Time Machine Adventures

Today I got in my time machine and killed Rivers Cuomo in 2001, so that everything after the Green Album no longer exists. Thus, Weezer's album "Raditude" will cease to be.

Then, I had to fix this from ever coming to pass: http://www.rottentomatoes.com/news/1853180/

Preview of My Future Career

Is someone going to sue ABC over "The Middle" at some point for copying "Malcolm in the Middle?" I mean, I haven't watched The Middle, but judging from commercials it looks exactly the same. Oblivious dad, uptight bossy mom, crazy kids, living in squalor with everyone being average and that's ok. I mean, I'd sue.

And for that matter, when is Malcolm going to come out on DVD? The first season came out about 5 years ago, and then nothing. Jerks....

Why Hollywood is Retarded

Janelle will be happy that I actually have posted something (and possibly Andy Whitegiver, if he's still out there).

Look. I get that when certain things get "hot," there's a huge groundswell to jump on the bandwagon (ignore these mixed metaphors!) and make as much money as you can until the well dries up completely. Look at zombies. There's a shitload of zombie things going on, and I haven't reaaaally cared about zombies for years. Sure, 28 Days Later and Shaun of the Dead are two of my favorite movies, but they both came out 5+ years ago. If it was coming out 4 years ago, maybe I would have any reason to care about this Zombieland movie that's coming out soon (and which a lot of internet geeks are creaming their jeans over), but I just can't muster it. I have plenty to nerdgasm over between Wolverine 2: This Time It Might Not Be Terrible and Green Lantern: This Is a Total Crapshoot and Might Be A Colossal Turd-Bomb being in pre-production.

Then there's vampires, a hot trend that refuses to die even more than zombies. Seriously, look no further than Twilight and you see how apeshit people go over for prissy brooding vampires. (Or look at True Blood, this new CW Twilight knock-off show, the fact that they want to have a Buffy reboot movie for some reason, and about 8 million new vampires movies coming out in the next 2 years - the only one even remotely interesting is the extremely poorly titled Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant, and I only care about that because I love John C. Reilly and his chewing of the scenery in the trailer looks pretty good [side note: while I love JCR for Step Brothers, Boogie Nights, and his Brule's Rules segments on Tim & Eric {youtube it} I may never be able to forgive him for the cinematic abortion known as "The Promotion." One of the absolute worst movies I've ever seen.].

Anyway, these are just two recent examples of things that were hits and then immediately had a deluge of knock-offs and also-ran's follow in their wake. I didn't even mention the literally dozens of "boy discovers secret magical world" that came out after Harry Potter or the weird time in the late 90s when disaster movies were really popular, thus causing two nearly identical movies about volcanoes to be released in a short span of time (Dante's Peak and Volcano, and I'll never remember which one is which).

So, people are bandwagon jumpers. This isn't news. Well, I write this today to highlight the excruciating low point that we as a society have gotten to.

We all know that Transformers 2 was a massive hit. In addition to being one of the worst movies I've ever seen (yet, still, worlds better than The Promotion. I'm not kidding. It's really fucking terrible), Transformers 2: Revenge of the Blah Blah made roughly 78 borjillion dollars, and that doesn't include overseas and outer space revenues. Recently, GI Joe was also a pretty big hit and solidifies that we will be seeing GI Joe 2: Tomax and Xamot's Revenge! in the coming years.

Now the problem is, that somehow, in their infinite wisdom, Hollywood bigwigs saw this trend and said "Of course!! Movies based on toys are the new hot thing! Let's start turning out shit based on every toy we can buy the rights to!"

Hence this. http://www.variety.com/article/VR1118007162.html?categoryid=13&cs=1&nid=2562

Listen, I don't want to be a pain in the ass and damnit man, I love me some Legos. But are you fucking serious? And they're making a movie based on the View-Master? The little red binocular-looking things that would make a slightly 3d picture of Ernie and Bert back when I was 4 years old? They're making a movie based on a toy that I'm pretty sure no one under the age of 19 even remembers exists.

I don't even know what else to say. I just. Ugh. I'm tired of this. Go ahead, make movies based on Legos, and Battleship (they're making a movie about Battleship! This is really happening, people! BATTLESHIP HAS NO FUCKING PLOT: IT IS LITERALLY JUST SAYING LETTER AND NUMBER COMBINATIONS AND RESPONDING HIT OR MISS!!!!) and whatever other shit they find in the toy aisle. At least Transformers and GI Joe had a rich history in comics that could be looked at for story ideas (and believe me, they mercilessly raped that gold mine; comic books are the fucking king of the Hollywood bandwagon jumping: every comic ever written has been optioned for a movie, and some mediocre comics are getting movies filmed before the comic has even ended!). Good luck constructing a vivid storyline about fucking Candyland.

Actually, a Candyland movie could be pretty sweet.

If I Were Paul Giamatti's Agent...

Paul,

Great to hear from you the other night! That John Adams mini-series on HBO is really taking off. I saw that the DVD was a hot seller on amazon. Way to go, buddy! I thought I'd catch you in your down time to discuss a few options in your career.

As you probably know already, you've come a long way from Pig Vomit in Howard Stern's Private Parts (and let me tell you, I could tell you some pretty fucked up stories about pig vomit in Howard Stern's private parts... eww...). A leading man! That's what you are now! And you're a little overweight and bald and not that attractive. Good for you, guy!

So you've gone from bit character actor to leading man, but now I think it's time you became the next logical step... franchise hero! Think about it, G-spot! You've had some hits, both critical and commercial. So let's just take a look through the vaults here and come up with some viable sequels to set up some tent poles at the studios. Bear with me!

- Sideways 2: Frontways! - Everyone's favorite schlub and wine snob is back in a new wacky adventure! We're gonna team you and Thomas Hayden Church (Lowell from Wings!!!) again and set you on a heartfelt, but wine-fueled romp, through America's heartland. Now, the first Sideways was a big indie hit and made you an unexpected star. We're going to get rid of all the melodrama and the big fancy dialogue (research shows that most people don't know what a "Pinot" is or why you pernounced Mer Lot as merlow...). Instead, grab your box wine and let's get it started in here!!! We're thinking the two of you team up with a monkey and have to travel from New York to Napa to save Monkey Butt Vineyards from being sold! Along the way you'll meet a cavalcade of characters, each kookier than the last! Think Harold and Kumar for the over 40 crowd. Also thinking of calling it 2ideways! or Step Up 2 the Sideways.

- Lady in the Water 2 - We can't get M. Night Shyamayamyamyamyamlan to come back for the sequel, but it's already in pre-production, so, what the fuck. Let's just do it. The first one... Look I'll level with you Paul. It was crap. A box office bomb, critically panned, and it got M. Night fired from Disney. We wanna put all that behind us and really just focus on what worked in the movie. Do I smell a reboot!!! Oh yes I dooooooo. The new Lady in the Water, possibly called WaterLady, will be a little bit different. Instead of a small motel owner, you're going to be playing a former
Army scientist who was forced to retire for mysterious (read: sexy) reasons. The lady in the water won't be a nart or a foop or whatever the fuck the first one was about, but will be an experiment you worked on gone wrong... and it's out for bloooood. You and the rest of your former science team (Josh Duhamel, Paul Walker, and for comic relief, let's get that guy from Superbad. The fat one) are going to need to take her down for good. This one is fast tracked and will have lots of CGI monsters and robots (yes we are adding robots).

- Paycheck 2 - Again, Paycheck was a big box office bomb and one of the stepping stones to the crumpling of Ben Affleck's career. Do you know why? It's because the writers didn't focus on your wise-cracking buddy mind-eraser character nearly enough. What happens when a mind-eraser gets a taste of his OWN medicine? That's right. Hilarity ensues. No script necessary (just like Paycheck 1) and we start filming on Monday.

- Fred Claus 2: Fred Claws!!! - This time, your jolly old St. Nick portrayal won't be so jolly. We're looking at a Hard R rating for this tale of familial jealousy and violence. Your character, Santa, will be forced to beat his shiftless layabout brother to a bloody pulp in a quest for vengeance and the right to rule the North Pole. We're not really sure who the target audience is for this movie, but don't worry, we didn't know for Fred Claus either.

That's what we have lined up so far, but we can really pick up any dangling plot threads in any of your movies and just run with them. Is that American Splendor guy dead yet? Is there a sequel in that? I didn't see it, was it filled with dick and fart jokes? Can we get Judd Apatow to produce American Spledor 2: Farts and Man Penis? We can certainly try, Paul. We can certainly Try.

Signed, Your agent

If I Was Will Ferrell's Agent...

Dear Will Ferrell,

Hello again William! It's me, your agent! Due to your explosive movie star career, I've lined up the following projects for you. Please bear with me and tell me which ones you would like to pursue...

- A raunchy comedy about badminton players, possibly set in the 70s. You would play John Birdie, a washed-up badminton expert who comes out of retirement for one last game to try and stop an evil washed-up badminton expert who is trying to do something evil, like create a puppy-killing virus. Movie is tentatively titled "Keep Your Eye on the Birdie!" May also be called "Shuttlecocks." There will definitely be shuttlecock related jokes in the final script.

- A raunchy comedy about bowling, possibly set in the 70s. You would play Steve Brunswick, legendary bowling legend and king of the lanes. Your title as king would be thrust into question by an upstart young bowler with questionable moral character, possibly Seth Rogen or Jonah Hill [which one is which?]. You will learn life lessons that tie into bowling and ultimately win the last game by throwing a strike. Could be called "Strike Out," "Gutterballin' " or "Kingpin." Oh, apparently there already was a "Kingpin" movie. Is it calling out for a remake?

- A raunchy comedy about basketball, possibly set in the 70s. Oh. Sorry. This one is already checked off. My bad...

- A raunchy comedy about cricket, possibly set in the 70s, definitely set in Britain. You would play Horton Q. Gingersnap, noted cricket enthusiast and all around likeable ruffian. You will be playing the cricket match of your life against a rival French (Irish? German? Who does England hate these days?) chap who is seeking to do something of questionable moral character, like knock a rec center down or give orphans the HIV virus. We're trying to get that Borat guy to do it, but we'll settle for Vince Vaughn. Looking at calling it "Sticky Wickets," "Jiminy Cricket!" or " 'Ello Guvna!" Not looking to release this in the States, but English investors are looking for a good sports comedy.

- A raunchy comedy about croquet, possibly set in the 1770s, or whenever croquet was fashionable. We have interns researching what croquet actually is, but you will be comically hit with a mallet 4 or 5 times throughout the course of the film. Looking to get Dakota Fanning to co-star as your precocious little niece who comically refers to hitting your balls (your balls will be comically hit 8 or 9 times during the movie). Looking at calling it "Potato Croquet," "Mallet Rats" or just "Will Ferrell's Esoteric Sport Comedy."

We've only scratched the B's and C's here of various sports comedies you've been offered starring roles in. There's still a curling movie, a jai alai movie, and a movie about pole vaulting (Will have lots of cock jokes; greenlight???). Will, you also still have to let me know about which of the 900 CGI animal movies you'd like to be a part of. I always envisioned you as a talking llama or sloth in some kind of jungle adventure where an adorably unique chimpanzee or a muskrat does things his own way and learns a valuable lesson. I can also try and get you cast on that remake of Gilligan's Island. Are you a Skipper or a Gilligan?

No, I'm just kidding, you're already cast as Gilligan.

hugs and kisses,
Agent B. Agentson

PS - Lorne Michaels called. Desperate for new SNL-themed movie. "Harry Caray's Adventures Through Space and Time?" Think about it.