I Really Want To Go Into Outer Space

That's it. That's the whole thing. Wouldn't it be really fucking sweet?

If I Was Will Ferrell's Agent...

Dear Will Ferrell,

Hello again William! It's me, your agent! Due to your explosive movie star career, I've lined up the following projects for you. Please bear with me and tell me which ones you would like to pursue...

- A raunchy comedy about badminton players, possibly set in the 70s. You would play John Birdie, a washed-up badminton expert who comes out of retirement for one last game to try and stop an evil washed-up badminton expert who is trying to do something evil, like create a puppy-killing virus. Movie is tentatively titled "Keep Your Eye on the Birdie!" May also be called "Shuttlecocks." There will definitely be shuttlecock related jokes in the final script.

- A raunchy comedy about bowling, possibly set in the 70s. You would play Steve Brunswick, legendary bowling legend and king of the lanes. Your title as king would be thrust into question by an upstart young bowler with questionable moral character, possibly Seth Rogen or Jonah Hill [which one is which?]. You will learn life lessons that tie into bowling and ultimately win the last game by throwing a strike. Could be called "Strike Out," "Gutterballin' " or "Kingpin." Oh, apparently there already was a "Kingpin" movie. Is it calling out for a remake?

- A raunchy comedy about basketball, possibly set in the 70s. Oh. Sorry. This one is already checked off. My bad...

- A raunchy comedy about cricket, possibly set in the 70s, definitely set in Britain. You would play Horton Q. Gingersnap, noted cricket enthusiast and all around likeable ruffian. You will be playing the cricket match of your life against a rival French (Irish? German? Who does England hate these days?) chap who is seeking to do something of questionable moral character, like knock a rec center down or give orphans the HIV virus. We're trying to get that Borat guy to do it, but we'll settle for Vince Vaughn. Looking at calling it "Sticky Wickets," "Jiminy Cricket!" or " 'Ello Guvna!" Not looking to release this in the States, but English investors are looking for a good sports comedy.

- A raunchy comedy about croquet, possibly set in the 1770s, or whenever croquet was fashionable. We have interns researching what croquet actually is, but you will be comically hit with a mallet 4 or 5 times throughout the course of the film. Looking to get Dakota Fanning to co-star as your precocious little niece who comically refers to hitting your balls (your balls will be comically hit 8 or 9 times during the movie). Looking at calling it "Potato Croquet," "Mallet Rats" or just "Will Ferrell's Esoteric Sport Comedy."

We've only scratched the B's and C's here of various sports comedies you've been offered starring roles in. There's still a curling movie, a jai alai movie, and a movie about pole vaulting (Will have lots of cock jokes; greenlight???). Will, you also still have to let me know about which of the 900 CGI animal movies you'd like to be a part of. I always envisioned you as a talking llama or sloth in some kind of jungle adventure where an adorably unique chimpanzee or a muskrat does things his own way and learns a valuable lesson. I can also try and get you cast on that remake of Gilligan's Island. Are you a Skipper or a Gilligan?

No, I'm just kidding, you're already cast as Gilligan.

hugs and kisses,
Agent B. Agentson

PS - Lorne Michaels called. Desperate for new SNL-themed movie. "Harry Caray's Adventures Through Space and Time?" Think about it.

Whatever Happened to Rick Moranis?

I don't have anything funny or deep to accompany that. I just really want to know. I love that guy...

A Conversation Between Me And Carlos Mencia

Me: Joining me here today is "funnyman" Carlos Mencia, star of the hit Comedy Central show "Mind of Mencia." How are you doing today, Carlos?
Mencia: Ohhh man. You know how us beaners are, right? We're always so tired! Beaners are like that and I myself am a beaner.
Me: Well, I can understand you being tired, you're one of the hottest comics in America today.
Mencia: That's because I take people soooo far over the line! You don't even know what it's like! You see, a lot of comedians like to think they're edgy, but really they aren't. Carlos Mencia, that's where the really edgy material is. I take people over the line. I show them the line and then I take them right over it!!
Me: Yes, edgy comedians are all the rage these days. What makes you different from the pack?
Mencia: You don't even know! I tell jokes about things that are real! The war in Iraq? That's real! Send some beaners over there to clean the place up! Beaners like that stuff! Beaners! I have this joke in my act where I talk about pushing this retarded person in a wheelchair. It's funny too because I've never met a retarded person in a wheelchair, but tell people you did and man oh man, they will laugh! They will laugh SO hard, because I am so funny. My mother tells me all the time, "Carlos, you are so funny! "
Me: Your mom calls you Carlos? I thought your real name was Ned?
Mencia: Ned was NOT an edgy name! See, now that I'm Carlos it shows that I know! I know what it's like to be on the edge all the time! I'm out there with all the other beaners, working hard for "da man!"
Me: Well... ok. But isn't it true that 'beaner' is a derrogatory term used largely on the West Coast to make fun of Mexican immigrants? I mean, you seem to associate yourself with them, but... You're from Honduras, originally.
Mencia: I'm fairly certain that Honduras is part of Mexico...
Me: Ned, you've been in some hot water the past few years about stealing jokes from other comedians. Thoughts?
Mencia: Only edgy comedians take jokes from real comedians with talent. That Joe Rogan guy, what did he ever do aside from accuse me of plagiarism?
Me: Well aside from a successful hosting gig on NBC's Fear Factor for many years, he had a role on the show NewsRadio, a stint hosting The Man Show, a successful stand-up tour and at least one hit comedy album. It seems like all you did was crawl into an empty time slot Comedy Central had open when Dave Chapelle decided to leave the network. So they got you, a crappier, much stupider, much more "dumbed down" comedian to fill his place with a show that follows nearly exactly the same format but repeats trite jokes over and over again and never once pushes any legitimate boundaries in what comedy can and cannot do. I'd never even heard of you until that crappy show started airing and I'd wager to say most people still don't know who you are while Dave Chapelle is internationally recognized as a comedic genius.
Mencia: Did you ever notice that beaners REALLY like tacos??
Me: No further questions.

America Needs More Wolverine!

Note: This article originally appeared on my old website, planetexplosivo.com, which no longer exists. For posterity's sake, this and many other articles from that site will be reposted here. This particular article was written in May 2006 and has not been changed or edited since.

Wouldn't you say that there isn't enough Wolverine in your day to day life? I sure would. He's in six monthly comics, big budget movies and Saturday morning TV, but why stop there? More I say, MORE!

Ladies and gentlemen of the Internetly world, I come before you with an urgent plea. We as a society, as a culture, as a brotherhood of human beings, we fucking need some more Wolverine in our lives.

I'm just going to lay it right out on the table. Wolverine is the most under-exposed and poorly used character in all of the mass media today. Two animated series, with a third to be coming out next year, a trilogy of movies and a solo movie in production… Paltry! He only appears in six monthly comic books for God's sakes! ONLY SIX! How do you expect anyone to become familiar with a character when he's only in six books? In any given week it's likely that only two, maybe three, of those books are coming out. And of those six, only two have Wolverine's name in the title. Who does Marvel think this guy is, some crappy C-List character like Speedball? Where's the love?

So am I just another Wolverine naysayer, who recognizes the massive under-exposure problem, but offers no viable solutions for how we as Americans can rectify it? Absolutely not, dear reader! You should know me better than that. I have come up with the right solutions we need to bring Wolverine to the forefront of our lives, where he rightfully belongs.

First, he must appear in every comic book from now on. Every one, not just the ones published by Marvel, regardless of whether it makes sense to the plot or not. Plots should bend to Wolverine's adamantium claws, not the other way around. It should also go without saying that all the books should be renamed to accurately reflect the level of Wolverine involvement. For example, one prominent book currently featuring Wolverine is Marvel's top-selling "New Avengers." I propose a very simple change in the title to "New Wolverine" and have already reproduced what the first issue would look like.

Even the Distinguished Competition of Marvel could use a lethal injection of Wolverine. The barely readable "All Star Batman and Robin the Boy Wonder" becomes blissful entertainment when you add a Canadian with claws and call it "All Star Batman Wolverine." I mean, look at it! Wolverine can't fly, but there he is, floating above Gotham City. He truly is amazing.

And what self respecting parent wouldn't want their child to live in fear of the powerful, unstoppable, Wolverine? It sure would be great discipline if kids knew that their beloved cartoon heroes were hunted down and slaughtered by Wolverine as a direct result of their insatiable avarice and greed. Tell me this one wouldn't fly off shelves. It's a public service is what it is.

A quick poll of school children reveals that only 90% of them are familiar with the character of Wolverine and their understanding of his origins, powers, and attitude are horribly skewed.
What with the comic book Wolverine, the movie Wolverine, and the multiple animated series Wolverines, there's simply too much overlap and confusion about the character. His backstory is very convoluted and involved. It would take years of schooling to get down the intricacies of Wolverine's character, so that's exactly what we're going to do. It's the three R's and the big W revolutionizing American education.

You know, we could raise national and international awareness of Wolverine if our troops carried his message to all the countries our military routinely visits. We can be emissaries for Wolverine's message of brutality, honor, and stabbing things. A simple redesign of our already tired stars and stripes flag could help bolster Wolverine's image. I like this one because it looks like he's hiding behind the red stripes. And you don't want Wolverine to be hiding cause then you're probably already dead.

Of course, Wolverine is actually Canadian and not even cleared for work in America. Given the recent immigration troubles we've been having, I propose we give Wolverine a break, and simply invade Canada, and integrate it into our country thus making it completely legal for him to hunt and kill criminals from sea to shining sea, and all the way up the Rockies. The country would also have to be renamed.

Still it isn't enough. I know it's drastic, but we must ensure that Wolverine has 100% recognizability throughout the world, and possibly throughout the universe. To this end, I propose that we use our high falutin' military technology, lasers and what have you, to super impose Wolverine's snarling visage onto America's moon.

Think of it, a starry night, you and your sweetheart laying in the grass looking up to the sky. You look to the full moon and you're immediately struck with a thought. Remember that time Magneto pulled out Wolverine's skeleton through his skin? Man, was he mad after that one!

Finally, once we have the ability to terraform planets to our own design, I think it would only be fitting to bestow Wolverine's name upon the most terrific planet in our solar system, Jupiter. Yes, renaming Jupiter to Wolverine will send a message to our interstellar comrades. We do not fuck around in the Milky Way, and we are fucking protected by a planet-sized Wolverine. We'll use our future terraformation technology to restructure the atmosphere of Jupiter to coincide with the immediately recognized blue and yellow color scheme Wolverine adopted in the early 90's. Better give the planet some claws too, just in case it ever has to slice Saturn open. I just don't trust them with those rings….

Zangief: A Rope of Sand

Note: This article originally appeared on my old website, planetexplosivo.com, which no longer exists. For posterity's sake, this and many other articles from that site will be reposted here. This particular article was written in October 2005 and has not been changed or edited since, which is unfortunate, because I don't think it holds up very well over time. Had to bring this one back by popular demand though... Namely Zangief's.

OK, this one's a little different. I'd like you all to meet one of my friends. A rather unique one at that. I can't do him too much justice here, so read the full article. But I warn you; it's a bit in your face, like the man hisself. Or "Yo, MTV Raps!"

This article is going to be a little bit different than the usual Planet eXplosivo fare. Over the months this site has been up, we’ve looked at video games, a TV show based on a video game, and the new Star Wars movie. [2008 note: none of those articles are on here as of this posting, but they will be soon, except the Star Wars one. Don't worry, you won't miss it that much] OK, so we haven’t looked at all that much because of the lazy jackass who writes this crap… BUT! Today, we’re doing something different. We aren’t looking at how weird of a game “Anticipation!” for Nintendo was (though it was and I highly recommend you play it). No friends, today we’re going to meet someone. A strange, some might even say bizarre, individual who is a good friend of mine and would like to be a good friend of yours. I urge everyone to please be brave, prepare to be somewhat disgusted, and get ready for Zangief.

[NOTE: Due to the alarming amount of racism found herein, all instances of a particular ‘n-word’ ethnic slur has been replaced, by science, to be read as characters from popular 80’s cartoon show “He-Man and the Masters of the Universe.”]

"Come drink with me."

Let me give you some background on this enigmatic character, who stalks a certain college campus in Ithaca, and on how he and I became acquainted. In a fraternity, we pull in a pledge class of new members each spring. One of my good friends, Black-Out Baum, had met this brash and bright-eyed youth, who would soon be reborn as the man-monster Zangief. Whereas he may have been part human before, Zangief is all animal and quite likely part zombie.

Here we see Zangief give his former roommate a big hug

Zangief, as most patrons of this site should know, is the namesake of the hairy Russian wrestler in arcade legend “Street Fighter II.” Well, being a hairy Russian, he was given the pledge name of Zangief on his first night in our fraternity and such he has been ever since. In fact, no one remembered his birth name until this article’s publication. Even him. He takes on some of the less charming qualities of his video game equivalent. He sure is Russian, he sure is big, hairy, and sweaty, and he will pile drive anything that breathes, given a chance. But it’s not how like the “real Zangief” he is that makes our Zangief so remarkable. It’s his delightful way with people. What follows are real stories, real quotes, and actual photographs of Zangief in action. It’s all true except for the stuff that I made up.

Put it back on. Please?

One of my personal favorite Zangief quotes was “Get your pick axes, we’re going to have a brain feast.” What did this stalwart young Russian mean when he encouraged myself and others to bear up arms and devour the flesh of the living? I maintain that Zangief is a zombie, a cannibal, or a zombie-cannibal that rises from the grave each night to consume the gooey innards of your skull. He also likes the fat bitches.

Splinter Cell Zangief. Not on Halloween

I’ve seen the bastard sit in his room for days on end playing “Splinter Cell” or “Jade Empire.” Speaking of his room, Zangief has taped his curtains down so that no natural light may penetrate his giant purple room. When questioned about this, Zangief simply said, “I don’t need any fucking “HE-MAN” light. Fucking waking you up in the morning, like a goddamned “BEAST MAN” .” He then finished off his glass of whiskey, pounding it down, and forced me to take shots with him. I awoke in a pool of what I hope was my own vomit several hours later. He was right; it was great to not have that light pour in each morning.

Kicked in the balls by a muppet...

Zangief is also very strong. He goes to the gym, unveils his excessively hairy body, and bench presses members of the math team. After he’s done, he funnels a 40 and punches through the wall. Swearing in Russian and clutching his fist, he’ll be so angry that he headbutts the wall and stumbles about with blood in his eyes, before finally passing out and awaking to play “Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic.” “You gotta come hard or go home,” Zangief says. “It’s like a party. You can either be alone and drunk all night or you can get shit-faced and fuck a really nasty whore.”

Yep. Stepping on a chick

Ask anyone close to Zangief about his hobbies, and they all say the same thing: drinking. If competitive drinking was a sport, Zangief would be dead. Long dead. “Who doesn’t like fine spirits?” said Zangief. “I’ll tell you who. Fucking “SKELETOR” s!” His liver is either extremely weak or extremely strong due to the phenomenal amount of alcohol it must process on a daily basis. I asked Zangief where he thinks he gets his love of alcohol. He had this to say: “When I was eight, my dad sat me down. He said, ‘Elia, live your life like a hurricane. Destroy as much as possible, be full of hot air, and always spin counter-clockwise.’ Then he gave me a bottle of Jack and I blacked out for the first time.”

But certainly not the last! Whether it be passing out in the hallway and constructing a Fortress of Solitude, tackling and choking unsuspecting bystanders, or stealing anything not bolted down from absolutely anywhere, it’s a guaranteed good-time when this roustabout gets tipsy. “YOU FUCKING “ORKO” -STEINS!” Zangief exclaimed. “I’LL FUCK YOUR SISTER AND YOUR MOTHER AND THEN SHIT ON YOUR FACE!” Zangief is also a devout member of the Jewish faith.

I asked Zangief if he had any words of advice for any potential readers out there who may not have had the pleasure of meeting him in person. “Get out of my room you fucking “SHE-RA.” I swear I’ll kill you and your stupid website. I’ll kill it until you die. [Bottles smashing; bloodcurdling screams] Never shop at Circuit City.” Truer words were never spoken.

The next morning, when asked if he had any parting words, Zangief had this to say: “Quoting yourself makes you seem educated and well respected by others. Oh, and of course, Jersey rules!” It won’t and Jersey certainly doesn’t.

Words do nothing.

Zangief appears frequently in my nightmares and even more frequently in the gutter on the streets outside of the Collegetown bars. To schedule a meeting with him e-mail me.

My Rules for Living - #1 - Just Move

This is the first in a series of posts that will examine the in's and out's of how I live my life, and how you, and other common American citizenry should live yours. I expect there to be 10, since ten is the arbitrary number for most lists and digits in sets of hands or feet. Still, I will go on ad infinitum as needed since this is my damn website and I will do what I please.

Rule #1: "Just Move"

Or as it is most days, "Fucking move!" Look, I live in New York City. I work in Rockefeller Center. There's a lot of goddamn people going about their business every which way here. Especially at Rock Center around Christmas time, or in godforsaken Times Square all of the time, there's a lot of commotion on the sidewalks. I've got long legs and I like to move fast. I don't like just standing around and I especially do not like walking behind human dump trucks who stop every sixteen inches to take a different look at the same buildings. This includes both tourists and fat locals.

It's really simple. On public walkways, just keep walking. Don't stop, for any reason, ever. Your son or daughter has gone missing? Just keep walking. Your having a baby? Just keep walking. You don't have legs or feet? Just keep rolling and/or scraping along. Or at least just sidestep like, 2 feet. Are you so oblivious to the world that you don't realize the throngs of yearning masses walking behind you?

This rule is most needed for people who decide to just stop walking completely and, of course, you crash right into them. The best comes when this rocket scientist says "Hey watch where you're going!" in a snooty voice. No asshole, you are the one at fault here, not me. People like this should be shot in the face.

Related to the concept of "Fucking move," is "fucking get out of my way!" This rule is most needed when people are already situated on a sidewalk, just standing there, not really doing much of anything, and the stream of traffic has to part to go around them. I like to pretend to be blind and just plow straight into them full force. That teaches them. Don't even get me started on blind people...

Thus ends our first rule. Don't stop moving. Ever. Just. Fucking. Go.

Welcome to the Sexatorium!

My incoherent babbling has gone un-vented for far too long. I'm back. I refuse to use the word blog however, so "sexatorium" will replace that word from here on out.

Sample dialogue from "Juno" as it would be told in my sexatorium:

Juno: Blippity bloppity, home slicer.
Stupid Friend: Swear to sexatorium, Juno!