fueled romp, through America's heartland. Now, the first Sideways was a big indie hit and made you an unexpected star. We're going to get rid of all the melodrama and the big fancy dialogue (research shows that most people don't know what a "Pinot" is or why you pernounced Mer Lot as merlow...). Instead, grab your box wine and let's get it started in here!!! We're thinking the two of you team up with a monkey and have to travel from New York to Napa to save Monkey Butt Vineyards from being sold! Along the way you'll meet a cavalcade of characters, each kookier than the last! Think Harold and Kumar for the over 40 crowd. Also thinking of calling it 2ideways! or Step Up 2 the Sideways.

- Lady in the Water 2 - We can't get M. Night Shyamayamyamyamyamlan to come back for the sequel, but it's already in pre-production, so, what the fuck. Let's just do it. The first one... Look I'll level with you Paul. It was crap. A box office bomb, critically panned, and it got M. Night fired from Disney. We wanna put all that behind us and really just focus on what worked in the movie. Do I smell a reboot!!! Oh yes I dooooooo. The new Lady in the Water, possibly called WaterLady, will be a little bit different. Instead of a small motel owner, you're going to be playing a former
Army scientist who was forced to retire for mysterious (read: sexy) reasons. The lady in the water won't be a nart or a foop or whatever the fuck the first one was about, but will be an experiment you worked on gone wrong... and it's out for bloooood. You and the rest of your former science team (Josh Duhamel, Paul Walker, and for comic relief, let's get that guy from Superbad. The fat one) are going to need to take her down for good. This one is fast tracked and will have lots of CGI monsters and robots (yes we are adding robots).

- Paycheck 2 - Again, Paycheck was a big box office bomb and one of the stepping stones to the crumpling of Ben Affleck's career. Do you know why? It's because the writers didn't focus on your wise-cracking buddy mind-eraser character nearly enough. What happens when a mind-eraser gets a taste of his OWN medicine? That's right. Hilarity ensues. No script necessary (just like Paycheck 1) and we start filming on Monday.

- Fred Claus 2: Fred Claws!!! - This time, your jolly old St. Nick portrayal won't be so jolly. We're looking at a Hard R rating for this tale of familial jealousy and violence. Your character, Santa, will be forced to beat his shiftless layabout brother to a bloody pulp in a quest for vengeance and the right to rule the North Pole. We're not really sure who the target audience is for this movie, but don't worry, we didn't know for Fred Claus either.

That's what we have lined up so far, but we can really pick up any dangling plot threads in any of your movies and just run with them. Is that American Splendor guy dead yet? Is there a sequel in that? I didn't see it, was it filled with dick and fart jokes? Can we get Judd Apatow to produce American Spledor 2: Farts and Man Penis? We can certainly try, Paul. We can certainly Try.

Signed, Your agent

Tila Tequila Is Very Obviously a Space Alien

2008-04-22T15:08:00.002-04:00

I've never seen "Shot of Love" but I damn well only needed to see her once to realize the show is a scam for Tila Tequila to inseminate her space DNA into the Earth populace. Proof...

Why I Am More Excited For Iron Man Than The Dark Knight

2008-04-21T11:15:00.000-04:00

So my loyal readership was shocked that I said I was more excited for Iron Man than I am for The Dark Knight. Here is a not-so brief explanation as to why...

- Iron Man is new - There have been Batman movies for decades now, especially counting the loveable 1960's camp romp with Bat Shark Repellant and other schlocky goodness. Now obviously the quality varies between Tim Burton's excellent 1989 Batman and Joel Schumacher's 1997 Batman's Nipples And Arnold's Ice Puns, but they are all Batman and it's not really something we haven't seen before. I bet that in The Dark Knight, crime strikes Gotham City, Batman has to save a girl/woman/sidekick, and Bruce Wayne will have to juggle with personal problems that may or may not conflict with his Batman life. That's all fine, but you know what it won't have? Flying through the sky with fighter jets. And repulsor rays.

- Batman Begins was overrated - Christopher Nolan is a great director (loved Memento and The Prestige... less so Insomnia, but we'll give him bonus points for the greatness of the first two) and Batman Begins was a great movie. But it was also extremely overrated. The plot becomes incomprehensible and crushed under its own weight by the end (isn't a large chunk of Gotham insane by the end? Didn't Morgan Freeman say it would take weeks to make enough of a cure? Do they not mention this before the final credits? No they do not.). The Scarecrow is completely under-used for such a damned frightening and excellently portrayed character (love that Cillian Murphy) and then at the end, he has a completely retarded fight on a horse (seriously? where they fuck did a horse come from?) and then disappears. No arrest, no "I'll get you for this Batman!" no horrible death, no good. The Katie Holmes character could easily have been completely deleted from the movie; she is worthless as an actress and a character. My final point can have its own bullet....

- Christian Bale... not a great Batman - Look, let me get this straight right away. I love Christian Bale in a very heterosexual and respectful way. Though the movie American Psycho falls way short of the book, it is completely carried by Bale, who is amazing in it. Perfect casting all the way. And as evidenced there, he plays the millionaire playboy very well. He is a great Bruce Wayne. The problem is the almost laughable grunting and deep "Batman voice" he uses when he suits up. Why does he need to change his voice at all? Answer: he does not. The stupidity of his uber deep gravel voice took me out of the movie's world and made me realize I missed Michael Keaton (or hell, even Val Kilmer). Robert Downey Jr. on the other hand? Born to play Tony Stark.

- The Dark Knight uses a lot of stupid viral websites - You know when there's a show or a band you like and it's really great? You love it and it's not super well-known, but then, oh but then, it starts to get some steam and pretty soon it takes off and EVERYONE is thinking it's really great. Then the show or the band changes to accommodate this mainstream success and it's just kind of crappy and you feel dead inside? That's what I think of "viral marketing." Like, 5 years ago, if you were on a site and it was like, "Holy shit! This site is about that awesome movie!" it was a new and unique experience. Now, everything does it. The Dark Knight has about 200 websites all about Harvey Dent and the Joker and blah blah blah blah blah. I barely have the time to write stuff on this, let alone jump from stupid website to website to find a picture of the Joker that SlashFilm will show me, without stupid hoop jumping, the next day. And the idea of Marketing executives sitting around talking about how to set up these sites makes me laugh and also die a little inside. You know what Iron Man did? Release a kick ass trailer. Boom, done. No starkindustries.com or any of that crap. The over-produced "hey this must be cool because it's on the internet" hype machine doesn't do it for me. Kick ass trailer with Black Sabbath does.

- The Dark Knight is Dark! And Edgy! - From the looks of it so far, The Dark Knight is going for a more realistic tone that is very dark. You must have seen pictures of the Joker by now, and I gotta say, it does not do it for me. Yeah, he's a crazy murderer, but did they need to make him look like an alcoholic birthday clown who got mugged? The Joker I know is absolutely insane but has a touch of class and very nearly a method to his madness. Different writers take him in different directions, and I really am not sure of what the final movie will be, but from what I've seen so far I do not like the new Joker. Iron Man just looks like complete popcorn fun. I like coming out of the movie theater excited and feeling like a kid again. Not in a deep cesspool of self-loathing because I could become the Joker given the right circumstances...

- I have faith in Jon Favreau - Jon Favreau is the man. Yes, he is more than a little responsible for the overwhelming amount of Vince Vaughn in your daily life due to their star-making Swingers, but he is the man. He was Gutter in PCU and he was Foggy Nelson in Daredevil. And he directed Elf, which do not lie, warmed your goddamn heart.

None of this was particularly well thought out and I wouldn't be surprised if I changed my mind at the drop of a hat, but... fuck you. Go write your own website if you don't like it.

I Don't Really Like Red Hot Chili Peppers

2008-04-21T10:30:00.002-04:00

To be honest, I feel like I'm late to this realization, that a lot of the world made this decision a few years ago, but I am really sick and tired of the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Some history...

In 1993, (I think that's the year, I'm too lazy to fact check any of this...) when Blood Sugar Sex Magik came out, it was a big deal. One of those iconic early 90's albums that I don't think many would argue ranks up there with Nirvana's Nevermind or Pearl Jam's Ten in setting various stages for how music would progress over the course of the decade. Sublimely converging funk, punk, and just all out rock, it was a damn good record. "Under the Bridge" is a damn good song. And they had some wild antics, dancing around on stage naked with tube socks on their wing wangs, and overall were a part of the overall gestalt that was the early 1990's to me.

Then they came out with One Hot Minute in 1995 (again, rough estimate). I remember "Aero Plane" getting decent radio play and I liked it enough. But despite having this album on my iPod for probably the past 4 years, I've never listened to the whole thing in full. I think "My Friends" is on it, and that's my favorite RHCP song, but memory serves me right... the album was a bomb. And not like a Tom Jones "Sex Bomb" either; like an Eddie Murphy's Adventures of Pluto Nash bomb.

Then they did who the fuck knows what and eventually came out with Californication in 2000. While Californication has some good jams, namely the title track and I've always enjoyed "Parallel Universe," and "Road Trippin'," the album suffers under its own popularity. I still turn on the radio and fucking hear "Scar Tissue." As far as overplayed albums go, this one is probably the fucking king (until I think of a better one...). All of its singles, including "Californication" which I go through cycles of love and hate with (loved it when I first heard it, before it was a single, hated it when it hit big, loved it when I learned it on the guitar, hated it when I heard it on the radio for the 700th time...) are still played now, 8 years later, and when they have a new album out.

That brings me to their latest album, which I can't even remember the name of. The one with "Dani California" on it. I hate that song. It sounds exactly like the entire album Californication. And it's a double album. Nothing, and I mean nothing, says "we like to sniff our own farts" more than a double album. Ok, side note, Smashing Pumpkins' Mellan Collie and the Infinite Sadness as well as New Order's Substance are both double albums and are great (though not completely perfect... you can't have 2 hours + of music and expect them all to be hits). So why do I hate on Planet Ardcadium, or what ever this album is called? Because the difference is that those were kind of the iconic albums for the Pumpkins and New Order, this is just a desperate attempt to milk the same cash cow that sold so many copies of Californication from a band whose prime is long past. If you have never heard the Red Hot Chili Peppers, which is probably damn near impossible, listen to Blood Sugar Sex Magik, watch their episode of The Simpsons, and call it a night. Trust me on this one.

The culmination of all of this? Tonight I finally excise my iPod of RHCP for good. I'll keep a couple of choice tracks, but say goodbye to "Around the World." I've always hated you most of all when you came up on random.

NY Comic Con 2008

2008-04-20T17:25:00.001-04:00

I went to Comic Con 2008 here in NYC and it was amazing. I don't have much to say about it except that it was awesome, Seth Green is hilarious (and very short) and walks around like a normal person, and next year we're getting the weekend pass because it really is too much for one day. Maybe I'll elaborate tomorrow.

Movies I Have Boners For Volume 1

2008-04-15T09:47:00.004-04:00

I am a man who can really get behind a cause, as long as that cause is going to see a fucking kick ass movie. And it usually is in the social circles I entrench myself into. With blockbuster season kicking up soon, here is a short list of movies I have raging mega-huge boners for...

- Forgetting Sarah Marshall - The funny thing is, I have already seen this movie in a test screening. It says a lot that I can't wait to go see it again. Starring my general role model, Jason Segel, this movie has vampire puppets, full frontal man penis, and Kristen Bell having fake orgasms. It is also hilarious. I can't recommend it enough.

- The Forbidden Kingdom - Jet Li and Jackie Chan. Yes they are both a little old now, and I am positive that they said Fearless was Jet Li's last historical epic, but who the hell cares. This comes out the same day as Sarah Marshall. I plan on seeing them both and superkicking any one who tries to defy me.

- Iron Man - I cannot possibly express in words how excited I am for Iron Man. I'll try and do it with a noise. GUUUUUUUAUAAAUAUUAUUARRRRAAAAAYAYYAYAA. Guaranteed to be good. I'm more excited for this than I am for the Dark Knight.

- Speed Racer - I'm going to take ecstasy and a whole bunch of methamphetamines and go see Speed Racer in IMAX. They invented new colors for this movie. This one may have actually traveled back in time from some sort of future where no one has an attention span and CGI has surpassed real actors. I had little to no interest in this movie until I started to get curious from the trailers. Now I am very excited.

I think that's it for April/May. There are probably some more at the end of May, but I'll get to those when the time comes.

I Really Want To Go Into Outer Space

2008-03-30T01:44:00.001-04:00

That's it. That's the whole thing. Wouldn't it be really fucking sweet?

If I Was Will Ferrell's Agent...

2008-03-25T11:43:00.000-04:00

Dear Will Ferrell,

Hello again William! It's me, your agent! Due to your explosive movie star career, I've lined up the following projects for you. Please bear with me and tell me which ones you would like to pursue...

- A raunchy comedy about badminton players, possibly set in the 70s. You would play John Birdie, a washed-up badminton expert who comes out of retirement for one last game to try and stop an evil washed-up badminton expert who is trying to do something evil, like create a puppy-killing virus. Movie is tentatively titled "Keep Your Eye on the Birdie!" May also be called "Shuttlecocks." There will definitely be shuttlecock related jokes in the final script.

- A raunchy comedy about bowling, possibly set in the 70s. You would play Steve Brunswick, legendary bowling legend and king of the lanes. Your title as king would be thrust into question by an upstart young bowler with questionable moral character, possibly Seth Rogen or Jonah Hill [which one is which?]. You will learn life lessons that tie into bowling and ultimately win the last game by throwing a strike. Could be called "Strike Out," "Gutterballin' " or "Kingpin." Oh, apparently there already was a "Kingpin" movie. Is it calling out for a remake?

- A raunchy comedy about basketball, possibly set in the 70s. Oh. Sorry. This one is already checked off. My bad...

- A raunchy comedy about cricket, possibly set in the 70s, definitely set in Britain. You would play Horton Q. Gingersnap, noted cricket enthusiast and all around likeable ruffian. You will be playing the cricket match of your life against a rival French (Irish? German? Who does England hate these days?) chap who is seeking to do something of questionable moral character, like knock a rec center down or give orphans the HIV virus. We're trying to get that Borat guy to do it, but we'll settle for Vince Vaughn. Looking at calling it "Sticky Wickets," "Jiminy Cricket!" or " 'Ello Guvna!" Not looking to release this in the States, but English investors are looking for a good sports comedy.

- A raunchy comedy about croquet, possibly set in the 1770s, or whenever croquet was fashionable. We have interns researching what croquet actually is, but you will be comically hit with a mallet 4 or 5 times throughout the course of the film. Looking to get Dakota Fanning to co-star as your precocious little niece who comically refers to hitting your balls (your balls will be comically hit 8 or 9 times during the movie). Looking at calling it "Potato Croquet," "Mallet Rats" or just "Will Ferrell's Esoteric Sport Comedy."

We've only scratched the B's and C's here of various sports comedies you've been offered starring roles in. There's still a curling movie, a jai alai movie, and a movie about pole vaulting (Will have lots of cock jokes; greenlight???). Will, you also still have to let me know about which of the 900 CGI animal movies you'd like to be a part of. I always envisioned you as a talking llama or sloth in some kind of jungle adventure where an adorably unique chimpanzee or a muskrat does things his own way and learns a valuable lesson. I can also try and get you cast on that remake of Gilligan's Island. Are you a Skipper or a Gilligan?

No, I'm just kidding, you're already cast as Gilligan.

hugs and kisses,
Agent B. Agentson

PS - Lorne Michaels called. Desperate for new SNL-themed movie. "Harry Caray's Adventures Through Space and Time?" Think about it.

Whatever Happened to Rick Moranis?

2008-03-21T15:58:00.001-04:00

I don't have anything funny or deep to accompany that. I just really want to know. I love that guy...

A Conversation Between Me And Carlos Mencia

2008-03-21T09:00:00.004-04:00

Me: Joining me here today is "funnyman" Carlos Mencia, star of the hit Comedy Central show "Mind of Mencia." How are you doing today, Carlos?
Mencia: Ohhh man. You know how us beaners are, right? We're always so tired! Beaners are like that and I myself am a beaner.
Me: Well, I can understand you being tired, you're one of the hottest comics in America today.
Mencia: That's because I take people soooo far over the line! You don't even know what it's like! You see, a lot of comedians like to think they're edgy, but really they aren't. Carlos Mencia, that's where the really edgy material is. I take people over the line. I show them the line and then I take them right over it!!
Me: Yes, edgy comedians are all the rage these days. What makes you different from the pack?
Mencia: You don't even know! I tell jokes about things that are real! The war in Iraq? That's real! Send some beaners over there to clean the place up! Beaners like that stuff! Beaners! I have this joke in my act where I talk about pushing this retarded person in a wheelchair. It's funny too because I've never met a retarded person in a wheelchair, but tell people you did and man oh man, they will laugh! They will laugh SO hard, because I am so funny. My mother tells me all the time, "Carlos, you are so funny! "
Me: Your mom calls you Carlos? I thought your real name was Ned?
Mencia: Ned was NOT an edgy name! See, now that I'm Carlos it shows that I know! I know what it's like to be on the edge all the time! I'm out there with all the other beaners, working hard for "da man!"
Me: Well... ok. But isn't it true that 'beaner' is a derrogatory term used largely on the West Coast to make fun of Mexican immigrants? I mean, you seem to associate yourself with them, but... You're from Honduras, originally.
Mencia: I'm fairly certain that Honduras is part of Mexico...
Me: Ned, you've been in some hot water the past few years about stealing jokes from other comedians. Thoughts?
Mencia: Only edgy comedians take jokes from real comedians with talent. That Joe Rogan guy, what did he ever do aside from accuse me of plagiarism?
Me: Well aside from a successful hosting gig on NBC's Fear Factor for many years, he had a role on the show NewsRadio, a stint hosting The Man Show, a successful stand-up tour and at least one hit comedy album. It seems like all you did was crawl into an empty time slot Comedy Central had open when Dave Chapelle decided to leave the network. So they got you, a crappier, much stupider, much more "dumbed down" comedian to fill his place with a show that follows nearly exactly the same format but repeats trite jokes over and over again and never once pushes any legitimate boundaries in what comedy can and cannot do. I'd never even heard of you until that crappy show started airing and I'd wager to say most people still don't know who you are while Dave Chapelle is internationally recognized as a comedic genius.
Mencia: Did you ever notice that beaners REALLY like tacos??
Me: No further questions.

America Needs More Wolverine!

2008-03-21T00:04:00.006-04:00

Wouldn't you say that there isn't enough Wolverine in your day to day life? I sure would. He's in six monthly comics, big budget movies and Saturday morning TV, but why stop there? More I say, MORE!

Ladies and gentlemen of the Internetly world, I come before you with an urgent plea. We as a society, as a culture, as a brotherhood of human beings, we fucking need some more Wolverine in our lives.

I'm just going to lay it right out on the table. Wolverine is the most under-exposed and poorly used character in all of the mass media today. Two animated series, with a third to be coming out next year, a trilogy of movies and a solo movie in production… Paltry! He only appears in six monthly comic books for God's sakes! ONLY SIX! How do you expect anyone to become familiar with a character when he's only in six books? In any given week it's likely that only two, maybe three, of those books are coming out. And of those six, only two have Wolverine's name in the title. Who does Marvel think this guy is, some crappy C-List character like Speedball? Where's the love?

So am I just another Wolverine naysayer, who recognizes the massive under-exposure problem, but offers no viable solutions for how we as Americans can rectify it? Absolutely not, dear reader! You should know me better than that. I have come up with the right solutions we need to bring Wolverine to the forefront of our lives, where he rightfully belongs.

First, he must appear in every comic book from now on. Every one, not just the ones published by Marvel, regardless of whether it makes sense to the plot or not. Plots should bend to Wolverine's adamantium claws, not the other way around. It should also go without saying that all the books should be renamed to accurately reflect the level of Wolverine involvement. For example, one prominent book currently featuring Wolverine is Marvel's top-selling "New Avengers." I propose a very simple change in the title to "New Wolverine" and have already reproduced what the first issue would look like.

Even the Distinguished Competition of Marvel could use a lethal injection of Wolverine. The barely readable "All Star Batman and Robin the Boy Wonder" becomes blissful entertainment when you add a Canadian with claws and call it "All Star Batman Wolverine." I mean, look at it! Wolverine can't fly, but there he is, floating above Gotham City. He truly is amazing.

And what self respecting parent wouldn't want their child to live in fear of the powerful, unstoppable, Wolverine? It sure would be great discipline if kids knew that their beloved cartoon heroes were hunted down and slaughtered by Wolverine as a direct result of their insatiable avarice and greed. Tell me this one wouldn't fly off shelves. It's a public service is what it is.

A quick poll of school children reveals that only 90% of them are familiar with the character of Wolverine and their understanding of his origins, powers, and attitude are horribly skewed.
What with the comic book Wolverine, the movie Wolverine, and the multiple animated series Wolverines, there's simply too much overlap and confusion about the character. His backstory is very convoluted and involved. It would take years of schooling to get down the intricacies of Wolverine's character, so that's exactly what we're going to do. It's the three R's and the big W revolutionizing American education.

You know, we could raise national and international awareness of Wolverine if our troops carried his message to all the countries our military routinely visits. We can be emissaries for Wolverine's message of brutality, honor, and stabbing things. A simple redesign of our already tired stars and stripes flag could help bolster Wolverine's image. I like this one because it looks like he's hiding behind the red stripes. And you don't want Wolverine to be hiding cause then you're probably already dead.

Of course, Wolverine is actually Canadian and not even cleared for work in America. Given the recent immigration troubles we've been having, I propose we give Wolverine a break, and simply invade Canada, and integrate it into our country thus making it completely legal for him to hunt and kill criminals from sea to shining sea, and all the way up the Rockies. The country would also have to be renamed.

Still it isn't enough. I know it's drastic, but we must ensure that Wolverine has 100% recognizability throughout the world, and possibly throughout the universe. To this end, I propose that we use our high falutin' military technology, lasers and what have you, to super impose Wolverine's snarling visage onto America's moon.

Think of it, a starry night, you and your sweetheart laying in the grass looking up to the sky. You look to the full moon and you're immediately struck with a thought. Remember that time Magneto pulled out Wolverine's skeleton through his skin? Man, was he mad after that one!

Finally, once we have the ability to terraform planets to our own design, I think it would only be fitting to bestow Wolverine's name upon the most terrific planet in our solar system, Jupiter. Yes, renaming Jupiter to Wolverine will send a message to our interstellar comrades. We do not fuck around in the Milky Way, and we are fucking protected by a planet-sized Wolverine. We'll use our future terraformation technology to restructure the atmosphere of Jupiter to coincide with the immediately recognized blue and yellow color scheme Wolverine adopted in the early 90's. Better give the planet some claws too, just in case it ever has to slice Saturn open. I just don't trust them with those rings….

Zangief: A Rope of Sand

2008-03-20T23:40:00.009-04:00

Note: This article originally appeared on my old website, planetexplosivo.com, which no longer exists. For posterity's sake, this and many other articles from that site will be reposted here. This particular article was written in October 2005 and has not been changed or edited since, which is unfortunate, because I don't think it holds up very well over time. Had to bring this one back by popular demand though... Namely Zangief's.

OK, this one's a little different. I'd like you all to meet one of my friends. A rather unique one at that. I can't do him too much justice here, so read the full article. But I warn you; it's a bit in your face, like the man hisself. Or "Yo, MTV Raps!"

This article is going to be a little bit different than the usual Planet eXplosivo fare. Over the months this site has been up, we’ve looked at video games, a TV show based on a video game, and the new Star Wars movie. [2008 note: none of those articles are on here as of this posting, but they will be soon, except the Star Wars one. Don't worry, you won't miss it that much] OK, so we haven’t looked at all that much because of the lazy jackass who writes this crap… BUT! Today, we’re doing something different. We aren’t looking at how weird of a game “Anticipation!” for Nintendo was (though it was and I highly recommend you play it). No friends, today we’re going to meet someone. A strange, some might even say bizarre, individual who is a good friend of mine and would like to be a good friend of yours. I urge everyone to please be brave, prepare to be somewhat disgusted, and get ready for Zangief.

[NOTE: Due to the alarming amount of racism found herein, all instances of a particular ‘n-word’ ethnic slur has been replaced, by science, to be read as characters from popular 80’s cartoon show “He-Man and the Masters of the Universe.”]

"Come drink with me."

Let me give you some background on this enigmatic character, who stalks a certain college campus in Ithaca, and on how he and I became acquainted. In a fraternity, we pull in a pledge class of new members each spring. One of my good friends, Black-Out Baum, had met this brash and bright-eyed youth, who would soon be reborn as the man-monster Zangief. Whereas he may have been part human before, Zangief is all animal and quite likely part zombie.

Here we see Zangief give his former roommate a big hug

Zangief, as most patrons of this site should know, is the namesake of the hairy Russian wrestler in arcade legend “Street Fighter II.” Well, being a hairy Russian, he was given the pledge name of Zangief on his first night in our fraternity and such he has been ever since. In fact, no one remembered his birth name until this article’s publication. Even him. He takes on some of the less charming qualities of his video game equivalent. He sure is Russian, he sure is big, hairy, and sweaty, and he will pile drive anything that breathes, given a chance. But it’s not how like the “real Zangief” he is that makes our Zangief so remarkable. It’s his delightful way with people. What follows are real stories, real quotes, and actual photographs of Zangief in action. It’s all true except for the stuff that I made up.

Put it back on. Please?

One of my personal favorite Zangief quotes was “Get your pick axes, we’re going to have a brain feast.” What did this stalwart young Russian mean when he encouraged myself and others to bear up arms and devour the flesh of the living? I maintain that Zangief is a zombie, a cannibal, or a zombie-cannibal that rises from the grave each night to consume the gooey innards of your skull. He also likes the fat bitches.

Splinter Cell Zangief. Not on Halloween

I’ve seen the bastard sit in his room for days on end playing “Splinter Cell” or “Jade Empire.” Speaking of his room, Zangief has taped his curtains down so that no natural light may penetrate his giant purple room. When questioned about this, Zangief simply said, “I don’t need any fucking “HE-MAN” light. Fucking waking you up in the morning, like a goddamned “BEAST MAN” .” He then finished off his glass of whiskey, pounding it down, and forced me to take shots with him. I awoke in a pool of what I hope was my own vomit several hours later. He was right; it was great to not have that light pour in each morning.

Kicked in the balls by a muppet...

Zangief is also very strong. He goes to the gym, unveils his excessively hairy body, and bench presses members of the math team. After he’s done, he funnels a 40 and punches through the wall. Swearing in Russian and clutching his fist, he’ll be so angry that he headbutts the wall and stumbles about with blood in his eyes, before finally passing out and awaking to play “Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic.” “You gotta come hard or go home,” Zangief says. “It’s like a party. You can either be alone and drunk all night or you can get shit-faced and fuck a really nasty whore.”

Yep. Stepping on a chick

Ask anyone close to Zangief about his hobbies, and they all say the same thing: drinking. If competitive drinking was a sport, Zangief would be dead. Long dead. “Who doesn’t like fine spirits?” said Zangief. “I’ll tell you who. Fucking “SKELETOR” s!” His liver is either extremely weak or extremely strong due to the phenomenal amount of alcohol it must process on a daily basis. I asked Zangief where he thinks he gets his love of alcohol. He had this to say: “When I was eight, my dad sat me down. He said, ‘Elia, live your life like a hurricane. Destroy as much as possible, be full of hot air, and always spin counter-clockwise.’ Then he gave me a bottle of Jack and I blacked out for the first time.”

But certainly not the last! Whether it be passing out in the hallway and constructing a Fortress of Solitude, tackling and choking unsuspecting bystanders, or stealing anything not bolted down from absolutely anywhere, it’s a guaranteed good-time when this roustabout gets tipsy. “YOU FUCKING “ORKO” -STEINS!” Zangief exclaimed. “I’LL FUCK YOUR SISTER AND YOUR MOTHER AND THEN SHIT ON YOUR FACE!” Zangief is also a devout member of the Jewish faith.

I asked Zangief if he had any words of advice for any potential readers out there who may not have had the pleasure of meeting him in person. “Get out of my room you fucking “SHE-RA.” I swear I’ll kill you and your stupid website. I’ll kill it until you die. [Bottles smashing; bloodcurdling screams] Never shop at Circuit City.” Truer words were never spoken.

The next morning, when asked if he had any parting words, Zangief had this to say: “Quoting yourself makes you seem educated and well respected by others. Oh, and of course, Jersey rules!” It won’t and Jersey certainly doesn’t.

Words do nothing.

Zangief appears frequently in my nightmares and even more frequently in the gutter on the streets outside of the Collegetown bars. To schedule a meeting with him e-mail me.

My Rules for Living - #1 - Just Move

2008-03-20T14:55:00.002-04:00

This is the first in a series of posts that will examine the in's and out's of how I live my life, and how you, and other common American citizenry should live yours. I expect there to be 10, since ten is the arbitrary number for most lists and digits in sets of hands or feet. Still, I will go on ad infinitum as needed since this is my damn website and I will do what I please.

Rule #1: "Just Move"

Or as it is most days, "Fucking move!" Look, I live in New York City. I work in Rockefeller Center. There's a lot of goddamn people going about their business every which way here. Especially at Rock Center around Christmas time, or in godforsaken Times Square all of the time, there's a lot of commotion on the sidewalks. I've got long legs and I like to move fast. I don't like just standing around and I especially do not like walking behind human dump trucks who stop every sixteen inches to take a different look at the same buildings. This includes both tourists and fat locals.

It's really simple. On public walkways, just keep walking. Don't stop, for any reason, ever. Your son or daughter has gone missing? Just keep walking. Your having a baby? Just keep walking. You don't have legs or feet? Just keep rolling and/or scraping along. Or at least just sidestep like, 2 feet. Are you so oblivious to the world that you don't realize the throngs of yearning masses walking behind you?

This rule is most needed for people who decide to just stop walking completely and, of course, you crash right into them. The best comes when this rocket scientist says "Hey watch where you're going!" in a snooty voice. No asshole, you are the one at fault here, not me. People like this should be shot in the face.

Related to the concept of "Fucking move," is "fucking get out of my way!" This rule is most needed when people are already situated on a sidewalk, just standing there, not really doing much of anything, and the stream of traffic has to part to go around them. I like to pretend to be blind and just plow straight into them full force. That teaches them. Don't even get me started on blind people...

Thus ends our first rule. Don't stop moving. Ever. Just. Fucking. Go.

Welcome to the Sexatorium!

2008-03-20T14:52:00.001-04:00

My incoherent babbling has gone un-vented for far too long. I'm back. I refuse to use the word blog however, so "sexatorium" will replace that word from here on out.

Sample dialogue from "Juno" as it would be told in my sexatorium:

Juno: Blippity bloppity, home slicer.
Stupid Friend: Swear to sexatorium, Juno!

They've Got Big Hearts Damnit!

2006-10-09T09:48:00.001-04:00

I know I've all but forgotten this "blog" exists, but there is something I need to just get out there and into the ether...

I watch (and enjoy) "Little People, Big World."

Many people probably don't even know what the show is, so allow me a moment to fill you in. It's a reality show about midgets, but it's also so much more. The parents are little people with four children who range in size. They have a young son who is normal height (and being 9, he's just grown past his parents), a daughter who is already towering over them, and a set of 16 year old twins, who believe it or not are mixed in size. One is little, one is not.

I found this show lurking on the DVR of some friends about a month ago. I had no idea what it was, but they sure had a lot of episodes on there, and I was pretty messed up, not looking to move and wanting to be entertained. After the initial shock and hilarity that TLC was airing a program about midgets, I settled in with the show and watched. Boy was I surprised. Not only is the show very well done - a finely crafted documentary about the suburban life in Oregon - but it's a whole lot more than, "We've put midgets on TV and you'll watch it because midgets are funny."

The parents on the show are probably as nice and supportive as Mike and Carol Brady on their best days. The kids are pretty bratty most of the time, but clearly love each other and their folks. In short, they are a model family and much better role models for America than ninety percent of the other crap that's on TV. It's entirely wholesome and sweet as saccharine and just some damned good TV. The fact that they're little people was the impetus for me to watch it, but I've stuck around for their genial dispositions and honest-to-god love for one another.

If America could act more like the Roloffs (that's the family's name, by the way) and less like the foolish celebrities we seemingly idolize (including such famous koo-koo bananas as Mel Gibson, Paris Hilton, Tom Cruise, and a seemingly endless list of inane overgrown children whom we follow every waking second) we'd be a lot better off as a country. Until then, though, check out "Little People, Big World." It'll make you think twice about dwarve-tossing at the local pub.

I Might Be Giant Too

2006-09-07T16:49:00.001-04:00

I did this same thing on my LiveJournal years ago and I thought it was a pretty cool little thing. Describe yourself using only song titles from your favorite band. Then, I did it using Radiohead and it turned out pretty gosh dern good. Today, I'm doing the same thing with my other all tiem #1 favorite band, They Might Be Giants. Enjoy...

*Describe yourself using one band and song titles from that band*
Choose a band/artist and answer only in song TITLES by that band::	They Might Be Giants
Are you male or female::	Particle Man
Describe yourself::	Hypnotist of Ladies, SEXXY, Am I Awake?, Your Racist Friend
How do some people feel about you::	Kiss Me Son of God, My Man
How do you feel about yourself::	I Palindrome I
Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend::	Your Own Worst Enemy
Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend::	A Self Called Nowhere
Describe where you want to be::	The Statue Got Me High, Road Movie to Berlin
Describe what you want to be::	Rabid Child, Spy, I Should Be Allowed To Think
Describe how you live::	Nothing's Gonna Change My Clothes, Experimental Film
Describe how you love::	Birdhouse in Your Soul, Finished With Lies
Share a few words of wisdom:	You'll Miss Me, Now Is Strange, We've Got a World That Swings
Take this survey Find more surveys You've been totally Bzoink*d

Maybe tomorrow I'll make a real post. I got a lot of beef with the world...

Celebrities Are Important!

2006-08-18T09:26:00.001-04:00

This past week, a large group of celebrities including Nicole Kidman, Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis, and Danny DeVito, amongst many others, took out a large ad in the Los Angeles Times saying that they are all collectively against terrorism.

WELL FUCKING HALLELUJAH! I don't know what I would have done if the damsel-in-distress from "Batman Forever" (Kidman) and the bad guy from "Spy Kids 3D Game Over" (Stallone) hadn't made their opinions so abundantly clear. You know what difference it makes now that we know Hollywood doesn't support terrorism? A great weight has been lifted from my shoulders, I tell you.

It's a very sad state of affairs when actors and actresses think they have any kind of say in what goes on in the world, let alone something as asinine as publicly "coming out against terrorism." Even if the AP story about this did describe the announcement as "strongly worded," who gives a shit? Wow, the crotchety boss on "Taxi" really doesn't like terrorist? Fuck me...

You know what would be ballsy? Someone coming out and saying they supported terrorism. That would raise a few heads instead of eliciting a few sighs. Hey celebrity collective, do you know who else is against terrorism? EVERY AMERICAN MAN AND WOMAN! And I didn't even have to read the LA Times to figure that one out.

Isn't this the kind of pompous self-centered-ness that made us such a lovable target for terrorists in the first place? Maybe they should all go back to fucking work and make an original movie every once in a while instead of sitting around with their heads up their asses acting like they make a difference. I've had it with these mother-fucking remakes of these mother-fucking movies.

Incidentally, go see "Snakes on a Plane" this weekend.

Terrorists Thwarted; Country Dumbened

2006-08-11T09:41:00.001-04:00

And dumbened isn't even a word. See how quickly it spreads?

Starting this week, you are no longer allowed to bring any liquids, gels, or pastes of any kind with you on an airplane (well, at least not in your carry-on bags). Yes, there is growing concern that millions of Americans, most of them too stupid to tie their own shoes, are going to use that Dasani bottle and some Zoloft to cook up a dirty bomb and crash their planes into who knows where.

The illusion of safety on airplanes grows, you're deprived of precious cans of Red Bull and Dr. Pepper, and merchants in the airport concourses suffer great financial losses because they can't peddle their over-priced sunscreen.

Oh, and your shoes are going to be x-rayed now. Won't that be fun? "Experts" ask that you arrive to airports over two hours early now to make it through all the additional and useless screening processes. I'm sure this will send airplane company profits through the roof (that is, crashing down into the roof since they're airplanes and we assume they are flying). But hey, the taxpayers can just bail them out again when they complain about it.

Ah, the cycle of stupidity continues. But at least we're now more certain that we might be able to prevent a possible terrorists attack that may or may not occur at any given moment.

It was also nice of most major news sources to tell everyone which chemicals can be combined to make weapons. That sure is the best way to prevent it from happening. Of course, chemistry textbooks have had that information published for years, leading us to the only possible conclusion that chemistry professors are terrorists.

This Week in Comics - 08-09-06

2006-08-09T14:33:00.001-04:00

Comics. Funny books. Graphic literature. You get it, I know. Here's what's what...

Ultimate X-Men #73 - Marvel - Pretty standard mid-issue for a three issue arc. The Professor informs the X-Men that new recruit, Magician, is not what he seems. X-Men fight Magician. And that's all that really happens here, which isn't to say it's bad. Tom Raney's art is a bit cramped at times (like when every X-Man has a projectile coming at Magician) but for some reason I really liked it. The coloring reminded me of mid-90's X-Books, which is a good thing (as long as the plots don't do that). Last issue was point A, next issue is point B, but you need a little bit of journey in there and that's this issue. "B"

Civil War: Front Line #5 - Marvel - Speedball gets out of Earth prison and goes to the Negative Zone prison with Typeface and various C-List and D-List anti-heroes. Sally Floyd, the journalist trying to find Captain America, gets arrested. Ben Urich gets fired from The Daily Bugle because it couldn't possibly have been the Green Goblin who attacked him. Wonder Man cheated on his taxes and now has to track down the Atlantean Sleeper Agent. I've just saved you $3. I like the idea of this series alot more than I like reading it, but it's pretty much necessary to follow Civil War. Oh well. "C+"

Fantasic Four: First Family #6 of 6 - Marvel - Why did they never put a recap page on this book? I have no idea what the hell is going in it. I thought it was a re-telling of the Four's origins, but instead it's a fight with some crazed being with god-like powers... which accurately describes nearly all of the FF's foes. I think I need to re-read all of these to make sense of it, but at the same time, I never want to read it again. I'm surprised I bought all of this. A little saddened by it too. "C"

Fifty Two Week 14 - DC - It's going to cost $130 to read this series in its entireity. I could have bought booze with that money. What? Oh yeah, stuff happens in this issue and it's all very, very interesting for fans of Renee Montoya, the Metal Men, and ... actually I just finished it and I don't remember who else was in it. Inexplicably, there's a back-up Metamorpho strip. I'd have thought it'd be Superman or Batman for the second of these, but no. Metamorpho. This series makes me like The Question less because he's hanging around with a mean-spirited lesbian and trapsing off into the Middle East. And where is Booster Gold? Or Animal Man and Adam Strange? Thank God, in another month, Lobo returns in this book. "C"

Beyond! #2 (of 6) - Marvel - This is a very, very strange little mini-series. Ostensibly, this is Secret Wars redux part 3 (or is 4 now?) and most fanboys can surmise the Secret Wars, but for those who cannot, here's the deal. There's a god-like being called the Beyonder who took heroes and villains to a place called Battleworld and said he'd give the winners their heart's desires. Long story short, he's apparently back and has taken the weirdest friggin' group of characters ever assembled and thrown them into space with absolutely no promotion from the Marvel marketing department. This is a book where we have original Avengers the Wasp and Giant Man, as well as the new bootleg Venom - who used to be Scorpion, for those keeping score, the new bootleg Kraven, and the narrator of the story, little-known newbie hero Gravity, whose mini last year was one of my fav's. Last issue, heroes got abducted and Venom killed Spider-Man. This issue, Venom goes crazy, the ship crash lands, and Deathlok comes back out of absolutely nowhere. Casual comics fans should avoid this book like the plague, but if you like random characters doing things for random reasons (and I must say, I do) check it out. "B+"

Secret Six #3 (of 6) - DC - What is this, confuse the reader week? No recap page to found, and I have no idea what the point of this book is anymore. I know it has Catman and Deadshot and its about villains. Vandal Savage's daughter, Scandal needs to have a baby or Vandal will kill her except she's a lesbian (there are a lot of those nowadays at DC...). I don't even know what I just read, What a terribly confusing week. Oh, the Doom Patrol shows up and the Mad Hatter may or may not epileptic. And a naked chick. "B-"

Superman #655 - DC - Thankfully, there are no backwards talking robots or random cuts to Firestorm and Nightwing like in the last ish of Action Comics. Clark is on his way to Kazhkstan (insert Borat joke here) and goes off to save his scientist friend Callie. Nothing exemplary here, but that's fine by me. If you want to see Superman fly around and save people, here's a good place to start. Some ongoing plots are advanced and some new ones start up. I'm not sure how I feel about this Subjekt 17 villain. He looks like another super-strong invulnerable lunk who can hit Superman very hard. Seems like there's a lot of those floating around, so why make a new one up? I'll see where this is going before I pass my judgment. Vast improvement over the last Action Comics.

Ultimate Spider-Man Annual #2 - Marvel - Spidey. Kingpin. Punisher. Daredevil. Moon Knight. Lots of blood, guns, and ass-kicking. Sound good? You bet your ass it does. "A"

That's all the time we have for today folks. See you in the funny books.

The DVD Collector's Lament

2006-08-07T11:03:00.001-04:00

If I had to pinpoint my biggest vice in this world, it would have to be my love of things. I really, really like to buy things. I especially like to get a good deal on the things that I like. I like to display the things I own and promote conversation concerning my things. It's not that I brag about my things, it's just that my things are an essential part of my being, and I'm vain and like to talk about myself. I am a gestalt of the things I own, and the things I own are pretty friggin' sweet.

But of my many things, the two biggest and most important are my two most sprawling and massive collections: my DVDs and my comics. Comics are great, but not what I want to talk about here. I'm sure there will be plenty more of that down the line, believe me. Today, I want to talk about my DVD collection. I can't really recall a day in recent memory where I haven't had a DVD on for at least some portion of my day, and there certainly hasn't been a week since I began working where I haven't purchased a DVD. On Sundays, the first thing I do is grab the paper, pluck out the Best Buy and Circuit City circulars and check out who has the best deals for what DVDs. In a nice way, I'm a DVD collector, but in a not so nice way, I have an unhealthy problem when it comes to buying DVDs.

The greatest problem with my collection lies in the fact that it takes time to watch a DVD, often 10 hours for some of the better special editions with commentaries and such, yet it's a relatively spontaneous process for me to buy them. ("UHF is only $6? Yoink!") I have a fairly large and growing collection (which you can peruse virtually, here) and I simply don't have the time to watch anywhere near the full amount of content on these DVDs. So, there are a lot of DVDs that I have, but have never watched. That seems strange to me, the rational being. Case in point, a few weeks ago I was reading a list about the best comic book movies ever, and a little remembered movie called "The Rocketeer" graced the list. (I didn't even know it was a comic.) I remember when the movie came out my older brother was a pretty big fan of it and when we subsequently went to DisneyWorld in 1992 or so, The Rocketeer had breakfast with us at one of those character meet and greet meals that Disney does. (Chip and Dale were there too, how cool is that!)

Anyway, I hadn't seen the movie in a good thirteen years, barely remembering what it was about aside from a rocket pack, Jennifer Conolly, and a lot of Nazis. The discover that Terry O'Quinn, Lost's John Locke, played Howard Hughes in the movie ignited within a burning drive to possess "The Rocketeer." I like comics, I like Locke, I like the episode of "Arrested Development" where George Michael gets a rocket pack. Ipso facto, I like "The Rocketeer" (Yes, this is an accurate representation of how my brain works.)

Now, the Rocketeer came out in the very early 90's and had been released in early 2000 as a bare bones DVD (meaning 'special features' that include "Brand New Menus!" and "Theatrical Trailer!" an albatross for serious DVD collectors as myself). It was older and pretty obscure, and that means it was hard to find and it was expensive. Not markedly so, but if you don't buy a DVD at Best Buy or Circuit City, you're overpaying for it, and they didn't have it. So I bought "The Rocketeer" at an overpriced store for about $16. (I actually got it in a sale that was buy 2 for $25; the other movie I got, "Batman: Mask of the Phantasm" is a favorite of mine that I had long wished to own.) This extremely boring and long-winded story about "The Rocketeer" culminates in the following punchline: It's been about a month, and I still have not watched the damn movie.

And this is something I was getting borderline crazed about. "I must buy 'The Rocketeer!'" crazed. Then I got it, suffered some mild mockery from my peers (to the tune of, 'Why would you buy a Disney movie from 15 years ago?' to 'Dude... The Rocketeer?'), and it's been sitting under a pile of other DVDs for weeks now.

And this wasn't a one time thing. When I was a freshman in college, I distinctly remember one weekend when my parents were up. The common thing to do with my parents was to go to the mall (I wonder how I developed my love of spending...), specifically to Target. Target often has sales for DVDs that are either so old that no one who buys DVDs wants them ("The Apple Dumpling Gang?") or were so hyped that they really over-ordered them and misplaced the demand ("SWAT?"). They're usually ten bucks or less, which is a big fucking blinking light to a DVD collector that says, "Hey man, this is cheap." Now, I'm a pretty big fan of Steve Martin, or at least his earlier work and not so much "Cheaper by the Dozen 2." One of the sub-ten-dollar DVDs at Target on this particular evening happened to be "Roxanne," a late-80's retelling of the play Cyranno de Bergerac, with Martin in the Cyranno role with an obnoxiously long synthetic nose. I've long remembered this movie for one of its best lines, where two schmucks are making fun of Martin's character on a tennis court. He approaches them and says, "Boy, I really like your shoes. I like them a lot, but I wouldn't want to be in them" then proceeds to beats them up. Or maybe he walks away. I don't remember.

Where was I going with this? Oh, right. So I'd seen "Roxanne" in high school, when channel 11 would play it constantly along with Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn's "Overboard." It's a funny, sweet little romantic comedy. At least I think it is. You see, the last time I saw it was back in those high school days. I bought it at Target that day with my parents (or more likely it was bought for me, thanks Mom and Dad) fully intending to watch it, and now it's four years later and I still have not.

The list of my unwatched DVDs balloons from there. I own all six "Leprechaun" movies, but have never watched "Leprechaun 2." I got the "Batman- Legacy" box set for Christmas, and still haven't' touched "Batman Forever" or "Batman and Robin" (maybe that's a good thing, though). I bought the complete run of the short-lived TV show "The Flash" earlier this year and didn't make it past the first disc (of seven). I have "Ghoulies" on DVD from a bundled eBay purchase, and have still never attempted to watch it. "Mom and Dad Save the World?" Damn Wal-Mart and it's dirt cheap DVDs...

I don't really have a point here except to highlight the fact that sometimes my desire to fuel my collection eclipses my common sense. I'll close with one more DVD related anecdote that is actually about a friend of mine, not me., though we do have the same name. Just last week, for the first time that I've ever noticed - and I watch these kinds of things diligently - the big two electronics giants (Best Buy and Circuit City) were selling a large swath of DVDs for a scant $4. I'm the guy who bought "Bedazzled" for $20 when it first came out, so DVDs for a fifth of that is a big deal. My friend and I swarmed to the hallowed halls of DVD sales and began to stock up. All told, I only bought two $4 movies, and one $7 movie, as well as a $15 Gamecube game. That put me in the red for $30, which is a pittance to what I sometimes drop. My friend however was much more taken by some of the better sales (and I would have been too if I didn't already have the DVDs involved). Let's just say in addition to $4 DVDs, "Futurama" sets were on sale for $20 each (and usually sold for more than double that) and "Curb Your Enthusiasm" sets were $22 each (not as large a drop, but still a great buy).

All told, my friend dropped roughly $100 in one night, lamenting it immediately since he was trying to save money for his new apartment. I, being a good friend, consoled him by telling him that it'd be ok and that he now had countless hours of phenomenal entertainment. Still, I was the one playing devil's advocate encouraging him to buy them in the first place.

Anyway, the next day I get a message from him saying roughly the following. "Man, I got home last night. I didn't even know what I had bought. It's a blur. I'm looking in the bag and I'm like, "Black Sheep?" What the fuck?"

I love a good DVD sale, and in all honesty, not joking at all, as soon as this is published, I'm off to Best Buy. This week "American Psycho" is $4, and I almost bought it last week for $10. In a way, I'm about to make $6. In another, more accurate way, I have an unhealthy DVD problem.

As a final note, the whole reason I started writing this is because I just received a whole buttload of free DVDs. Where I work, on occasion we get some freebies from a distributor that we are friendly with, and I am the second one to get picks. Today was the jackpot, by far, with a number of DVDs for TV shows I actually like. What's that, free copy of Rodney Dangerfield's "Ladybugs?" You want to come home with me? Absolutely.

There's a wonderful spot for you, right under "The Rocketeer."

This Week in Comics - 08-02-06

2006-08-03T11:45:00.000-04:00

I'm gonna do this so super fast that even if you don't care you might actually read it. Light week for me this week, which just means I'll spend more money on my other vices (DVDs, the movie thaters, Taco Bell/Wendy's/White Castle...) Let's press on:

Fifty Two Week 13 - DC - You either read 52 or yoiu don't, and no one's going to start reading now if they haven't been all along. This week, Black Adam is in love with the demi-god woman he created last week. It's kind of boring, and the two of them go off freeing children slaves, then giving them sanctuary in Adam's nation of Kahndaq. It's ok, but nothing great. The better part of the issue focuses on Elongated Man disrupting the ritual of the Cult of Conner resurrection cult. A good twist and a very dark, disturbing, and psychologically damaging point for the character. I doubt he'll be appearing in the book for a few weeks, but he'll definitely be back. And there's some creepy guy in the shadows watching him in the last panel. Smells important to me... "B"

Detective Comics #822 - DC - Two issues in and I am really liking Paul Dini's run. I mean, the man crafted "Batman: The Animated Series," so how could this not be good? This issue Batman teams up with a newly reformed Riddler, who has taken a job as a freelance police detective. Very funny interactions between Bats and the Riddler, but there's a good four pages at the end that are a voice talking on a phone while another character reacts. A little weak and not too visually enticing. All in all, a very good issue featuring one of my favorite Batman villains. "A-"

The All New Atom #2 - DC - This book is just weird but for some reason I really like it. The plot was concieved by Grant Morrison (and it's very reminiscent of "The Filth" in some ways) but it's written by Gail Simone who brings a touch more emotion to the book. I have no idea what's going on with the overarching plot, and it's a little far-fetched that young nubile college women would be so attracted to an Asian physics professor who is fresh off the boat (is that racist, I apologize if it is), but it makes for a good read. The quotes every few panels from famous scientists is a nice touch, but I can't see it lasting too many more issues. Great book for anyone who likes science, superheroes, and weird bug aliens that live in the sewer. The twist at the end is very clearly a set-up, but I'll see where it's going. Recommended. "A-"

Invincible #34 - Image - I love, love, love this book. Mark deals with the reprecussions of brutally slaughtering Angstrom Levy, as well as the slight problem that he's in another dimension with no way out. It's a bit of a deus ex machina how he gets out, but I'll buy it because Kirkman pulls it off well and Ottley provides such great art. Hopefully the wheels of romance are finally turning for Mark and Eve. Bout time. Good bits with the Mauler twins as well, and glad to see that Robot isn't actually evil (or is he?) "B+"

Uncanny X-Men #477 - Marvel - BORING. And the first two issues showed such promise, too. Frankly, I expect more from Brubaker who uses this issue to forcefeed his new villain, Vulcan, down our throats. I'm pretty sure no X-Men actually appeared in it. Vulcan sucks. His plan is stupid, his powers are generic and nonsensical, and his origin is contrived and relatively impossible. Oh, and he's Cyclops and Havok's brother from a forgotten mid-90's storyline that no one but geekier folk than I care about. And this issue focuses on him. Bring back Warpath, he's way more interesting. "D"

Ultimate Spider-Man #98 - Marvel - The Ultimate Clone Saga progresses and there's at least one predictable plot twist: Gwen Stacy is back, alive and well. Mary Jane is kidnapped, Peter visits the Fantastic Four (who, I feel, are written way out of character than they are in their own book), and there's a bunch of clones running around. I'm fairly positive the Spider-Woman Peter talked to was some kind of female clone of himself, but time will tell. I don't know where Bendis is going with this, but I know I'm not going to miss it and so far, it hasn't thrilled me. Nice art though. "C+"

And that's it for me. Back to work then. I have some tasks that I really need to take head on. (Apply directly to the forehead.)

My Mind Has Melted

2006-08-02T15:21:00.001-04:00

It's over a hundred degrees in New York City today, so it should go without saying that it's fucking hot. Though I rest on my laurels in my air-conditioned office building, I've hit the mid-day doldrums like a sprinter running through a barb wire fence. As such, I find that I'm unable to do my job and should request that I go home early. I'm trying to write up a review of a book my company publishes for our internal website, and dang it, if my brain didn't just up and die while I was halfway through it. Here's what I had come up with...

The I Chong
by Tommy Chong

When the police arrived on Tommy Chong's doorstep one morning, he had expected it to be a pretty cut and dry marijuana charge. He is, after all, Tommy Chong. But it turned out that the feds had arrived to arrest the mother fucker. Man, ain't that a b? Nigga done went to jail and shit, but s'allright, he wrote a book. Book backwards is koob. KOOB. Buy the book. Koob the yub. Yub yub yub. Tis a good book. S'a very good book. boooooooook. muuuuuuuuh. fargle blaringle glor shmug fazzini terererpin gorgo syztek.

In conclusion, I highly recommend this book to any and all fans.

Man, I gotta go home and go to sleep....

Alien Mind Control Meets Advertising

2006-07-31T14:56:00.001-04:00

Those who know me personally know that I am a big fan of the television show "Jeopardy!" The once great quiz show format is now-relegated to being the smarter older brother of "Wheel of Fortune," and that's ok, because America is pretty dumb by and large and "Wheel" makes people feel smart.

Anyway, one part of "Jeopardy!" as of late has not been too smart. It's been downright creepy and strange and if it wasn't coming from the coveted commercial spots between Alex's bad jokes I'd swear it was a joke. I am referring to one of "Jeopardy!'s" new sponsors, and their completely insane commerical: Head-On. (Apply directly to the forehead.)

The makers of Head-On (Apply directly to the forehead.) decided that the world's headache medication was lacking. Instead of simple, easy to swallow pills like your Tylenols or Advils, what you really need to do is tackle problem "Head on" (Apply directly to the forehead.) by, well, applying an ointment directly to your forehead. It's basically a deodorant can that you use on your forehead that somehow penetrates the skull and claims to relieve headaches. Nevermind that fact that this product is completely insane and would render a user completely idiotic if anyone ever saw them using it. The commerical is mind control, pure and simple.

If you haven't seen it here's a summary:

(A zombie-like woman stares into space while rubbing a can on her forehead.)
"Head-On. (Apply directly to the forehead.)"
"Head-On. (Apply directly to the forehead.)"
"Head-On. (Apply directly to the forehead.)"
(end)

It's baffling, it's strange, it's amazing! What a great idea for a mind control/advertisement. Just repeat your message in a monotone voice while a zoftic woman stares into the distance and makes you feel dirty for even watching it. What's next? Beer commericals?

"Budweiser. Apply directly to the liver."

Let's just hope the makers of Head-On (Apply directly to the forehead.) don't come up with a herpes mediciation anytime soon. "Head-On. Apply directly to the nutsack."

Something tells me they won't show that commercial on "Jeopardy!"

(Watch the amazingly disturbing and 100% true commercial for "Head-On"(Apply directly to the forehead.)

Moronic TeleVision

2006-07-27T13:52:00.001-04:00

This year marks the 25th anniversary of MTV, the revolutionary channel that helped launch the careers of hundreds of vapid braying airheads and systematically ruined America. Let's all take a moment to congratulate them on this milestone.

MTV began as a simple idea. Put music to a kind of freeform movie - a music video - and have them be shown in succession with the help of an on-air VJ (video jockey). It was basically radio with a visual element. And that's a pretty cool idea. I'm all for movies, I'm all for music. MTV, in 1981, sign me right the hell up. (Well, I wasn't alive, but if I was). Unfortunately, over time, as money and marketing consumed the network this premise was completely abandoned. Today, in 2006, I would pay cash money to someone who can find me a good 15 minutes of full music videos on MTV. At this point, even MTV2 is devoid of any music videos and only plays reruns of "Beavis and Butthead" and derivatives of "Jackass."

I remember back in the day - let's say the era spanning from 1993 to 1996 - when MTV was just the absolute shit. Not "shit" like it is now, but "THE shit." They were just past their ten year anniversary and approaching their 15th. The aforementioned "Beavis and Butthead" was making a whole ton of waves in the media when idiots copied what they saw on TV (and this was also repeated by the aforementioned Jackasses of "Jackass"). The MTV beach house, the mighty MTV beachhouse Tiki God (anyone remember him?), "Headbanger's Ball," The 10 spot, "The State," "The Brothers Grunt" (who even remembers that show besides me?), Jenny McCarthy and Chris Hardwick flirting it up on "Singled Out," and fucking MTV's Oddities starring "The Maxx" and "The Head." It was violent, it was loud, it was sexy, and it was fucked up. THAT is what MTV meant to me as a kid. This taboo network that, when I was nine or ten, was what I immediately put on when the parents went to bed and the remote was all mine.

This was the era of grunge, the era of Generation X, a time when low-budget indie movies called "Slacker" or "Clerks" were coming out and advertising the shiftless lazy masses that wanted to say a big fat 'fuck you' to everything and everyone that expected them to "make something of themselves." MTV was the counter-culture and it was fucking great. I remember staying up late one summer to catch Prodigy's video for "Smack My Bitch Up," which was only aired after 1 am due to the excessive violence, drugs, and nudity it contained. Yeah, MTV played videos back then. And they were starting to do more shows and less music, but it was fine. Most of them still revolved around music anyway. "Beavis and Butthead" was more or less all about mocking bad videos, aside from the whole frog baseball thing. But for anyone with eyes still reading what I have to say on this foresaken blog, I can tell you the very moment, the very day, that the MTV I knew and loved so much, died.

September 14th, 1998

I was but a starting freshman in high school, filled with dread and anticipation over four years that might be hellish and scar me for life (they were and they did). And to coincide with my change of life, one of my favorite networks was about to have a change of its own.

On that fateful September day, they premiered a show called "Total Request Live."

Enter Carson Daly. Enter Britney Spears. Enter NSync and the Backstreet Boys and fucking 98 Degrees and 5ive and every other idiotic boy band. Enter Avril Lavigne and (even though I like them) blink-182. The new audience wasn't that generation x slackerdom that I as a pre-teen so desperately wanted to identify with. No, it was teeny-bopping middle America being pandered to by blonde-haired blue-eyed sirens singing about how they're not that innocent and waving bye, bye, bye. Jump ahead eight years and see the fucking difference MTV made. There are preteen girls out there wearing shirts that say "I faked it." and dressing like whores to be like their precious MTV role models. Fucking disgraceful...

I'm not trying to say that MTV was a positive role model for anyone in the pre-TRL days; like I said, idiots were copying Beavis and Butthead all the time. But truth be told, I'd much rather my kids - should I one day seed them - copy Beavis and Butthead than Paris Hilton and Jessica Simpson. At least Beavis and Butthead blew stuff up, they didn't just act like spoiled brat retards.

Oh well, I've long accepted that my MTV is long gone and recognize the fact that my bitching about this makes me feel like an old man. "In my day," etc... All I can do now is listen to Nirvana, Rage Against the Machine, or Soundgarden, watch my battered old VHS tapes of "The Maxx" and "the State" and remember that once, a long time ago, I was witness to something extraordinary. Maybe it's my beloved Gen-X slackers that are now parents and just don't care that their kids are watching mindless pablum.

Good luck on the next 25 years, MTV. I don't think you can mess society up any more than you already have, so there's the silver lining. That and "Pimp My Ride." I love that show.

This Week in Comics - 7-26-06

2006-07-26T19:35:00.001-04:00

Another week, another $25 well spent on the funny books. What have we this week, you say? Well funny you should ask....

Civil War: Front Line #4 (Marvel) - Three ongoing comics in one, and an excellent supplement to the tightly written Civil War. If only House of M had more exposition like this. The first story interests me the least. Two journalists running around, one with no-name heroes I couldn't care less about, and the other being stalked by the Green Goblin. It's so-so. The better story of the three is the tale of poor powerless Speedball, getting his ass kicked in prison because of his involvment in the Stamford incident. Never thought I'd pay hard-earned money for a comic about a C-List character getting beaten up in prison, but here we are. Finally, the Sleeper Cell story is very intriguing. The whole idea of Atlantis Invading is a good one to me, and I'm anxious to see where it goes. I could do without the final pages of this book that compares the events of Civil War to actual historical battles. It just cheapens what the battles were fough for and makes Marvel look extremely pompous. Still, good stuff. "B"

Civil War: Runaways and Young Avengers #1 (Marvel) - There's no way I wasn't going to buy this, being a fan of the respective titles crossing over here. But it's not written by Runaways mastermind Brian K. Vaughn or Young Avengers uber-scribe Allan Heinberg. And that really shows. The runaways aren't as clever or witty as they usually are, and a few of them seem outlandishly out of character. (Why is Xavin a prick now?) The young Avengers aren't as heavily featured so their inaccuracies aren't as perceptible. Still, while not the worst comic ever (it's pretty solid, actually) I can't help but wonder what Vaughn or Heinberg would have brought to the table. "B"

Wolverine #44 (Marvel) - Woo. More Civil War. But this is by far the best Wolverine I've read since Mark Millar's "Enemy of the State" a few years ago. I was at first pretty mad that generic vaguely powered villains had entered the fray, but, surprise surprise, they're part of the Atlantean Invasion building over in Front Line. Very nice cross-promotion storytelling guys. And you don't even need to read one to enjoy the other. That's the way I likes my books; tightly editted, wonderfully written, and filled with blood and violence. I'd say I hope Marc Guggenheim didn't stop writing this title for a good long while, but he's being replaced by Jeph "I'm the Fucking Man and I used to work for Lost" Loeb. It's a good future for Weapon X. "A-"

X-Men #189 (Marvel) - This on the other hand does suffer from the vaguely powered villains syndrome. I do not care at all about Carey's team of uninteresting Mexican supervillains. What's worse is that they seem to be non-mutant but non-human, an idea that has been done to death and never particularly well. I'm probably giving up this book until this arc ends. Chris Bachalo's hideous and unintelligble art doesn't help. "D+"

New Avengers #22 (Marvel) - More Civil War! (Last one of the week though...) It makes me sad that so soon after launching the New Avengers that they're being split apart. It was a nice little team book that had some flaws but also had some kick ass moments in it. New Avengers annual springs to mind, as does the beginning of The Collective arc (not so much the very confusing 'return Magneto's powers' ending.... but i digress). Anyway, this issue focuses on Luke Cage, who if you don't know, is a hard-hitting black guy with unbreakable skin who fights for the hood. So you can kind of guess that he's anti-registration in the whole Civil War thing. Iron Man shows up to push his buttons and a huge fight with SHIELD ensues. Perfectly readable with some very nice touching moments between Cage and his neighbors as well as with his family. Good shit. "A-"

Action Comics #841 (DC) - Ugh. I just started reading weekly Superman comics and I'm already going to have to stop. I can list off a great deal of reasons why this sucks. One, Fabian Nicieza is involved. Two, half of the issue is about Nightwing and Firestorm, who I don't care about at all. Three, absurd alien robot spiders appear out of nowhere and they speak in broken English and go about stealing famous chruches to sell to some giant extraterrestial Auctioneer. Good luck with that. "D"

Fifty Two: Week 12 (DC) - I guess it had to happen sometime. When you have a book that's being told every single week for a year, the creative team is going to lose steam at some point. It's not that this issue isn't good, it's just kind of bland. Lots of build up and not a lot of payoff. Sure, some new superchick named Isis joins the Marvel family, but... meh. Why do I care? I do like all the Elongated Man stuff, though. Slow building, but he's a character who gets a bad rap and he's being well portrayed here. I just want to see something of use happen. "B-"

Batman #655 (DC) - This, however, is quite the opposite of the other DC books I picked up this week. Let's see, it starts with Commissioner Gordon getting poisoned, the Joker gets shot in the face, there's two Batmans for a second, Alfred teaches Batman how to be Bruce Wayne, and we end with a child who claims to be Bruce's son. And it's written by Grant Morrison and drawn by Andy Kubert. Yeah. It's fucking good. "A"

That's all for now, people who aren't reading this. Enjoy.

Venom's Gonna Eat Yo Brains!

2006-07-24T14:57:00.001-04:00

In light of this past weekend's San Diego ComicCon, I felt it only fitting to discuss what I, as a very interested and consciencous observer, took out of ComicCon news coverage to be the most important nugget of information:

In May 2007, Venom is going to eat your brains.

I know, I know. I'm really sorry you have to hear it like this. That motherfucker is going to eat the brains right out of your skull.

See, Venom is kind of like the evil Spider-Man and he needs brains to survive. Director of the Spider-Man film franchise, Sam Raimi, was reluctant to use Venom in his third movie, but really couldn't say no once the very large and imposing Venom came crashing into his office, wrapped a vice-like grip around Raimi's head, and said "Put me in movie or I's gonna eat yo brains!" The Evil Dead director purportedly said,"Yes sir" as feces gripped the sides of his legs.

Venom will be portrayed on the big screen by "That 70s Show" thesp Topher Grace. Grace was also reluctant to take on this very challenging role for the simple reason that Venom promised to eat Grace's brains after shooting finished. Principal photography for the film ended weeks ago and Grace was seen barricading his Hollywood home with flaming barrels and sonic disruptors. Venom's weaknesses are heat, sound and lack of brain flesh. Friend of Grace's, Wilmer Valderrama who played "That 70s Show" sidekick Fez, was brutally murdered by Venom just yards from Grace's house. Police are still looking for Hyde, Jackie, and Tommy Chong, all also reported missing. It is unknown whether Venom stalks Ashton Kutcher, as he was born without a brain.

Reluctantly, the head of Sony's film department, the powerhouse producers of the Spider-Man trilogy, agreed to Venom's very unique brand of marketing for the film. Spinning out of such nouveau marketing ideas like "The LOST Experience" online game or "The DaVinci Code's" Seek the Clues game, "Spider-Man 3" will be presented in real-life "VenomVision" wherein the hulking brute will devour movie-goers' brains at random and inopportune times during presentations of the film. He will be hiding in the rafters of movie houses across the country, dipping down into the crowds as he pleases, lobotomizing patrons with his snake-like tongue and razor sharp teeth.

A surprise appearance by Venom at ComicCon was greeted with shrieks of glee and horror. "I can't believe the REAL Venom is here!" yelled one fan moments before he was maimed and dismembered by Venom's bare hands. "BRAINS!" said Venom, when questioned by local authorities.

Born Eddie Brock, his hatred of Spider-Man coupled with a powerful alien symbiote turned him into Venom. Readers may remember the election of 2000, wherein Venom threw his hat into the running for the Republican party nomination. "Venom think no child be left behind!" was his response to our country's education problems.

Yes, friends, May 4th, 2007 will truly be a black day for American brains.

The Hammock Complex? Down on 3rd?

2006-07-20T15:20:00.001-04:00

Man, these online hammock distributors are real shysty characters. All I want to do is buy a nice comfortable, yet cheap, hammock that I can replace my bed with, but OH NO, the hammock stand in the picture doesn't come with the hammock. You have to buy a hammock stand separately. What kind of scam are they running here?

Discount hammocks and jacked-up prices for steel hammock stands. That's not what America was founded on. That's not even what Russia was founded on. Whatever happened to the old American ideal of a chicken in every pot and a hammock free with stand? I tell you this country's gone to the dogs.

I just wanted a nice affordable indoor hammock for sleeping and lazing purposes and instead I went on a wild goose chase through online hammockeries where stands and hammocks could never co-exist peacefully.

It's times like this that I just want to give up my hammock-bed idea and go back to sleep on a mattress. Like some loser.

Comics Reviews - 7-19-06

2006-07-19T22:10:00.001-04:00

One thing I greatly enjoy is comics. Buying them, reading them, talking about them. S'all good to me. Problem is most people I know don't even touch the things, let alone want to hear me talk about them. So for people too cheap, too disinterested, or just too lame to be down with the comics scene, I'm gonna post on this here blog my thoughts of the comics I bought for the week. Read it if you care, don't if you don't. There's plenty of websites with pictures of cute puppies or videos where people blow up stuff on the Internet to further waste your lives.

CIVIL WAR #3 (Marvel) - For the un-informed, Civil War is Marvel's big summer mega-event. The skinny so far goes like this: The New Warriors, a team of C-List superheroes, were doing a reality show where they fight bad guys on live TV. Most of them were only 18 or 19 and they weren't the names you'd want on your side if Galactus came calling (What's Speedball gonna do? Bounce off of him?). Anyway, they went to bust four C-List bad guys and one of them villains goes and blows up a school and lots of innocent people get killed - on live TV. This leads to the Superhuman Registration Act, wherein all superpowered individuals must register with the government and become paid federal employees. Iron Man is all about it; Captain America is not. Each has a posse. Oh, and last issue Spider-Man publicly revealed that he was Peter Parker. Got all that?

Anyway, this issue, Cap's team, known now as the Secret Avengers, butts heads with Iron Man's Super-Narcs. And that's pretty much it, but don't get me wrong; it kicks ass. If you want to see Steve McNiven's depiction of Iron Man knocking out Captain America's teeth, he's got you covered, and damn is it good. The last page is a big reveal of a character who's been dead for a few years and has apparently come back to side with Iron Man. There's some other stuff in here about Black Panther, the X-Men, and some other ancillary characters, but really, you're either reading this already or you never will. I'd highly recommend you read it. "A"

Eternals #2 (of 6) (Marvel) - Real quick, here's what you need to know. In the 60's Jack Kirby came up with these characters called the Eternals who were immortal superheroes from the dawn of time. No one really ever heard of them or used them in 30 years or so, but now Neil "The Sandman" Gaiman is writing it and it kicks ass. John Romita Jr.'s art doesn't really do it for me in general, but he's a lot better placed on this book than he was on "The Sentry" limited series from last year. In this issue, Ikaras gets tortured, Makkari and Sersi fall in love immediately, and a hostage situation breaks out at a party. I'm not doing it justice here, but since anyone reading this probably doesn't understand a word of what I've just said anyhow, I'll give it a rating and press on. "A"

Justice League of America #0 (DC) - Brad Meltzer, author of "Identity Crisis" two years back, has returned to write the relaunch of JLA. And say what you will about "Identity," (personally, I thought it was good but overrated) Meltzer can write. And it doesn't hurt him that just about every big artist in the employ of DC contributes a page or two to this issue. Basically, the big three, Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman, reminisce about various points in the career of the JLA, ultimately stopping at the present when they get together to decide who's going to be in the new one. Nothing new happens; it's just a rehash of old stuff, some of which I didn't get because I've only recently started throwing large sums of money into the DC Universe. That said, this issue is absolutely amazing. This is why I read comics, this issue right here. Meltzer nails the voice of all three of his characters and shows us all the critical points in their friendship. So well-written I'm going to read it again when I finish writing this. Hands down the best book I've read all month, and to be fair, this month has been pretty fucking good. "A+"

The Flash #2 (DC) - What the hell is going on in this book? The viewpoint jumps back and forth indistinguishably from character to character, and some of those characters are supposed to be dead or missing. Though this issue is more coherent than the last, it's still not a vast improvement. Yet, I'm pining to know where it's going and I've only just started collecting Flash comics, so they've got me for now. Nice art by Ken Lashley doesn't hurt it either. "B-"

Uncanny X-Men #476 (Marvel) - I really hope Ed Brubaker, the new UXM author as of last issue, becomes the next Brian Bendis. He's already writing this book, Captain America, and whatever miniseries Marvel throws at him. Keep giving him books because this guy is the second best writer Marvel has (sorry, no man can top Brian K. Vaughn). I care about Warpath because of Brubaker and Warpath has consistently sucked for 20 years. In this issue, the team of X-Men that doesn't hate Professor X for lying about the Krakoa mission (leftover plotlines from Brubaker's X-Men: Deadly Genesis series) go off into a volcano and find an old Shi'ar base to steal a rocket ship. And that's it really, nothing fancy. Just a good solid team book, something that this title has not been since... God, I can't even remember. I really don't care about the whole third Summers brother plot line, but since it hasn't reared up in full yet, the book is still a lot of fun. Darwin is still a pretty useless new character though. Leaps and bounds over what this book had been for years under Chris Claremont. "B+"

52: Week 11 (DC) - Quickly now, 52 is DC's answer to Fox's 24. It comes out every week, which is pretty absurd by comic standards, and focuses on a missing year in DC continuity since the editors jumped every other title up a year following last year's "Infinite Crisis." This week, Elongated Man goes crazy and beats up kids as he tracks down a cult worshipping the dead Superboy, Batwoman is introduced and she's a hot lesbian, and apparently Sue Dibny is coming back to life. That was quick. Hard to keep a title like this with so many characters fresh, so it feels like it's starting to drag a bit, but I'm still gonna buy it everyweek. Needs more Booster Gold though. "B"

Runaways #19 (Marvel) - The end of the Parental Guidance arc. Brian K. Vaughn writes this title and he's my personal favorite author. AND he kills of Gert, my least favorite runaway, while seemingly bringing Karolina back full time and adding a shape-shifting Super Skrull to the team. Works for me, but bring back Excelsior man! Also, Victor calls Chase a Leeroy Jenkins when he runs into battle without listening in a very geeky Internet fueled in-joke. Bonus points. I doubt anyone reading this understands what I just said. Regardless, "A-"

X-Men: Civil War #1 (Marvel) - The X-Men miniseries tying into Civil War (that should be obvious). This is really just a continuation of X-Men: The 198, which was the miniseries tying into last year's "House of M." And 198 sucked. This is marginally better, but I still have no idea why Bishop would support the Registration Act considering he comes from a future where all mutants were branded as such and brutally oppressed. I really don't want to read this title, but I will keep buying, just like I did with The 198, because I'll be mad if I do miss something good. Hasn't happened yet. "C+"

X-Factor #9 (Marvel) - As much as I loved X-Factor when it came out, I think it's losing it's steam. Forced to contend with useless Layla Miller as a cast member and now forced to stray from it's ongoing plotlines to deal with Civil War. At least Quicksilver is around now, all crazy and hepped up on Terrigen Mists, after last year's "Son of M" series. I'm not sure if the next issue has to do with Civil War or not, but I hope it doesn't. The title's supposed to be about a mutant detective agency, and that's not what this issue is. This one is a near-fight with the X-Men that only serves to establish that Quicksilver, a man who should be a wanted criminal, is now in Madrox and company's care. Peter David can write them better than this, though I did like the scene where Madrox helps the inept New Warrior escape from the police. "B-"

Ultimate X-Men #72 (Marvel) - Part one of "Magical," but really part seven of Robert Kirkman's introductory arc on the title. The X-Men fight the Ultimate Friends of Humanity in a nice little throwback fight, which is perfectly acceptable and very well drawn by Tom Raney. I don't know where Kirkman is going with this Magician character, especially with the twist ending that makes him not what he seems to be. Seems like a standard, here's a good guy you've never heard of but wait he's actually a bad guy! Grant Morrison did it much better in New X-Men with Xorneto, but Kirkman is a great writer and I'll wait to see where he's going with this. I also want to know why he brought back Brian K. Vaughn's very forgettable Syndicate character. We'll see. "B"

And that's everything I spent my money on today. I doubt anyone has actually read it, but I had fun writing it. I'm gonna do comics reviews every Wednesday/Thursday, so if you're interested in such things, ch-check it out. And for anyone who wants to blow some money on some good trade paperbacks, pick up any one of these and you'll have done your mind a whole lot of justice:
Captain America: The Winter Soldier (Vol. 1)
DMZ: On the Ground (Vol. 1)
Fables: Legends In Exile (vol. 1)

Kitlers

2006-07-18T14:35:00.001-04:00

This is absolutely absurd and must be seen to be believed.

http://www.catsthatlooklikehitler.com/

They even call them "Kitlers" which is so adorable that I don't care that it's offensive to most races and veterans of world wars. I haven't been this pumped over a website since www.cuteoverload.com or www.superdickery.com . Both great sites and huge timewasters, but I think cats that look like hitler is the next mySpace.

If only they could spin it into a film deal. I see it now: Snakes on a Plane 2: Cats That Look Like Hitler.

Amazing.

Mysteries Abound on the BQE

2006-07-13T11:52:00.001-04:00

It's a downright pain in my nuts to wake up at the morning's asscrack and rally myself to stand in line with other zombies to patiently wait for the bus. Sometimes, (read: everyday), the bus is full and we have to wait for the next one. That's the fun way of saying I could have slept an extra five or ten minutes, and God knows, I would have liked to.

Still, you see some interesting things from the tinted window that hobbles along the BQE. I mean, sure there's landmarks and crap, some lame green statue, but I care not for history. I thrive on the mass medias. That's why billboards are the stars of my morning show.

For instance, did you know that the characters on USA's "Psych" are fake psychics, but are still in fact, real detectives? I wasn't convinced the first six hundred times I saw that one, but on that six hundred and oneth, I was sold. (And am now obligated to watch "Psych," a pretty good show, actually.)

But not all advertisements are so straightforward. For at least a week, passing along on the BQE, I would see a very bizarre billboard that was completely red, save for the lone words printed in yellow: "I pooted." Confused, excited, and a little bit hungry, I had no idea what to make of it all. Who pooted and why? Who benefits from the poot? Why would someone pay for the poot at all? Was it an unexpected poot or was this planned pootery? I expected the next billboard to provide the answers or even more questions, but alas, it did not. The mystery of the poot grew.

Eventually, I saw another sign that was also red and in the same yellow font displayed the words "My boogers itch." Snippets of forgotten Shakespeare on city billboards? (Few people know that in the tragic climax of Romeo and Juliet, the bard originally had penned "My boogers itch" as Romeo's last words. Only when his wife was on the can with explosive diarrhea did he change it to what it is now: "I done pooted.")

Anyway, the booger sign was different because it wasn't just solid red with text. My eyes met the friendly face of Billy from The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy, gazing at me with his Rhodes Scholar stare and a prying egg beater that got all up in his nostril. There was also an updated Cartoon Network logo, with their new tagline, "Yes!"

Now it all partially made sense. The pooter was clearly a ruse to get more people interested in cartoons. Lo and behold, the next time I saw the poot sign on the highway there was the new CN logo as well as a character from what I would assume is Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends. I will never understand why they left a billboard as confusing and bizarre as "I pooted" unfinished for so long. Did they intentionally want to drive the morning commuters batty before work? Am I just reading too much into it? Can the family understand the baby, or what's the deal with that?

Oh well, some questions will never be answered. Like what "Nougatacity" means, but that dear friends, is an entirely different billboard all together.

Blogs are stupid. Welcome to my blog.

2006-07-12T20:24:00.001-04:00

Hello various internetic peoples. My name is Dan, but you can call me eXplosivo or just X for short. For an 18-month period, I ran a website known as Planet eXplosivo (http://www.plaetexplosivo.com/) [hey that's the name of this blog!] which was continually rivaling Google, Yahoo, mySpace, and Milf Hunter as the most hit website in cyberspace.

Actually, I usually got eight hits a day, half of them were me, and I updated it once every six hundred days. But damnit, I had a website, and that made me cool. Like a Ghostbusters jumpsuit. Or a He Man tattoo.

Since the website cost money, required a lot of time and effort, and generally garnered me some reproach when I never updated from the few people who did read it, I have decided to end it.

Websites are cool and blogs, on the other hand, are for lifeless losers who live at home, watch cartoons all day, and live on Slurpees, corn dogs, and Hot Pockets. People who don't have anything valueable to say write blogs. In short, I think blogs are stupid.

So welcome to my blog. It's going to be a rather strange experience filled with lollipops, gummy bears, and big words like 'reproach' and 'garner.'

Tell your friends.