Why Are Successful Latino Male Actors Part Wolf?

Benecio Del Toro. Javier Bardem. Both look like wolf people. Coincidence?

We're All Full of Some

Food for thought.... 'Awesome' is a word that is thrown around a lot, but it is generally a good thing. When something is so great that it is awesome, it is powerful! Yet by the nature of the word, there's only 'some' 'awe.' Now, chew on this! If something is full of awe, it is 'awful.'

Explain that, science.

I Am A Movie Star (Very Famous)

Friends, have YOU been in a film made by an Academy Award winning director? Because I have. I expect to be hob-nobbing with celebrities every day now that I am super crazy famous and oh so sexy cool. Lindsay Lohan will have sex with me once she gets over her little lesbian phase for you see, I am a world class superstar. I really think I should have my own IMDb page now.

Are you familiar with a little director named Jonathan Demme? You should be! He won an Academy Award for the film The Silence of The Lambs, one of only three films that has ever swept the Academy's top 5 awards (Director, Film, Actor, Actress, Screenplay). If I had to make a list of things I have in common with Academy Award winning actor and known fava bean enthusiast, Anthony Hopkins, it would begin with "We both love Dr. Pepper" (Sir Hopkins' love of the fizzy beverage is well documented). But it would end with
"We are both megastars appearing in Jonathan Demme films."

Being an international movie star and celebrity, I have decided I need new and better friends and everyone reading this is officially dead to me. World class superstars and bon vivants such as myself no longer require this "Face Book" and anyone worth knowing does not use such a contrivance. Friends, I have transcended to a higher plane of existence for I, me, the lovable rapscallion you all know and love, am a world class movie star, appearing in (probably should be credited as starring in...) a world famous movie from world class director, Jonathan Demme.

You see, I once worked for a little known publishing house called Simon & Schuster. They are a two bit operation, publishing nobodies like Stephen King (who??) and a series of books based on something called "Star Trek" (what??). I am much much more famous than the company, this so-called "King," and these Star Treks. I am a world class film star and acclaimed martial artist (can you prove that I am not?). While working at S&S (as the kids call it) I had the opportunity to aid in book signings with one notable former president named Jimmy Carter. Perhaps you've heard of him? He won the Nobel Peace Prize. He is also my best friend and movie star buddy.

World class director Jonathan Demme created a delightful little documentary about President Carter called "Jimmy Carter: Man From Plains." The film is a light-hearted romp telling the story of a senile former peanut farmer who goes around talking about stuff. I don't know, I haven't seen the whole thing, nor would I care enough to ever watch the entire film. But friends, this movie, THIS MASTERPIECE, marks my debut into the Hollywood scene! Yes, it came out last year and you have probably never heard of it (the hoi polloi never hear about the really important and good movies; how many movies nominated for Oscars did you see last year? that's what I thought...). But! I am actually the star of the film. They should have called it "Dan Mulhall: Man-God From Awesometown" because it would have been absolute gangbusters at the box office since I now have a legion of adoring fans.

This film, this opus, features my amazing talents ON THE SCREEN for a full 2 seconds. Please remember that movie star and ass kicking machine Jean Claude Van Dam got his big break from a 2 second role in some movie I am too lazy to look up. I can only assume my career will have a similar path and in no time I will be starring in "Universal Soldier: The Return, The Other Return Different From the Last One."

I highly recommend everyone run out and buy multiple copies of the film, and only watch from minute 26 to minute 27. This is the best part of the film and the only part that matters. The rest is boring and stupid, unless I am in it again which I might be, I don't know. Movie stars do not watch their own movies.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0913958/ Check it out.

Howie Mandel

I think it is excellent that Howie Mandel has reinvented himself from lame prop comic with surgical glove from the 80s to magical wish-granting genie who owns a confederation of briefcase wielding slaves. Bravo sir.

It Is Weird That Kenan is on SNL

You know, I am way late to this, but it is weird that Kenan is on Saturday Night Live. The star of All That, Kenan and Kel, Good Burger, and D2: The Mighty Ducks Return is a major cast member of the much revered SNL.

That's weird.

Especially because he seemingly has not aged a day since 1997. Watch an episode of Figure It Out from 2000, then watch tonight's SNL. No difference at all.

Watch that Kenan and Kel episode where they meet Coolio, which I will completely guess was from 1999. Then watch SNL. He hasn't aged a goddamn day.

I therefore posit that Kenan Thompson is some sort of all powerful immortal, and could very well be the Highlander. Never would have thought that when I saw him in a bathtub saying he wanted his toes licked by a marmoset in French, circa 1995.

What a world in which we live.

Venom: Carnage Unleashed

You know, I make it a point in general to not write in this blog. Mostly just to annoy Janelle, but largely I don't have anything of value to say to the world. And when I do, I'm lazy.

But today I have something very important to say. I stumbled upon a gem of a book at Strand the other day (Strand being the world famous used book store here in NYC). Like a glorious time capsule from 1996, there it stood, a steal for like $7 bucks... Venom: Carnage Unleashed!

This book has everything, EVERYTHING detestable and worthy of scorn from the mid-to-late 90's comic book derth, just before (possibly during) Marvel's big bankruptcy. Before all the good comics started coming out after X-Men and Spider-Man movies, this was the stuff that pushed the Marvel machine.

Venom: Carnage Unleashed! contains no less than 200 things that are awesome and cheesy and absolutely terrible in a way that makes you feel great. It is a story ludicrously tied in to the video game "Spider-Man: Maximum Carnage" that came out for Genesis and SNES in 1996 in an absurd meta-story where, in the Marvel Universe, Carnage sold the rights to his story to video game producers and the money made goes to the insane asylum that houses him.

A quick aside for the non-comic readers... Everyone knows Spider-Man, and Venom is pretty well known after Spider-Man 3 (though they fucked it up), but Carnage is basically the spawn of Venom. A monsterous alien attached to a ridiculously over-the-top serial killer resulting in a character that has no motive and simply exists to laugh like a maniac and kill. This is completely iconic of what was happening in mainstream superhero comics in the mid-90s. Nonsensical villains that exist simply to be villains. It bears noting that Carnage is my favorite villain ever, partially because I love Mark Bagley's design for the character and partially because of this over-the-top ridiculousness.

Anyway, this is nominally a Venom story and Venom's entire reason d'etre is "evil Spider-Man." But when the character took off in the late 80's/early 90's, Marvel decided to pimp him out in a billion books, all like this one, where he is suddenly a distubred anti-hero who is actually the good guy. He just happens to hate Spider-Man and eat brains sometimes. It's completely ridiculous in every way and the beginning of this story has Eddie Brock, the alter ego of Venom, riding on a bus. That's what you pay good money to see; villains in plain clothes riding the bus. He's sitting next to a character that is almost equally laughable as a non-character that Carnage is... green-haired punk girl! With a guitar!

And he actually tells her that his name is Freddy Block, which is shocking only because Larry Hama, the writer, would have the balls to write something so terrible. (Hama was notoriously prolific and terrible during this period of Marvel).

Even better are the scenes of Carnage - literally, a mass murdering villain of immense power, convicted of murdering dozens of people in cold blood - sitting in his prison cell PLAYING HIS OWN VIDEO GAME ON A COMPUTER THAT IS NETWORKED. I didn't even have a networked computer that could play a game like that in 1996, yet a murderer is allowed to have one in a maximum security mental institution. Sense was not the selling point for this book.

I stopped reading it when Carnage reached through the Internet with his symbiotic alien suit (yes, you are reading this correctly) to murder the CEO of the video game company, who, pages earlier had been cackling in his office about how much money he was making and how much more money he was going to make off of Carnage. His underling even says something to effect of "I love working for you because you are so evil."

Some people go to the bookstore and get like Shakespeare or Dostoevsky or the complete works of Walt Whitman. I bought this and I don't regret it for a second. It is terrible in every great way. And I have only read the first 15 pages.

Also, I started law school and stuff and blah blah blah...

What iTunes Can Really Say About You

I didn't want to make this an ultra-personal blog, but considering I never write in it anyway (i'm busy watching tv and stuff), I'll do just that.

I'm a little anal about my mp3 collection. I've had mp3s for about 10 years (pre Napster! does anyone else remember Scour Media Agent?) and through about 4 hard drives and 3 iPods. I love love love the metadata on each song and how you can track things, and make smart Playlists, and blah blah blah. I go through this kind of shit all the time, fine tuning the data and making new playlists. It's just fun for me.

Anyway, one of the most basic measures of an mp3 collection is the play count. I thought it'd be interesting to take a look at some of my top played songs as of July 4th...

#1 - The Will of One by The Protomen - 44 times

I love this song, but I'm pretty surprised it's the most played in my library. The Protomen are a band dedicated to playing a rock opera about Capcom video game hero, Mega Man. It's a hell of a lot better than that sounds and was my favorite album of 2006. But still... number 1? I would have thought a They Might Be Giants song would be up there...

#2 Ana Ng - They Might Be Giants - 39 times

Yep. That one doesn't surprise me at all. Probably my hands down favorite song of all time.

#3 - Pokemon - TV Theme - 35 times

I could justify this by saying that not only does this song have great music that puts me in a good mood and gets me excited about boring shit or that the cheeseball lyrics make me smile and I know all the words or that I genuinely like Pokemon, but you know what? Go fuck yourself. This is a jam.

#4 - Snakes on a Plane (Bring It) - Cobra Starship - 34 times

Kind of depressing that this is on here really (and I stand by Pokemon still). I listened to it A LOT in 2006 when SoaP was the rage. It's a catchy song but not really worthy of this vaunted spot.

#5 - From the Ritz to the Rubble - Arctic Monkeys - 32 times

Another no-brainer. Love love love this album and this song and Arctic Monkeys in general. They get a lot of backlash considering the considerably gushing praise they got when this album dropped, but they're one of my favorite bands so either accept that or go read some other blog. I am kind of surprised that I bet That You Look Good on the Dance Floor isn't in this spot, but it only pops up at #17, the next highest Monkeys song on my list.

#6 - The Fallen - Franz Ferdinand - 32 times

I don't LOVE Franz Ferdinand. I'm a fan, yeah. When their first album came out, I listened the shit out of it. Then their second one came, the one this song kicks off, and I was largely indifferent. THEN I saw them live and they rocked the shit, particularly this song, which is a most excellent track 1 to a mediocre/good album. Still, I did a play list of songs that I never have skipped (like once it comes on, I listen to it to the end every time) and this was the number one song in terms of play count and least times skipped. Weird.

#7 - Batman: Stage 1 - The Advantage - 30 times

I love Batman, I love Nintendo, I love covers of Nintendo songs. Not a lot of logic to this one. Just a great background tune to any activity.

#8 - Bust A Move - Young MC - 30 times

I also love late 80's and early 90's rap. This is just a damn good song and I am fairly sure I can sing it from start to finish. I think that's why I played it so much. Never know when that will come in handy. Incidentally, this whole album is pretty good.

#9 - Talk to Me - Stephen Lynch - 29 times

A comedic song about masturbation. I just think its catchy. Fun to sing along with in your head when you're walking down the street.

#10 - Tarzan Boy - Baltimora - 28 times

Um. I have no idea. I like this song. Weird that its so high up though.

#11 - This is Halloween - Danny Elfman - 28 times

The opener of The Nightmare Before Christmas, the best musical ever. And I only barely like musicals.

#12/13 - Kickapoo and The Pick of Destiny by Tenacious D - 28 times

Wouldn't make sense if the D didn't pop onto at least the top 15. These are the starting and closing songs respectively of their movie, which was only a decent flick, but had a stellar soundtrack.

#14 - Long Long Way From Home - Foreigner - 27 times

#15 - Nightrain - Guns n Roses - 27 times

Both self explanatory.

Thats all I got. It's late.

I Bet Michael Buffer Is An Ass

This one is for Janelle, my only reader....

I bet Michael Buffer is an asshole.

If you don't know who he is, Buffer is probably the most famous ring announcer of all time. He's the "Let's Get Ready to Ruuuuumble" guy, and I don't know him personally, but I bet he's kind of a jerk. I mean, his entire career IS saying "Let's Get Ready to Ruuuuumble" and he has it trademarked, which means that I might be sued just by saying it on this website.

So he gets famous for the way he says the word "Rumble" and then makes it so that anyone can't say it like he does without paying him money, which is likely hundreds of thousands of dollars. This is the guy that they get for the big important Boxing matches and WWE title fights. Poor Lillian Garcia, the usual ring announcer for the WWE and all around cutie pie, will never get the chance to announce a Wrestlemania title fight, because they will always get Michael Buffer so he can say his stupid catch phrase.

I don't think I had a very funny point to make with all this. It just seems like a guy who trademarks an asinine phrase like "Let's Get Ready to Rumble" and makes it so you can't say it without his permission is probably a bit of a wanker. I mean, Donald Trump tried to trademark "You're Fired!" and Paris Hilton trademarked "That's hot." and that's not exactly the duo to be in league with if you want a favorable public image.

So that's my piece, it took a month to get it out of me. Michael Buffer.... probably an ass.

Who Would Win In A Fight?

An anthropomophized state of Montana or an anthropomorphized state of California? This is just if the two states stood up and started fighting, though be advised that the quality and quantity of residents will be impacting the fight.

Discuss.

Tuesdays Suck

It is well-known, via Garfield comics and the movie "Office Space," that Mondays are no fun. I find this to be not entirely correct. When you get a good night's sleep, had a productive and fun weekend, and the skies are bright and sunny on a crisp Spring Monday morn, the return to the drudgery of life isn't all that bad. No my friends, we need to be wary of Tuesday, the bastard step-child of Monday.

Tuesday is by far the worst day of the week. You see, Monday starts it all off. It's like Track 1 of an album (are the kids still listening to albums these days?). If it's really great, you know this week is gonna kick a little ass. But if it's crap, well, you're gonna have to muddle through Tracks 2 and 3 to find out if this album is a winner or a sinner. Tuesday is like those crucial mid-album tracks and can make or break your week.

Wednesday is hump day. We all know that. You make it to Wednesday and the weekend isn't that far off any more. Thursday has a case of the Tuesdays, because it's not yet Friday but it is over the hump. But Lost is now on on Thursdays so it has an ace in its sleeves. Friday is obviously the best day of the week for many, many reasons.

But Tuesday... or "Bluesday" if you have a case of the "Tuesday Blues" ... sucks. All that Tuesday has going for it is that it is easily rhymed with "Blues" which only works for radio stations that play that sort of music and enjoy slant rhyme or for blogs that no one reads (see: this one.) Tuesday, you suck. If any day of my week could be removed, it's you. You're the appendix of the body that is the week. Completely useless, until you get infected and threaten to kill. Asshole.

If I Were Paul Giamatti's Agent...

Paul,

Great to hear from you the other night! That John Adams mini-series on HBO is really taking off. I saw that the DVD was a hot seller on amazon. Way to go, buddy! I thought I'd catch you in your down time to discuss a few options in your career.

As you probably know already, you've come a long way from Pig Vomit in Howard Stern's Private Parts (and let me tell you, I could tell you some pretty fucked up stories about pig vomit in Howard Stern's private parts... eww...). A leading man! That's what you are now! And you're a little overweight and bald and not that attractive. Good for you, guy!

So you've gone from bit character actor to leading man, but now I think it's time you became the next logical step... franchise hero! Think about it, G-spot! You've had some hits, both critical and commercial. So let's just take a look through the vaults here and come up with some viable sequels to set up some tent poles at the studios. Bear with me!

- Sideways 2: Frontways! - Everyone's favorite schlub and wine snob is back in a new wacky adventure! We're gonna team you and Thomas Hayden Church (Lowell from Wings!!!) again and set you on a heartfelt, but wine-fueled romp, through America's heartland. Now, the first Sideways was a big indie hit and made you an unexpected star. We're going to get rid of all the melodrama and the big fancy dialogue (research shows that most people don't know what a "Pinot" is or why you pernounced Mer Lot as merlow...). Instead, grab your box wine and let's get it started in here!!! We're thinking the two of you team up with a monkey and have to travel from New York to Napa to save Monkey Butt Vineyards from being sold! Along the way you'll meet a cavalcade of characters, each kookier than the last! Think Harold and Kumar for the over 40 crowd. Also thinking of calling it 2ideways! or Step Up 2 the Sideways.

- Lady in the Water 2 - We can't get M. Night Shyamayamyamyamyamlan to come back for the sequel, but it's already in pre-production, so, what the fuck. Let's just do it. The first one... Look I'll level with you Paul. It was crap. A box office bomb, critically panned, and it got M. Night fired from Disney. We wanna put all that behind us and really just focus on what worked in the movie. Do I smell a reboot!!! Oh yes I dooooooo. The new Lady in the Water, possibly called WaterLady, will be a little bit different. Instead of a small motel owner, you're going to be playing a former
Army scientist who was forced to retire for mysterious (read: sexy) reasons. The lady in the water won't be a nart or a foop or whatever the fuck the first one was about, but will be an experiment you worked on gone wrong... and it's out for bloooood. You and the rest of your former science team (Josh Duhamel, Paul Walker, and for comic relief, let's get that guy from Superbad. The fat one) are going to need to take her down for good. This one is fast tracked and will have lots of CGI monsters and robots (yes we are adding robots).

- Paycheck 2 - Again, Paycheck was a big box office bomb and one of the stepping stones to the crumpling of Ben Affleck's career. Do you know why? It's because the writers didn't focus on your wise-cracking buddy mind-eraser character nearly enough. What happens when a mind-eraser gets a taste of his OWN medicine? That's right. Hilarity ensues. No script necessary (just like Paycheck 1) and we start filming on Monday.

- Fred Claus 2: Fred Claws!!! - This time, your jolly old St. Nick portrayal won't be so jolly. We're looking at a Hard R rating for this tale of familial jealousy and violence. Your character, Santa, will be forced to beat his shiftless layabout brother to a bloody pulp in a quest for vengeance and the right to rule the North Pole. We're not really sure who the target audience is for this movie, but don't worry, we didn't know for Fred Claus either.

That's what we have lined up so far, but we can really pick up any dangling plot threads in any of your movies and just run with them. Is that American Splendor guy dead yet? Is there a sequel in that? I didn't see it, was it filled with dick and fart jokes? Can we get Judd Apatow to produce American Spledor 2: Farts and Man Penis? We can certainly try, Paul. We can certainly Try.

Signed, Your agent

Tila Tequila Is Very Obviously a Space Alien

I've never seen "Shot of Love" but I damn well only needed to see her once to realize the show is a scam for Tila Tequila to inseminate her space DNA into the Earth populace. Proof...

Why I Am More Excited For Iron Man Than The Dark Knight

So my loyal readership was shocked that I said I was more excited for Iron Man than I am for The Dark Knight. Here is a not-so brief explanation as to why...

- Iron Man is new - There have been Batman movies for decades now, especially counting the loveable 1960's camp romp with Bat Shark Repellant and other schlocky goodness. Now obviously the quality varies between Tim Burton's excellent 1989 Batman and Joel Schumacher's 1997 Batman's Nipples And Arnold's Ice Puns, but they are all Batman and it's not really something we haven't seen before. I bet that in The Dark Knight, crime strikes Gotham City, Batman has to save a girl/woman/sidekick, and Bruce Wayne will have to juggle with personal problems that may or may not conflict with his Batman life. That's all fine, but you know what it won't have? Flying through the sky with fighter jets. And repulsor rays.

- Batman Begins was overrated - Christopher Nolan is a great director (loved Memento and The Prestige... less so Insomnia, but we'll give him bonus points for the greatness of the first two) and Batman Begins was a great movie. But it was also extremely overrated. The plot becomes incomprehensible and crushed under its own weight by the end (isn't a large chunk of Gotham insane by the end? Didn't Morgan Freeman say it would take weeks to make enough of a cure? Do they not mention this before the final credits? No they do not.). The Scarecrow is completely under-used for such a damned frightening and excellently portrayed character (love that Cillian Murphy) and then at the end, he has a completely retarded fight on a horse (seriously? where they fuck did a horse come from?) and then disappears. No arrest, no "I'll get you for this Batman!" no horrible death, no good. The Katie Holmes character could easily have been completely deleted from the movie; she is worthless as an actress and a character. My final point can have its own bullet....

- Christian Bale... not a great Batman - Look, let me get this straight right away. I love Christian Bale in a very heterosexual and respectful way. Though the movie American Psycho falls way short of the book, it is completely carried by Bale, who is amazing in it. Perfect casting all the way. And as evidenced there, he plays the millionaire playboy very well. He is a great Bruce Wayne. The problem is the almost laughable grunting and deep "Batman voice" he uses when he suits up. Why does he need to change his voice at all? Answer: he does not. The stupidity of his uber deep gravel voice took me out of the movie's world and made me realize I missed Michael Keaton (or hell, even Val Kilmer). Robert Downey Jr. on the other hand? Born to play Tony Stark.

- The Dark Knight uses a lot of stupid viral websites - You know when there's a show or a band you like and it's really great? You love it and it's not super well-known, but then, oh but then, it starts to get some steam and pretty soon it takes off and EVERYONE is thinking it's really great. Then the show or the band changes to accommodate this mainstream success and it's just kind of crappy and you feel dead inside? That's what I think of "viral marketing." Like, 5 years ago, if you were on a site and it was like, "Holy shit! This site is about that awesome movie!" it was a new and unique experience. Now, everything does it. The Dark Knight has about 200 websites all about Harvey Dent and the Joker and blah blah blah blah blah. I barely have the time to write stuff on this, let alone jump from stupid website to website to find a picture of the Joker that SlashFilm will show me, without stupid hoop jumping, the next day. And the idea of Marketing executives sitting around talking about how to set up these sites makes me laugh and also die a little inside. You know what Iron Man did? Release a kick ass trailer. Boom, done. No starkindustries.com or any of that crap. The over-produced "hey this must be cool because it's on the internet" hype machine doesn't do it for me. Kick ass trailer with Black Sabbath does.

- The Dark Knight is Dark! And Edgy! - From the looks of it so far, The Dark Knight is going for a more realistic tone that is very dark. You must have seen pictures of the Joker by now, and I gotta say, it does not do it for me. Yeah, he's a crazy murderer, but did they need to make him look like an alcoholic birthday clown who got mugged? The Joker I know is absolutely insane but has a touch of class and very nearly a method to his madness. Different writers take him in different directions, and I really am not sure of what the final movie will be, but from what I've seen so far I do not like the new Joker. Iron Man just looks like complete popcorn fun. I like coming out of the movie theater excited and feeling like a kid again. Not in a deep cesspool of self-loathing because I could become the Joker given the right circumstances...

- I have faith in Jon Favreau - Jon Favreau is the man. Yes, he is more than a little responsible for the overwhelming amount of Vince Vaughn in your daily life due to their star-making Swingers, but he is the man. He was Gutter in PCU and he was Foggy Nelson in Daredevil. And he directed Elf, which do not lie, warmed your goddamn heart.

None of this was particularly well thought out and I wouldn't be surprised if I changed my mind at the drop of a hat, but... fuck you. Go write your own website if you don't like it.

I Don't Really Like Red Hot Chili Peppers

To be honest, I feel like I'm late to this realization, that a lot of the world made this decision a few years ago, but I am really sick and tired of the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Some history...

In 1993, (I think that's the year, I'm too lazy to fact check any of this...) when Blood Sugar Sex Magik came out, it was a big deal. One of those iconic early 90's albums that I don't think many would argue ranks up there with Nirvana's Nevermind or Pearl Jam's Ten in setting various stages for how music would progress over the course of the decade. Sublimely converging funk, punk, and just all out rock, it was a damn good record. "Under the Bridge" is a damn good song. And they had some wild antics, dancing around on stage naked with tube socks on their wing wangs, and overall were a part of the overall gestalt that was the early 1990's to me.

Then they came out with One Hot Minute in 1995 (again, rough estimate). I remember "Aero Plane" getting decent radio play and I liked it enough. But despite having this album on my iPod for probably the past 4 years, I've never listened to the whole thing in full. I think "My Friends" is on it, and that's my favorite RHCP song, but memory serves me right... the album was a bomb. And not like a Tom Jones "Sex Bomb" either; like an Eddie Murphy's Adventures of Pluto Nash bomb.

Then they did who the fuck knows what and eventually came out with Californication in 2000. While Californication has some good jams, namely the title track and I've always enjoyed "Parallel Universe," and "Road Trippin'," the album suffers under its own popularity. I still turn on the radio and fucking hear "Scar Tissue." As far as overplayed albums go, this one is probably the fucking king (until I think of a better one...). All of its singles, including "Californication" which I go through cycles of love and hate with (loved it when I first heard it, before it was a single, hated it when it hit big, loved it when I learned it on the guitar, hated it when I heard it on the radio for the 700th time...) are still played now, 8 years later, and when they have a new album out.

That brings me to their latest album, which I can't even remember the name of. The one with "Dani California" on it. I hate that song. It sounds exactly like the entire album Californication. And it's a double album. Nothing, and I mean nothing, says "we like to sniff our own farts" more than a double album. Ok, side note, Smashing Pumpkins' Mellan Collie and the Infinite Sadness as well as New Order's Substance are both double albums and are great (though not completely perfect... you can't have 2 hours + of music and expect them all to be hits). So why do I hate on Planet Ardcadium, or what ever this album is called? Because the difference is that those were kind of the iconic albums for the Pumpkins and New Order, this is just a desperate attempt to milk the same cash cow that sold so many copies of Californication from a band whose prime is long past. If you have never heard the Red Hot Chili Peppers, which is probably damn near impossible, listen to Blood Sugar Sex Magik, watch their episode of The Simpsons, and call it a night. Trust me on this one.

The culmination of all of this? Tonight I finally excise my iPod of RHCP for good. I'll keep a couple of choice tracks, but say goodbye to "Around the World." I've always hated you most of all when you came up on random.

NY Comic Con 2008

I went to Comic Con 2008 here in NYC and it was amazing. I don't have much to say about it except that it was awesome, Seth Green is hilarious (and very short) and walks around like a normal person, and next year we're getting the weekend pass because it really is too much for one day. Maybe I'll elaborate tomorrow.

Movies I Have Boners For Volume 1

I am a man who can really get behind a cause, as long as that cause is going to see a fucking kick ass movie. And it usually is in the social circles I entrench myself into. With blockbuster season kicking up soon, here is a short list of movies I have raging mega-huge boners for...

- Forgetting Sarah Marshall - The funny thing is, I have already seen this movie in a test screening. It says a lot that I can't wait to go see it again. Starring my general role model, Jason Segel, this movie has vampire puppets, full frontal man penis, and Kristen Bell having fake orgasms. It is also hilarious. I can't recommend it enough.

- The Forbidden Kingdom - Jet Li and Jackie Chan. Yes they are both a little old now, and I am positive that they said Fearless was Jet Li's last historical epic, but who the hell cares. This comes out the same day as Sarah Marshall. I plan on seeing them both and superkicking any one who tries to defy me.

- Iron Man - I cannot possibly express in words how excited I am for Iron Man. I'll try and do it with a noise. GUUUUUUUAUAAAUAUUAUUARRRRAAAAAYAYYAYAA. Guaranteed to be good. I'm more excited for this than I am for the Dark Knight.

- Speed Racer - I'm going to take ecstasy and a whole bunch of methamphetamines and go see Speed Racer in IMAX. They invented new colors for this movie. This one may have actually traveled back in time from some sort of future where no one has an attention span and CGI has surpassed real actors. I had little to no interest in this movie until I started to get curious from the trailers. Now I am very excited.

I think that's it for April/May. There are probably some more at the end of May, but I'll get to those when the time comes.

I Really Want To Go Into Outer Space

That's it. That's the whole thing. Wouldn't it be really fucking sweet?

If I Was Will Ferrell's Agent...

Dear Will Ferrell,

Hello again William! It's me, your agent! Due to your explosive movie star career, I've lined up the following projects for you. Please bear with me and tell me which ones you would like to pursue...

- A raunchy comedy about badminton players, possibly set in the 70s. You would play John Birdie, a washed-up badminton expert who comes out of retirement for one last game to try and stop an evil washed-up badminton expert who is trying to do something evil, like create a puppy-killing virus. Movie is tentatively titled "Keep Your Eye on the Birdie!" May also be called "Shuttlecocks." There will definitely be shuttlecock related jokes in the final script.

- A raunchy comedy about bowling, possibly set in the 70s. You would play Steve Brunswick, legendary bowling legend and king of the lanes. Your title as king would be thrust into question by an upstart young bowler with questionable moral character, possibly Seth Rogen or Jonah Hill [which one is which?]. You will learn life lessons that tie into bowling and ultimately win the last game by throwing a strike. Could be called "Strike Out," "Gutterballin' " or "Kingpin." Oh, apparently there already was a "Kingpin" movie. Is it calling out for a remake?

- A raunchy comedy about basketball, possibly set in the 70s. Oh. Sorry. This one is already checked off. My bad...

- A raunchy comedy about cricket, possibly set in the 70s, definitely set in Britain. You would play Horton Q. Gingersnap, noted cricket enthusiast and all around likeable ruffian. You will be playing the cricket match of your life against a rival French (Irish? German? Who does England hate these days?) chap who is seeking to do something of questionable moral character, like knock a rec center down or give orphans the HIV virus. We're trying to get that Borat guy to do it, but we'll settle for Vince Vaughn. Looking at calling it "Sticky Wickets," "Jiminy Cricket!" or " 'Ello Guvna!" Not looking to release this in the States, but English investors are looking for a good sports comedy.

- A raunchy comedy about croquet, possibly set in the 1770s, or whenever croquet was fashionable. We have interns researching what croquet actually is, but you will be comically hit with a mallet 4 or 5 times throughout the course of the film. Looking to get Dakota Fanning to co-star as your precocious little niece who comically refers to hitting your balls (your balls will be comically hit 8 or 9 times during the movie). Looking at calling it "Potato Croquet," "Mallet Rats" or just "Will Ferrell's Esoteric Sport Comedy."

We've only scratched the B's and C's here of various sports comedies you've been offered starring roles in. There's still a curling movie, a jai alai movie, and a movie about pole vaulting (Will have lots of cock jokes; greenlight???). Will, you also still have to let me know about which of the 900 CGI animal movies you'd like to be a part of. I always envisioned you as a talking llama or sloth in some kind of jungle adventure where an adorably unique chimpanzee or a muskrat does things his own way and learns a valuable lesson. I can also try and get you cast on that remake of Gilligan's Island. Are you a Skipper or a Gilligan?

No, I'm just kidding, you're already cast as Gilligan.

hugs and kisses,
Agent B. Agentson

PS - Lorne Michaels called. Desperate for new SNL-themed movie. "Harry Caray's Adventures Through Space and Time?" Think about it.

Whatever Happened to Rick Moranis?

I don't have anything funny or deep to accompany that. I just really want to know. I love that guy...

A Conversation Between Me And Carlos Mencia

Me: Joining me here today is "funnyman" Carlos Mencia, star of the hit Comedy Central show "Mind of Mencia." How are you doing today, Carlos?
Mencia: Ohhh man. You know how us beaners are, right? We're always so tired! Beaners are like that and I myself am a beaner.
Me: Well, I can understand you being tired, you're one of the hottest comics in America today.
Mencia: That's because I take people soooo far over the line! You don't even know what it's like! You see, a lot of comedians like to think they're edgy, but really they aren't. Carlos Mencia, that's where the really edgy material is. I take people over the line. I show them the line and then I take them right over it!!
Me: Yes, edgy comedians are all the rage these days. What makes you different from the pack?
Mencia: You don't even know! I tell jokes about things that are real! The war in Iraq? That's real! Send some beaners over there to clean the place up! Beaners like that stuff! Beaners! I have this joke in my act where I talk about pushing this retarded person in a wheelchair. It's funny too because I've never met a retarded person in a wheelchair, but tell people you did and man oh man, they will laugh! They will laugh SO hard, because I am so funny. My mother tells me all the time, "Carlos, you are so funny! "
Me: Your mom calls you Carlos? I thought your real name was Ned?
Mencia: Ned was NOT an edgy name! See, now that I'm Carlos it shows that I know! I know what it's like to be on the edge all the time! I'm out there with all the other beaners, working hard for "da man!"
Me: Well... ok. But isn't it true that 'beaner' is a derrogatory term used largely on the West Coast to make fun of Mexican immigrants? I mean, you seem to associate yourself with them, but... You're from Honduras, originally.
Mencia: I'm fairly certain that Honduras is part of Mexico...
Me: Ned, you've been in some hot water the past few years about stealing jokes from other comedians. Thoughts?
Mencia: Only edgy comedians take jokes from real comedians with talent. That Joe Rogan guy, what did he ever do aside from accuse me of plagiarism?
Me: Well aside from a successful hosting gig on NBC's Fear Factor for many years, he had a role on the show NewsRadio, a stint hosting The Man Show, a successful stand-up tour and at least one hit comedy album. It seems like all you did was crawl into an empty time slot Comedy Central had open when Dave Chapelle decided to leave the network. So they got you, a crappier, much stupider, much more "dumbed down" comedian to fill his place with a show that follows nearly exactly the same format but repeats trite jokes over and over again and never once pushes any legitimate boundaries in what comedy can and cannot do. I'd never even heard of you until that crappy show started airing and I'd wager to say most people still don't know who you are while Dave Chapelle is internationally recognized as a comedic genius.
Mencia: Did you ever notice that beaners REALLY like tacos??
Me: No further questions.