America Needs More Wolverine!

Note: This article originally appeared on my old website, planetexplosivo.com, which no longer exists. For posterity's sake, this and many other articles from that site will be reposted here. This particular article was written in May 2006 and has not been changed or edited since.

Wouldn't you say that there isn't enough Wolverine in your day to day life? I sure would. He's in six monthly comics, big budget movies and Saturday morning TV, but why stop there? More I say, MORE!

Ladies and gentlemen of the Internetly world, I come before you with an urgent plea. We as a society, as a culture, as a brotherhood of human beings, we fucking need some more Wolverine in our lives.

I'm just going to lay it right out on the table. Wolverine is the most under-exposed and poorly used character in all of the mass media today. Two animated series, with a third to be coming out next year, a trilogy of movies and a solo movie in production… Paltry! He only appears in six monthly comic books for God's sakes! ONLY SIX! How do you expect anyone to become familiar with a character when he's only in six books? In any given week it's likely that only two, maybe three, of those books are coming out. And of those six, only two have Wolverine's name in the title. Who does Marvel think this guy is, some crappy C-List character like Speedball? Where's the love?

So am I just another Wolverine naysayer, who recognizes the massive under-exposure problem, but offers no viable solutions for how we as Americans can rectify it? Absolutely not, dear reader! You should know me better than that. I have come up with the right solutions we need to bring Wolverine to the forefront of our lives, where he rightfully belongs.

First, he must appear in every comic book from now on. Every one, not just the ones published by Marvel, regardless of whether it makes sense to the plot or not. Plots should bend to Wolverine's adamantium claws, not the other way around. It should also go without saying that all the books should be renamed to accurately reflect the level of Wolverine involvement. For example, one prominent book currently featuring Wolverine is Marvel's top-selling "New Avengers." I propose a very simple change in the title to "New Wolverine" and have already reproduced what the first issue would look like.

Even the Distinguished Competition of Marvel could use a lethal injection of Wolverine. The barely readable "All Star Batman and Robin the Boy Wonder" becomes blissful entertainment when you add a Canadian with claws and call it "All Star Batman Wolverine." I mean, look at it! Wolverine can't fly, but there he is, floating above Gotham City. He truly is amazing.

And what self respecting parent wouldn't want their child to live in fear of the powerful, unstoppable, Wolverine? It sure would be great discipline if kids knew that their beloved cartoon heroes were hunted down and slaughtered by Wolverine as a direct result of their insatiable avarice and greed. Tell me this one wouldn't fly off shelves. It's a public service is what it is.

A quick poll of school children reveals that only 90% of them are familiar with the character of Wolverine and their understanding of his origins, powers, and attitude are horribly skewed.
What with the comic book Wolverine, the movie Wolverine, and the multiple animated series Wolverines, there's simply too much overlap and confusion about the character. His backstory is very convoluted and involved. It would take years of schooling to get down the intricacies of Wolverine's character, so that's exactly what we're going to do. It's the three R's and the big W revolutionizing American education.

You know, we could raise national and international awareness of Wolverine if our troops carried his message to all the countries our military routinely visits. We can be emissaries for Wolverine's message of brutality, honor, and stabbing things. A simple redesign of our already tired stars and stripes flag could help bolster Wolverine's image. I like this one because it looks like he's hiding behind the red stripes. And you don't want Wolverine to be hiding cause then you're probably already dead.

Of course, Wolverine is actually Canadian and not even cleared for work in America. Given the recent immigration troubles we've been having, I propose we give Wolverine a break, and simply invade Canada, and integrate it into our country thus making it completely legal for him to hunt and kill criminals from sea to shining sea, and all the way up the Rockies. The country would also have to be renamed.

Still it isn't enough. I know it's drastic, but we must ensure that Wolverine has 100% recognizability throughout the world, and possibly throughout the universe. To this end, I propose that we use our high falutin' military technology, lasers and what have you, to super impose Wolverine's snarling visage onto America's moon.

Think of it, a starry night, you and your sweetheart laying in the grass looking up to the sky. You look to the full moon and you're immediately struck with a thought. Remember that time Magneto pulled out Wolverine's skeleton through his skin? Man, was he mad after that one!

Finally, once we have the ability to terraform planets to our own design, I think it would only be fitting to bestow Wolverine's name upon the most terrific planet in our solar system, Jupiter. Yes, renaming Jupiter to Wolverine will send a message to our interstellar comrades. We do not fuck around in the Milky Way, and we are fucking protected by a planet-sized Wolverine. We'll use our future terraformation technology to restructure the atmosphere of Jupiter to coincide with the immediately recognized blue and yellow color scheme Wolverine adopted in the early 90's. Better give the planet some claws too, just in case it ever has to slice Saturn open. I just don't trust them with those rings….