My Mind Has Melted

It's over a hundred degrees in New York City today, so it should go without saying that it's fucking hot. Though I rest on my laurels in my air-conditioned office building, I've hit the mid-day doldrums like a sprinter running through a barb wire fence. As such, I find that I'm unable to do my job and should request that I go home early. I'm trying to write up a review of a book my company publishes for our internal website, and dang it, if my brain didn't just up and die while I was halfway through it. Here's what I had come up with...

The I Chong
by Tommy Chong

When the police arrived on Tommy Chong's doorstep one morning, he had expected it to be a pretty cut and dry marijuana charge. He is, after all, Tommy Chong. But it turned out that the feds had arrived to arrest the mother fucker. Man, ain't that a b? Nigga done went to jail and shit, but s'allright, he wrote a book. Book backwards is koob. KOOB. Buy the book. Koob the yub. Yub yub yub. Tis a good book. S'a very good book. boooooooook. muuuuuuuuh. fargle blaringle glor shmug fazzini terererpin gorgo syztek.

In conclusion, I highly recommend this book to any and all fans.

Man, I gotta go home and go to sleep....

The Hammock Complex? Down on 3rd?

Man, these online hammock distributors are real shysty characters. All I want to do is buy a nice comfortable, yet cheap, hammock that I can replace my bed with, but OH NO, the hammock stand in the picture doesn't come with the hammock. You have to buy a hammock stand separately. What kind of scam are they running here?

Discount hammocks and jacked-up prices for steel hammock stands. That's not what America was founded on. That's not even what Russia was founded on. Whatever happened to the old American ideal of a chicken in every pot and a hammock free with stand? I tell you this country's gone to the dogs.

I just wanted a nice affordable indoor hammock for sleeping and lazing purposes and instead I went on a wild goose chase through online hammockeries where stands and hammocks could never co-exist peacefully.

It's times like this that I just want to give up my hammock-bed idea and go back to sleep on a mattress. Like some loser.

Mysteries Abound on the BQE

It's a downright pain in my nuts to wake up at the morning's asscrack and rally myself to stand in line with other zombies to patiently wait for the bus. Sometimes, (read: everyday), the bus is full and we have to wait for the next one. That's the fun way of saying I could have slept an extra five or ten minutes, and God knows, I would have liked to.

Still, you see some interesting things from the tinted window that hobbles along the BQE. I mean, sure there's landmarks and crap, some lame green statue, but I care not for history. I thrive on the mass medias. That's why billboards are the stars of my morning show.

For instance, did you know that the characters on USA's "Psych" are fake psychics, but are still in fact, real detectives? I wasn't convinced the first six hundred times I saw that one, but on that six hundred and oneth, I was sold. (And am now obligated to watch "Psych," a pretty good show, actually.)

But not all advertisements are so straightforward. For at least a week, passing along on the BQE, I would see a very bizarre billboard that was completely red, save for the lone words printed in yellow: "I pooted." Confused, excited, and a little bit hungry, I had no idea what to make of it all. Who pooted and why? Who benefits from the poot? Why would someone pay for the poot at all? Was it an unexpected poot or was this planned pootery? I expected the next billboard to provide the answers or even more questions, but alas, it did not. The mystery of the poot grew.

Eventually, I saw another sign that was also red and in the same yellow font displayed the words "My boogers itch." Snippets of forgotten Shakespeare on city billboards? (Few people know that in the tragic climax of Romeo and Juliet, the bard originally had penned "My boogers itch" as Romeo's last words. Only when his wife was on the can with explosive diarrhea did he change it to what it is now: "I done pooted.")

Anyway, the booger sign was different because it wasn't just solid red with text. My eyes met the friendly face of Billy from The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy, gazing at me with his Rhodes Scholar stare and a prying egg beater that got all up in his nostril. There was also an updated Cartoon Network logo, with their new tagline, "Yes!"

Now it all partially made sense. The pooter was clearly a ruse to get more people interested in cartoons. Lo and behold, the next time I saw the poot sign on the highway there was the new CN logo as well as a character from what I would assume is Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends. I will never understand why they left a billboard as confusing and bizarre as "I pooted" unfinished for so long. Did they intentionally want to drive the morning commuters batty before work? Am I just reading too much into it? Can the family understand the baby, or what's the deal with that?

Oh well, some questions will never be answered. Like what "Nougatacity" means, but that dear friends, is an entirely different billboard all together.