This is the first in a series of posts that will examine the in's and out's of how I live my life, and how you, and other common American citizenry should live yours. I expect there to be 10, since ten is the arbitrary number for most lists and digits in sets of hands or feet. Still, I will go on ad infinitum as needed since this is my damn website and I will do what I please.
Rule #1: "Just Move"
Or as it is most days, "Fucking move!" Look, I live in New York City. I work in Rockefeller Center. There's a lot of goddamn people going about their business every which way here. Especially at Rock Center around Christmas time, or in godforsaken Times Square all of the time, there's a lot of commotion on the sidewalks. I've got long legs and I like to move fast. I don't like just standing around and I especially do not like walking behind human dump trucks who stop every sixteen inches to take a different look at the same buildings. This includes both tourists and fat locals.
It's really simple. On public walkways, just keep walking. Don't stop, for any reason, ever. Your son or daughter has gone missing? Just keep walking. Your having a baby? Just keep walking. You don't have legs or feet? Just keep rolling and/or scraping along. Or at least just sidestep like, 2 feet. Are you so oblivious to the world that you don't realize the throngs of yearning masses walking behind you?
This rule is most needed for people who decide to just stop walking completely and, of course, you crash right into them. The best comes when this rocket scientist says "Hey watch where you're going!" in a snooty voice. No asshole, you are the one at fault here, not me. People like this should be shot in the face.
Related to the concept of "Fucking move," is "fucking get out of my way!" This rule is most needed when people are already situated on a sidewalk, just standing there, not really doing much of anything, and the stream of traffic has to part to go around them. I like to pretend to be blind and just plow straight into them full force. That teaches them. Don't even get me started on blind people...
Thus ends our first rule. Don't stop moving. Ever. Just. Fucking. Go.
