Today in Douchebags

My repulsion from Green Day, Post-2003 is well documented (in fact, it's documented just a scant few entries below this one!). This post is no different in tone or content.

In the September 2009 Maxim (side note: Maxim is a terrible magazine and I do not support or condone it, I merely get it for free [side side note: there is a really great Oral History of Marvel Comics in that issue as well {side side side note: Janelle, the new Maxim came; please don't get overly upset}]), there is an interview with Green Day frontman, Billie Joe Armstrong. Billie Joe was really cool when I was 12 years old, but now he's just another "success has gone to his head douchebag."

I quote, "I hear they're trying to find a new king of pop. I'd like to throw my hat into the ring."

I hear Billie Joe and Kanye West are teaming up to form a supergroup. Their first single, "I'm the Best!" will drop in September and be featured on the upcoming "Lyrical Geniuses and Voices of a Generation: Lots of Beeping and Booping and Grade-School Level Jibberish about American Politics, Volume 1: The Jesus of Suburbia (whatever the fuck that means) Meets A Creepy Giant Teddy Bear That Wears Neon Pink Poser Sunglasses, You Know, Those Ones that Kind of Look Like Venetian Blinds and Do Not Protect Your Eyes at All, But Let Everyone Around Know You Are a Complete Tool."

Needless to say, I don't care for that Kanye West either.

Why Hollywood is Retarded

Janelle will be happy that I actually have posted something (and possibly Andy Whitegiver, if he's still out there).

Look. I get that when certain things get "hot," there's a huge groundswell to jump on the bandwagon (ignore these mixed metaphors!) and make as much money as you can until the well dries up completely. Look at zombies. There's a shitload of zombie things going on, and I haven't reaaaally cared about zombies for years. Sure, 28 Days Later and Shaun of the Dead are two of my favorite movies, but they both came out 5+ years ago. If it was coming out 4 years ago, maybe I would have any reason to care about this Zombieland movie that's coming out soon (and which a lot of internet geeks are creaming their jeans over), but I just can't muster it. I have plenty to nerdgasm over between Wolverine 2: This Time It Might Not Be Terrible and Green Lantern: This Is a Total Crapshoot and Might Be A Colossal Turd-Bomb being in pre-production.

Then there's vampires, a hot trend that refuses to die even more than zombies. Seriously, look no further than Twilight and you see how apeshit people go over for prissy brooding vampires. (Or look at True Blood, this new CW Twilight knock-off show, the fact that they want to have a Buffy reboot movie for some reason, and about 8 million new vampires movies coming out in the next 2 years - the only one even remotely interesting is the extremely poorly titled Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant, and I only care about that because I love John C. Reilly and his chewing of the scenery in the trailer looks pretty good [side note: while I love JCR for Step Brothers, Boogie Nights, and his Brule's Rules segments on Tim & Eric {youtube it} I may never be able to forgive him for the cinematic abortion known as "The Promotion." One of the absolute worst movies I've ever seen.].

Anyway, these are just two recent examples of things that were hits and then immediately had a deluge of knock-offs and also-ran's follow in their wake. I didn't even mention the literally dozens of "boy discovers secret magical world" that came out after Harry Potter or the weird time in the late 90s when disaster movies were really popular, thus causing two nearly identical movies about volcanoes to be released in a short span of time (Dante's Peak and Volcano, and I'll never remember which one is which).

So, people are bandwagon jumpers. This isn't news. Well, I write this today to highlight the excruciating low point that we as a society have gotten to.

We all know that Transformers 2 was a massive hit. In addition to being one of the worst movies I've ever seen (yet, still, worlds better than The Promotion. I'm not kidding. It's really fucking terrible), Transformers 2: Revenge of the Blah Blah made roughly 78 borjillion dollars, and that doesn't include overseas and outer space revenues. Recently, GI Joe was also a pretty big hit and solidifies that we will be seeing GI Joe 2: Tomax and Xamot's Revenge! in the coming years.

Now the problem is, that somehow, in their infinite wisdom, Hollywood bigwigs saw this trend and said "Of course!! Movies based on toys are the new hot thing! Let's start turning out shit based on every toy we can buy the rights to!"

Hence this. http://www.variety.com/article/VR1118007162.html?categoryid=13&cs=1&nid=2562

Listen, I don't want to be a pain in the ass and damnit man, I love me some Legos. But are you fucking serious? And they're making a movie based on the View-Master? The little red binocular-looking things that would make a slightly 3d picture of Ernie and Bert back when I was 4 years old? They're making a movie based on a toy that I'm pretty sure no one under the age of 19 even remembers exists.

I don't even know what else to say. I just. Ugh. I'm tired of this. Go ahead, make movies based on Legos, and Battleship (they're making a movie about Battleship! This is really happening, people! BATTLESHIP HAS NO FUCKING PLOT: IT IS LITERALLY JUST SAYING LETTER AND NUMBER COMBINATIONS AND RESPONDING HIT OR MISS!!!!) and whatever other shit they find in the toy aisle. At least Transformers and GI Joe had a rich history in comics that could be looked at for story ideas (and believe me, they mercilessly raped that gold mine; comic books are the fucking king of the Hollywood bandwagon jumping: every comic ever written has been optioned for a movie, and some mediocre comics are getting movies filmed before the comic has even ended!). Good luck constructing a vivid storyline about fucking Candyland.

Actually, a Candyland movie could be pretty sweet.

Venom: Carnage Unleashed

You know, I make it a point in general to not write in this blog. Mostly just to annoy Janelle, but largely I don't have anything of value to say to the world. And when I do, I'm lazy.

But today I have something very important to say. I stumbled upon a gem of a book at Strand the other day (Strand being the world famous used book store here in NYC). Like a glorious time capsule from 1996, there it stood, a steal for like $7 bucks... Venom: Carnage Unleashed!

This book has everything, EVERYTHING detestable and worthy of scorn from the mid-to-late 90's comic book derth, just before (possibly during) Marvel's big bankruptcy. Before all the good comics started coming out after X-Men and Spider-Man movies, this was the stuff that pushed the Marvel machine.

Venom: Carnage Unleashed! contains no less than 200 things that are awesome and cheesy and absolutely terrible in a way that makes you feel great. It is a story ludicrously tied in to the video game "Spider-Man: Maximum Carnage" that came out for Genesis and SNES in 1996 in an absurd meta-story where, in the Marvel Universe, Carnage sold the rights to his story to video game producers and the money made goes to the insane asylum that houses him.

A quick aside for the non-comic readers... Everyone knows Spider-Man, and Venom is pretty well known after Spider-Man 3 (though they fucked it up), but Carnage is basically the spawn of Venom. A monsterous alien attached to a ridiculously over-the-top serial killer resulting in a character that has no motive and simply exists to laugh like a maniac and kill. This is completely iconic of what was happening in mainstream superhero comics in the mid-90s. Nonsensical villains that exist simply to be villains. It bears noting that Carnage is my favorite villain ever, partially because I love Mark Bagley's design for the character and partially because of this over-the-top ridiculousness.

Anyway, this is nominally a Venom story and Venom's entire reason d'etre is "evil Spider-Man." But when the character took off in the late 80's/early 90's, Marvel decided to pimp him out in a billion books, all like this one, where he is suddenly a distubred anti-hero who is actually the good guy. He just happens to hate Spider-Man and eat brains sometimes. It's completely ridiculous in every way and the beginning of this story has Eddie Brock, the alter ego of Venom, riding on a bus. That's what you pay good money to see; villains in plain clothes riding the bus. He's sitting next to a character that is almost equally laughable as a non-character that Carnage is... green-haired punk girl! With a guitar!

And he actually tells her that his name is Freddy Block, which is shocking only because Larry Hama, the writer, would have the balls to write something so terrible. (Hama was notoriously prolific and terrible during this period of Marvel).

Even better are the scenes of Carnage - literally, a mass murdering villain of immense power, convicted of murdering dozens of people in cold blood - sitting in his prison cell PLAYING HIS OWN VIDEO GAME ON A COMPUTER THAT IS NETWORKED. I didn't even have a networked computer that could play a game like that in 1996, yet a murderer is allowed to have one in a maximum security mental institution. Sense was not the selling point for this book.

I stopped reading it when Carnage reached through the Internet with his symbiotic alien suit (yes, you are reading this correctly) to murder the CEO of the video game company, who, pages earlier had been cackling in his office about how much money he was making and how much more money he was going to make off of Carnage. His underling even says something to effect of "I love working for you because you are so evil."

Some people go to the bookstore and get like Shakespeare or Dostoevsky or the complete works of Walt Whitman. I bought this and I don't regret it for a second. It is terrible in every great way. And I have only read the first 15 pages.

Also, I started law school and stuff and blah blah blah...

I Bet Michael Buffer Is An Ass

This one is for Janelle, my only reader....

I bet Michael Buffer is an asshole.

If you don't know who he is, Buffer is probably the most famous ring announcer of all time. He's the "Let's Get Ready to Ruuuuumble" guy, and I don't know him personally, but I bet he's kind of a jerk. I mean, his entire career IS saying "Let's Get Ready to Ruuuuumble" and he has it trademarked, which means that I might be sued just by saying it on this website.

So he gets famous for the way he says the word "Rumble" and then makes it so that anyone can't say it like he does without paying him money, which is likely hundreds of thousands of dollars. This is the guy that they get for the big important Boxing matches and WWE title fights. Poor Lillian Garcia, the usual ring announcer for the WWE and all around cutie pie, will never get the chance to announce a Wrestlemania title fight, because they will always get Michael Buffer so he can say his stupid catch phrase.

I don't think I had a very funny point to make with all this. It just seems like a guy who trademarks an asinine phrase like "Let's Get Ready to Rumble" and makes it so you can't say it without his permission is probably a bit of a wanker. I mean, Donald Trump tried to trademark "You're Fired!" and Paris Hilton trademarked "That's hot." and that's not exactly the duo to be in league with if you want a favorable public image.

So that's my piece, it took a month to get it out of me. Michael Buffer.... probably an ass.

Who Would Win In A Fight?

An anthropomophized state of Montana or an anthropomorphized state of California? This is just if the two states stood up and started fighting, though be advised that the quality and quantity of residents will be impacting the fight.

Discuss.

A Conversation Between Me And Carlos Mencia

Me: Joining me here today is "funnyman" Carlos Mencia, star of the hit Comedy Central show "Mind of Mencia." How are you doing today, Carlos?
Mencia: Ohhh man. You know how us beaners are, right? We're always so tired! Beaners are like that and I myself am a beaner.
Me: Well, I can understand you being tired, you're one of the hottest comics in America today.
Mencia: That's because I take people soooo far over the line! You don't even know what it's like! You see, a lot of comedians like to think they're edgy, but really they aren't. Carlos Mencia, that's where the really edgy material is. I take people over the line. I show them the line and then I take them right over it!!
Me: Yes, edgy comedians are all the rage these days. What makes you different from the pack?
Mencia: You don't even know! I tell jokes about things that are real! The war in Iraq? That's real! Send some beaners over there to clean the place up! Beaners like that stuff! Beaners! I have this joke in my act where I talk about pushing this retarded person in a wheelchair. It's funny too because I've never met a retarded person in a wheelchair, but tell people you did and man oh man, they will laugh! They will laugh SO hard, because I am so funny. My mother tells me all the time, "Carlos, you are so funny! "
Me: Your mom calls you Carlos? I thought your real name was Ned?
Mencia: Ned was NOT an edgy name! See, now that I'm Carlos it shows that I know! I know what it's like to be on the edge all the time! I'm out there with all the other beaners, working hard for "da man!"
Me: Well... ok. But isn't it true that 'beaner' is a derrogatory term used largely on the West Coast to make fun of Mexican immigrants? I mean, you seem to associate yourself with them, but... You're from Honduras, originally.
Mencia: I'm fairly certain that Honduras is part of Mexico...
Me: Ned, you've been in some hot water the past few years about stealing jokes from other comedians. Thoughts?
Mencia: Only edgy comedians take jokes from real comedians with talent. That Joe Rogan guy, what did he ever do aside from accuse me of plagiarism?
Me: Well aside from a successful hosting gig on NBC's Fear Factor for many years, he had a role on the show NewsRadio, a stint hosting The Man Show, a successful stand-up tour and at least one hit comedy album. It seems like all you did was crawl into an empty time slot Comedy Central had open when Dave Chapelle decided to leave the network. So they got you, a crappier, much stupider, much more "dumbed down" comedian to fill his place with a show that follows nearly exactly the same format but repeats trite jokes over and over again and never once pushes any legitimate boundaries in what comedy can and cannot do. I'd never even heard of you until that crappy show started airing and I'd wager to say most people still don't know who you are while Dave Chapelle is internationally recognized as a comedic genius.
Mencia: Did you ever notice that beaners REALLY like tacos??
Me: No further questions.

My Rules for Living - #1 - Just Move

This is the first in a series of posts that will examine the in's and out's of how I live my life, and how you, and other common American citizenry should live yours. I expect there to be 10, since ten is the arbitrary number for most lists and digits in sets of hands or feet. Still, I will go on ad infinitum as needed since this is my damn website and I will do what I please.

Rule #1: "Just Move"

Or as it is most days, "Fucking move!" Look, I live in New York City. I work in Rockefeller Center. There's a lot of goddamn people going about their business every which way here. Especially at Rock Center around Christmas time, or in godforsaken Times Square all of the time, there's a lot of commotion on the sidewalks. I've got long legs and I like to move fast. I don't like just standing around and I especially do not like walking behind human dump trucks who stop every sixteen inches to take a different look at the same buildings. This includes both tourists and fat locals.

It's really simple. On public walkways, just keep walking. Don't stop, for any reason, ever. Your son or daughter has gone missing? Just keep walking. Your having a baby? Just keep walking. You don't have legs or feet? Just keep rolling and/or scraping along. Or at least just sidestep like, 2 feet. Are you so oblivious to the world that you don't realize the throngs of yearning masses walking behind you?

This rule is most needed for people who decide to just stop walking completely and, of course, you crash right into them. The best comes when this rocket scientist says "Hey watch where you're going!" in a snooty voice. No asshole, you are the one at fault here, not me. People like this should be shot in the face.

Related to the concept of "Fucking move," is "fucking get out of my way!" This rule is most needed when people are already situated on a sidewalk, just standing there, not really doing much of anything, and the stream of traffic has to part to go around them. I like to pretend to be blind and just plow straight into them full force. That teaches them. Don't even get me started on blind people...

Thus ends our first rule. Don't stop moving. Ever. Just. Fucking. Go.

Celebrities Are Important!

This past week, a large group of celebrities including Nicole Kidman, Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis, and Danny DeVito, amongst many others, took out a large ad in the Los Angeles Times saying that they are all collectively against terrorism.

WELL FUCKING HALLELUJAH! I don't know what I would have done if the damsel-in-distress from "Batman Forever" (Kidman) and the bad guy from "Spy Kids 3D Game Over" (Stallone) hadn't made their opinions so abundantly clear. You know what difference it makes now that we know Hollywood doesn't support terrorism? A great weight has been lifted from my shoulders, I tell you.

It's a very sad state of affairs when actors and actresses think they have any kind of say in what goes on in the world, let alone something as asinine as publicly "coming out against terrorism." Even if the AP story about this did describe the announcement as "strongly worded," who gives a shit? Wow, the crotchety boss on "Taxi" really doesn't like terrorist? Fuck me...

You know what would be ballsy? Someone coming out and saying they supported terrorism. That would raise a few heads instead of eliciting a few sighs. Hey celebrity collective, do you know who else is against terrorism? EVERY AMERICAN MAN AND WOMAN! And I didn't even have to read the LA Times to figure that one out.

Isn't this the kind of pompous self-centered-ness that made us such a lovable target for terrorists in the first place? Maybe they should all go back to fucking work and make an original movie every once in a while instead of sitting around with their heads up their asses acting like they make a difference. I've had it with these mother-fucking remakes of these mother-fucking movies.

Incidentally, go see "Snakes on a Plane" this weekend.

Terrorists Thwarted; Country Dumbened

And dumbened isn't even a word. See how quickly it spreads?

Starting this week, you are no longer allowed to bring any liquids, gels, or pastes of any kind with you on an airplane (well, at least not in your carry-on bags). Yes, there is growing concern that millions of Americans, most of them too stupid to tie their own shoes, are going to use that Dasani bottle and some Zoloft to cook up a dirty bomb and crash their planes into who knows where.

The illusion of safety on airplanes grows, you're deprived of precious cans of Red Bull and Dr. Pepper, and merchants in the airport concourses suffer great financial losses because they can't peddle their over-priced sunscreen.

Oh, and your shoes are going to be x-rayed now. Won't that be fun? "Experts" ask that you arrive to airports over two hours early now to make it through all the additional and useless screening processes. I'm sure this will send airplane company profits through the roof (that is, crashing down into the roof since they're airplanes and we assume they are flying). But hey, the taxpayers can just bail them out again when they complain about it.

Ah, the cycle of stupidity continues. But at least we're now more certain that we might be able to prevent a possible terrorists attack that may or may not occur at any given moment.

It was also nice of most major news sources to tell everyone which chemicals can be combined to make weapons. That sure is the best way to prevent it from happening. Of course, chemistry textbooks have had that information published for years, leading us to the only possible conclusion that chemistry professors are terrorists.