Paul,
Great to hear from you the other night! That John Adams mini-series on HBO is really taking off. I saw that the DVD was a hot seller on amazon. Way to go, buddy! I thought I'd catch you in your down time to discuss a few options in your career.
As you probably know already, you've come a long way from Pig Vomit in Howard Stern's Private Parts (and let me tell you, I could tell you some pretty fucked up stories about pig vomit in Howard Stern's private parts... eww...). A leading man! That's what you are now! And you're a little overweight and bald and not that attractive. Good for you, guy!
So you've gone from bit character actor to leading man, but now I think it's time you became the next logical step... franchise hero! Think about it, G-spot! You've had some hits, both critical and commercial. So let's just take a look through the vaults here and come up with some viable sequels to set up some tent poles at the studios. Bear with me!
- Sideways 2: Frontways! - Everyone's favorite schlub and wine snob is back in a new wacky adventure! We're gonna team you and Thomas Hayden Church (Lowell from Wings!!!) again and set you on a heartfelt, but wine-fueled romp, through America's heartland. Now, the first Sideways was a big indie hit and made you an unexpected star. We're going to get rid of all the melodrama and the big fancy dialogue (research shows that most people don't know what a "Pinot" is or why you pernounced Mer Lot as merlow...). Instead, grab your box wine and let's get it started in here!!! We're thinking the two of you team up with a monkey and have to travel from New York to Napa to save Monkey Butt Vineyards from being sold! Along the way you'll meet a cavalcade of characters, each kookier than the last! Think Harold and Kumar for the over 40 crowd. Also thinking of calling it 2ideways! or Step Up 2 the Sideways.
- Lady in the Water 2 - We can't get M. Night Shyamayamyamyamyamlan to come back for the sequel, but it's already in pre-production, so, what the fuck. Let's just do it. The first one... Look I'll level with you Paul. It was crap. A box office bomb, critically panned, and it got M. Night fired from Disney. We wanna put all that behind us and really just focus on what worked in the movie. Do I smell a reboot!!! Oh yes I dooooooo. The new Lady in the Water, possibly called WaterLady, will be a little bit different. Instead of a small motel owner, you're going to be playing a former
Army scientist who was forced to retire for mysterious (read: sexy) reasons. The lady in the water won't be a nart or a foop or whatever the fuck the first one was about, but will be an experiment you worked on gone wrong... and it's out for bloooood. You and the rest of your former science team (Josh Duhamel, Paul Walker, and for comic relief, let's get that guy from Superbad. The fat one) are going to need to take her down for good. This one is fast tracked and will have lots of CGI monsters and robots (yes we are adding robots).
- Paycheck 2 - Again, Paycheck was a big box office bomb and one of the stepping stones to the crumpling of Ben Affleck's career. Do you know why? It's because the writers didn't focus on your wise-cracking buddy mind-eraser character nearly enough. What happens when a mind-eraser gets a taste of his OWN medicine? That's right. Hilarity ensues. No script necessary (just like Paycheck 1) and we start filming on Monday.
- Fred Claus 2: Fred Claws!!! - This time, your jolly old St. Nick portrayal won't be so jolly. We're looking at a Hard R rating for this tale of familial jealousy and violence. Your character, Santa, will be forced to beat his shiftless layabout brother to a bloody pulp in a quest for vengeance and the right to rule the North Pole. We're not really sure who the target audience is for this movie, but don't worry, we didn't know for Fred Claus either.
That's what we have lined up so far, but we can really pick up any dangling plot threads in any of your movies and just run with them. Is that American Splendor guy dead yet? Is there a sequel in that? I didn't see it, was it filled with dick and fart jokes? Can we get Judd Apatow to produce American Spledor 2: Farts and Man Penis? We can certainly try, Paul. We can certainly Try.
Signed, Your agent
