I just started watching Darkman instead of doing any sort of homework and I don't regret it for a second.

That kind of sums up what I want to say right there, but man! I'm only 15 minutes in to Darkman and I am LOVING it!

Darkman, if you forgot or never knew, was a 1990 movie starring Liam Neeson as a scientist who invents "liquid skin." When he is traumatized and disfigured by gangsters, he uses the synthetic skin to become a man of a thousand faces and fights the gangster who ruined his life. I remember my brother liking this movie, and I definitely remember seeing it way way back probably when I was 6 years old. And I remember the Darkman NES game which was exceedingly difficult. But anyway...

The major point I want to hit is that Sam Raimi directed Darkman. Sam Raimi should be a pretty familiar name for two things, Evil Dead (all of them) and Spider-Man (all of them, even 3). Also, I did not know that Danny Elfman did the music for Darkman, so that's another sweet bonus. (Also apparently Frances McDormand is in it, long before anyone knew who she was, and six years before Fargo. Raimi is friends with Fargo directors, the Coen Brothers, one of whom is married to McDormand. Speaking of the Coen Brothers, Barton Fink is another great movie from this same time period that couldn't be more different than Darkman but is still great.)

I've lost track of myself.... Ah yes, if you like Spider-Man's action and awesomeness, but not the mopey Peter scenes or having to look at Kirsten Dunst's fug-face, you should go watch Darkman! Or watch it again, since I haven't seen it in about 16 or 17 years and I'm digging it all a-new. And it has Liam Neeson in it! Liam Neeson is a known "awesome guy" and I can guarantee you Darkman is better than Schindler's List, which I have never seen.

Ok maybe not "better" but more fun, for sure.

If I Were Paul Giamatti's Agent...

Paul,

Great to hear from you the other night! That John Adams mini-series on HBO is really taking off. I saw that the DVD was a hot seller on amazon. Way to go, buddy! I thought I'd catch you in your down time to discuss a few options in your career.

As you probably know already, you've come a long way from Pig Vomit in Howard Stern's Private Parts (and let me tell you, I could tell you some pretty fucked up stories about pig vomit in Howard Stern's private parts... eww...). A leading man! That's what you are now! And you're a little overweight and bald and not that attractive. Good for you, guy!

So you've gone from bit character actor to leading man, but now I think it's time you became the next logical step... franchise hero! Think about it, G-spot! You've had some hits, both critical and commercial. So let's just take a look through the vaults here and come up with some viable sequels to set up some tent poles at the studios. Bear with me!

- Sideways 2: Frontways! - Everyone's favorite schlub and wine snob is back in a new wacky adventure! We're gonna team you and Thomas Hayden Church (Lowell from Wings!!!) again and set you on a heartfelt, but wine-fueled romp, through America's heartland. Now, the first Sideways was a big indie hit and made you an unexpected star. We're going to get rid of all the melodrama and the big fancy dialogue (research shows that most people don't know what a "Pinot" is or why you pernounced Mer Lot as merlow...). Instead, grab your box wine and let's get it started in here!!! We're thinking the two of you team up with a monkey and have to travel from New York to Napa to save Monkey Butt Vineyards from being sold! Along the way you'll meet a cavalcade of characters, each kookier than the last! Think Harold and Kumar for the over 40 crowd. Also thinking of calling it 2ideways! or Step Up 2 the Sideways.

- Lady in the Water 2 - We can't get M. Night Shyamayamyamyamyamlan to come back for the sequel, but it's already in pre-production, so, what the fuck. Let's just do it. The first one... Look I'll level with you Paul. It was crap. A box office bomb, critically panned, and it got M. Night fired from Disney. We wanna put all that behind us and really just focus on what worked in the movie. Do I smell a reboot!!! Oh yes I dooooooo. The new Lady in the Water, possibly called WaterLady, will be a little bit different. Instead of a small motel owner, you're going to be playing a former
Army scientist who was forced to retire for mysterious (read: sexy) reasons. The lady in the water won't be a nart or a foop or whatever the fuck the first one was about, but will be an experiment you worked on gone wrong... and it's out for bloooood. You and the rest of your former science team (Josh Duhamel, Paul Walker, and for comic relief, let's get that guy from Superbad. The fat one) are going to need to take her down for good. This one is fast tracked and will have lots of CGI monsters and robots (yes we are adding robots).

- Paycheck 2 - Again, Paycheck was a big box office bomb and one of the stepping stones to the crumpling of Ben Affleck's career. Do you know why? It's because the writers didn't focus on your wise-cracking buddy mind-eraser character nearly enough. What happens when a mind-eraser gets a taste of his OWN medicine? That's right. Hilarity ensues. No script necessary (just like Paycheck 1) and we start filming on Monday.

- Fred Claus 2: Fred Claws!!! - This time, your jolly old St. Nick portrayal won't be so jolly. We're looking at a Hard R rating for this tale of familial jealousy and violence. Your character, Santa, will be forced to beat his shiftless layabout brother to a bloody pulp in a quest for vengeance and the right to rule the North Pole. We're not really sure who the target audience is for this movie, but don't worry, we didn't know for Fred Claus either.

That's what we have lined up so far, but we can really pick up any dangling plot threads in any of your movies and just run with them. Is that American Splendor guy dead yet? Is there a sequel in that? I didn't see it, was it filled with dick and fart jokes? Can we get Judd Apatow to produce American Spledor 2: Farts and Man Penis? We can certainly try, Paul. We can certainly Try.

Signed, Your agent

Why I Am More Excited For Iron Man Than The Dark Knight

So my loyal readership was shocked that I said I was more excited for Iron Man than I am for The Dark Knight. Here is a not-so brief explanation as to why...

- Iron Man is new - There have been Batman movies for decades now, especially counting the loveable 1960's camp romp with Bat Shark Repellant and other schlocky goodness. Now obviously the quality varies between Tim Burton's excellent 1989 Batman and Joel Schumacher's 1997 Batman's Nipples And Arnold's Ice Puns, but they are all Batman and it's not really something we haven't seen before. I bet that in The Dark Knight, crime strikes Gotham City, Batman has to save a girl/woman/sidekick, and Bruce Wayne will have to juggle with personal problems that may or may not conflict with his Batman life. That's all fine, but you know what it won't have? Flying through the sky with fighter jets. And repulsor rays.

- Batman Begins was overrated - Christopher Nolan is a great director (loved Memento and The Prestige... less so Insomnia, but we'll give him bonus points for the greatness of the first two) and Batman Begins was a great movie. But it was also extremely overrated. The plot becomes incomprehensible and crushed under its own weight by the end (isn't a large chunk of Gotham insane by the end? Didn't Morgan Freeman say it would take weeks to make enough of a cure? Do they not mention this before the final credits? No they do not.). The Scarecrow is completely under-used for such a damned frightening and excellently portrayed character (love that Cillian Murphy) and then at the end, he has a completely retarded fight on a horse (seriously? where they fuck did a horse come from?) and then disappears. No arrest, no "I'll get you for this Batman!" no horrible death, no good. The Katie Holmes character could easily have been completely deleted from the movie; she is worthless as an actress and a character. My final point can have its own bullet....

- Christian Bale... not a great Batman - Look, let me get this straight right away. I love Christian Bale in a very heterosexual and respectful way. Though the movie American Psycho falls way short of the book, it is completely carried by Bale, who is amazing in it. Perfect casting all the way. And as evidenced there, he plays the millionaire playboy very well. He is a great Bruce Wayne. The problem is the almost laughable grunting and deep "Batman voice" he uses when he suits up. Why does he need to change his voice at all? Answer: he does not. The stupidity of his uber deep gravel voice took me out of the movie's world and made me realize I missed Michael Keaton (or hell, even Val Kilmer). Robert Downey Jr. on the other hand? Born to play Tony Stark.

- The Dark Knight uses a lot of stupid viral websites - You know when there's a show or a band you like and it's really great? You love it and it's not super well-known, but then, oh but then, it starts to get some steam and pretty soon it takes off and EVERYONE is thinking it's really great. Then the show or the band changes to accommodate this mainstream success and it's just kind of crappy and you feel dead inside? That's what I think of "viral marketing." Like, 5 years ago, if you were on a site and it was like, "Holy shit! This site is about that awesome movie!" it was a new and unique experience. Now, everything does it. The Dark Knight has about 200 websites all about Harvey Dent and the Joker and blah blah blah blah blah. I barely have the time to write stuff on this, let alone jump from stupid website to website to find a picture of the Joker that SlashFilm will show me, without stupid hoop jumping, the next day. And the idea of Marketing executives sitting around talking about how to set up these sites makes me laugh and also die a little inside. You know what Iron Man did? Release a kick ass trailer. Boom, done. No starkindustries.com or any of that crap. The over-produced "hey this must be cool because it's on the internet" hype machine doesn't do it for me. Kick ass trailer with Black Sabbath does.

- The Dark Knight is Dark! And Edgy! - From the looks of it so far, The Dark Knight is going for a more realistic tone that is very dark. You must have seen pictures of the Joker by now, and I gotta say, it does not do it for me. Yeah, he's a crazy murderer, but did they need to make him look like an alcoholic birthday clown who got mugged? The Joker I know is absolutely insane but has a touch of class and very nearly a method to his madness. Different writers take him in different directions, and I really am not sure of what the final movie will be, but from what I've seen so far I do not like the new Joker. Iron Man just looks like complete popcorn fun. I like coming out of the movie theater excited and feeling like a kid again. Not in a deep cesspool of self-loathing because I could become the Joker given the right circumstances...

- I have faith in Jon Favreau - Jon Favreau is the man. Yes, he is more than a little responsible for the overwhelming amount of Vince Vaughn in your daily life due to their star-making Swingers, but he is the man. He was Gutter in PCU and he was Foggy Nelson in Daredevil. And he directed Elf, which do not lie, warmed your goddamn heart.

None of this was particularly well thought out and I wouldn't be surprised if I changed my mind at the drop of a hat, but... fuck you. Go write your own website if you don't like it.

Movies I Have Boners For Volume 1

I am a man who can really get behind a cause, as long as that cause is going to see a fucking kick ass movie. And it usually is in the social circles I entrench myself into. With blockbuster season kicking up soon, here is a short list of movies I have raging mega-huge boners for...

- Forgetting Sarah Marshall - The funny thing is, I have already seen this movie in a test screening. It says a lot that I can't wait to go see it again. Starring my general role model, Jason Segel, this movie has vampire puppets, full frontal man penis, and Kristen Bell having fake orgasms. It is also hilarious. I can't recommend it enough.

- The Forbidden Kingdom - Jet Li and Jackie Chan. Yes they are both a little old now, and I am positive that they said Fearless was Jet Li's last historical epic, but who the hell cares. This comes out the same day as Sarah Marshall. I plan on seeing them both and superkicking any one who tries to defy me.

- Iron Man - I cannot possibly express in words how excited I am for Iron Man. I'll try and do it with a noise. GUUUUUUUAUAAAUAUUAUUARRRRAAAAAYAYYAYAA. Guaranteed to be good. I'm more excited for this than I am for the Dark Knight.

- Speed Racer - I'm going to take ecstasy and a whole bunch of methamphetamines and go see Speed Racer in IMAX. They invented new colors for this movie. This one may have actually traveled back in time from some sort of future where no one has an attention span and CGI has surpassed real actors. I had little to no interest in this movie until I started to get curious from the trailers. Now I am very excited.

I think that's it for April/May. There are probably some more at the end of May, but I'll get to those when the time comes.

If I Was Will Ferrell's Agent...

Dear Will Ferrell,

Hello again William! It's me, your agent! Due to your explosive movie star career, I've lined up the following projects for you. Please bear with me and tell me which ones you would like to pursue...

- A raunchy comedy about badminton players, possibly set in the 70s. You would play John Birdie, a washed-up badminton expert who comes out of retirement for one last game to try and stop an evil washed-up badminton expert who is trying to do something evil, like create a puppy-killing virus. Movie is tentatively titled "Keep Your Eye on the Birdie!" May also be called "Shuttlecocks." There will definitely be shuttlecock related jokes in the final script.

- A raunchy comedy about bowling, possibly set in the 70s. You would play Steve Brunswick, legendary bowling legend and king of the lanes. Your title as king would be thrust into question by an upstart young bowler with questionable moral character, possibly Seth Rogen or Jonah Hill [which one is which?]. You will learn life lessons that tie into bowling and ultimately win the last game by throwing a strike. Could be called "Strike Out," "Gutterballin' " or "Kingpin." Oh, apparently there already was a "Kingpin" movie. Is it calling out for a remake?

- A raunchy comedy about basketball, possibly set in the 70s. Oh. Sorry. This one is already checked off. My bad...

- A raunchy comedy about cricket, possibly set in the 70s, definitely set in Britain. You would play Horton Q. Gingersnap, noted cricket enthusiast and all around likeable ruffian. You will be playing the cricket match of your life against a rival French (Irish? German? Who does England hate these days?) chap who is seeking to do something of questionable moral character, like knock a rec center down or give orphans the HIV virus. We're trying to get that Borat guy to do it, but we'll settle for Vince Vaughn. Looking at calling it "Sticky Wickets," "Jiminy Cricket!" or " 'Ello Guvna!" Not looking to release this in the States, but English investors are looking for a good sports comedy.

- A raunchy comedy about croquet, possibly set in the 1770s, or whenever croquet was fashionable. We have interns researching what croquet actually is, but you will be comically hit with a mallet 4 or 5 times throughout the course of the film. Looking to get Dakota Fanning to co-star as your precocious little niece who comically refers to hitting your balls (your balls will be comically hit 8 or 9 times during the movie). Looking at calling it "Potato Croquet," "Mallet Rats" or just "Will Ferrell's Esoteric Sport Comedy."

We've only scratched the B's and C's here of various sports comedies you've been offered starring roles in. There's still a curling movie, a jai alai movie, and a movie about pole vaulting (Will have lots of cock jokes; greenlight???). Will, you also still have to let me know about which of the 900 CGI animal movies you'd like to be a part of. I always envisioned you as a talking llama or sloth in some kind of jungle adventure where an adorably unique chimpanzee or a muskrat does things his own way and learns a valuable lesson. I can also try and get you cast on that remake of Gilligan's Island. Are you a Skipper or a Gilligan?

No, I'm just kidding, you're already cast as Gilligan.

hugs and kisses,
Agent B. Agentson

PS - Lorne Michaels called. Desperate for new SNL-themed movie. "Harry Caray's Adventures Through Space and Time?" Think about it.

The DVD Collector's Lament

If I had to pinpoint my biggest vice in this world, it would have to be my love of things. I really, really like to buy things. I especially like to get a good deal on the things that I like. I like to display the things I own and promote conversation concerning my things. It's not that I brag about my things, it's just that my things are an essential part of my being, and I'm vain and like to talk about myself. I am a gestalt of the things I own, and the things I own are pretty friggin' sweet.

But of my many things, the two biggest and most important are my two most sprawling and massive collections: my DVDs and my comics. Comics are great, but not what I want to talk about here. I'm sure there will be plenty more of that down the line, believe me. Today, I want to talk about my DVD collection. I can't really recall a day in recent memory where I haven't had a DVD on for at least some portion of my day, and there certainly hasn't been a week since I began working where I haven't purchased a DVD. On Sundays, the first thing I do is grab the paper, pluck out the Best Buy and Circuit City circulars and check out who has the best deals for what DVDs. In a nice way, I'm a DVD collector, but in a not so nice way, I have an unhealthy problem when it comes to buying DVDs.

The greatest problem with my collection lies in the fact that it takes time to watch a DVD, often 10 hours for some of the better special editions with commentaries and such, yet it's a relatively spontaneous process for me to buy them. ("UHF is only $6? Yoink!") I have a fairly large and growing collection (which you can peruse virtually, here) and I simply don't have the time to watch anywhere near the full amount of content on these DVDs. So, there are a lot of DVDs that I have, but have never watched. That seems strange to me, the rational being. Case in point, a few weeks ago I was reading a list about the best comic book movies ever, and a little remembered movie called "The Rocketeer" graced the list. (I didn't even know it was a comic.) I remember when the movie came out my older brother was a pretty big fan of it and when we subsequently went to DisneyWorld in 1992 or so, The Rocketeer had breakfast with us at one of those character meet and greet meals that Disney does. (Chip and Dale were there too, how cool is that!)

Anyway, I hadn't seen the movie in a good thirteen years, barely remembering what it was about aside from a rocket pack, Jennifer Conolly, and a lot of Nazis. The discover that Terry O'Quinn, Lost's John Locke, played Howard Hughes in the movie ignited within a burning drive to possess "The Rocketeer." I like comics, I like Locke, I like the episode of "Arrested Development" where George Michael gets a rocket pack. Ipso facto, I like "The Rocketeer" (Yes, this is an accurate representation of how my brain works.)

Now, the Rocketeer came out in the very early 90's and had been released in early 2000 as a bare bones DVD (meaning 'special features' that include "Brand New Menus!" and "Theatrical Trailer!" an albatross for serious DVD collectors as myself). It was older and pretty obscure, and that means it was hard to find and it was expensive. Not markedly so, but if you don't buy a DVD at Best Buy or Circuit City, you're overpaying for it, and they didn't have it. So I bought "The Rocketeer" at an overpriced store for about $16. (I actually got it in a sale that was buy 2 for $25; the other movie I got, "Batman: Mask of the Phantasm" is a favorite of mine that I had long wished to own.) This extremely boring and long-winded story about "The Rocketeer" culminates in the following punchline: It's been about a month, and I still have not watched the damn movie.

And this is something I was getting borderline crazed about. "I must buy 'The Rocketeer!'" crazed. Then I got it, suffered some mild mockery from my peers (to the tune of, 'Why would you buy a Disney movie from 15 years ago?' to 'Dude... The Rocketeer?'), and it's been sitting under a pile of other DVDs for weeks now.

And this wasn't a one time thing. When I was a freshman in college, I distinctly remember one weekend when my parents were up. The common thing to do with my parents was to go to the mall (I wonder how I developed my love of spending...), specifically to Target. Target often has sales for DVDs that are either so old that no one who buys DVDs wants them ("The Apple Dumpling Gang?") or were so hyped that they really over-ordered them and misplaced the demand ("SWAT?"). They're usually ten bucks or less, which is a big fucking blinking light to a DVD collector that says, "Hey man, this is cheap." Now, I'm a pretty big fan of Steve Martin, or at least his earlier work and not so much "Cheaper by the Dozen 2." One of the sub-ten-dollar DVDs at Target on this particular evening happened to be "Roxanne," a late-80's retelling of the play Cyranno de Bergerac, with Martin in the Cyranno role with an obnoxiously long synthetic nose. I've long remembered this movie for one of its best lines, where two schmucks are making fun of Martin's character on a tennis court. He approaches them and says, "Boy, I really like your shoes. I like them a lot, but I wouldn't want to be in them" then proceeds to beats them up. Or maybe he walks away. I don't remember.

Where was I going with this? Oh, right. So I'd seen "Roxanne" in high school, when channel 11 would play it constantly along with Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn's "Overboard." It's a funny, sweet little romantic comedy. At least I think it is. You see, the last time I saw it was back in those high school days. I bought it at Target that day with my parents (or more likely it was bought for me, thanks Mom and Dad) fully intending to watch it, and now it's four years later and I still have not.

The list of my unwatched DVDs balloons from there. I own all six "Leprechaun" movies, but have never watched "Leprechaun 2." I got the "Batman- Legacy" box set for Christmas, and still haven't' touched "Batman Forever" or "Batman and Robin" (maybe that's a good thing, though). I bought the complete run of the short-lived TV show "The Flash" earlier this year and didn't make it past the first disc (of seven). I have "Ghoulies" on DVD from a bundled eBay purchase, and have still never attempted to watch it. "Mom and Dad Save the World?" Damn Wal-Mart and it's dirt cheap DVDs...

I don't really have a point here except to highlight the fact that sometimes my desire to fuel my collection eclipses my common sense. I'll close with one more DVD related anecdote that is actually about a friend of mine, not me., though we do have the same name. Just last week, for the first time that I've ever noticed - and I watch these kinds of things diligently - the big two electronics giants (Best Buy and Circuit City) were selling a large swath of DVDs for a scant $4. I'm the guy who bought "Bedazzled" for $20 when it first came out, so DVDs for a fifth of that is a big deal. My friend and I swarmed to the hallowed halls of DVD sales and began to stock up. All told, I only bought two $4 movies, and one $7 movie, as well as a $15 Gamecube game. That put me in the red for $30, which is a pittance to what I sometimes drop. My friend however was much more taken by some of the better sales (and I would have been too if I didn't already have the DVDs involved). Let's just say in addition to $4 DVDs, "Futurama" sets were on sale for $20 each (and usually sold for more than double that) and "Curb Your Enthusiasm" sets were $22 each (not as large a drop, but still a great buy).

All told, my friend dropped roughly $100 in one night, lamenting it immediately since he was trying to save money for his new apartment. I, being a good friend, consoled him by telling him that it'd be ok and that he now had countless hours of phenomenal entertainment. Still, I was the one playing devil's advocate encouraging him to buy them in the first place.

Anyway, the next day I get a message from him saying roughly the following. "Man, I got home last night. I didn't even know what I had bought. It's a blur. I'm looking in the bag and I'm like, "Black Sheep?" What the fuck?"

I love a good DVD sale, and in all honesty, not joking at all, as soon as this is published, I'm off to Best Buy. This week "American Psycho" is $4, and I almost bought it last week for $10. In a way, I'm about to make $6. In another, more accurate way, I have an unhealthy DVD problem.

As a final note, the whole reason I started writing this is because I just received a whole buttload of free DVDs. Where I work, on occasion we get some freebies from a distributor that we are friendly with, and I am the second one to get picks. Today was the jackpot, by far, with a number of DVDs for TV shows I actually like. What's that, free copy of Rodney Dangerfield's "Ladybugs?" You want to come home with me? Absolutely.

There's a wonderful spot for you, right under "The Rocketeer."

Venom's Gonna Eat Yo Brains!

In light of this past weekend's San Diego ComicCon, I felt it only fitting to discuss what I, as a very interested and consciencous observer, took out of ComicCon news coverage to be the most important nugget of information:

In May 2007, Venom is going to eat your brains.

I know, I know. I'm really sorry you have to hear it like this. That motherfucker is going to eat the brains right out of your skull.

See, Venom is kind of like the evil Spider-Man and he needs brains to survive. Director of the Spider-Man film franchise, Sam Raimi, was reluctant to use Venom in his third movie, but really couldn't say no once the very large and imposing Venom came crashing into his office, wrapped a vice-like grip around Raimi's head, and said "Put me in movie or I's gonna eat yo brains!" The Evil Dead director purportedly said,"Yes sir" as feces gripped the sides of his legs.

Venom will be portrayed on the big screen by "That 70s Show" thesp Topher Grace. Grace was also reluctant to take on this very challenging role for the simple reason that Venom promised to eat Grace's brains after shooting finished. Principal photography for the film ended weeks ago and Grace was seen barricading his Hollywood home with flaming barrels and sonic disruptors. Venom's weaknesses are heat, sound and lack of brain flesh. Friend of Grace's, Wilmer Valderrama who played "That 70s Show" sidekick Fez, was brutally murdered by Venom just yards from Grace's house. Police are still looking for Hyde, Jackie, and Tommy Chong, all also reported missing. It is unknown whether Venom stalks Ashton Kutcher, as he was born without a brain.

Reluctantly, the head of Sony's film department, the powerhouse producers of the Spider-Man trilogy, agreed to Venom's very unique brand of marketing for the film. Spinning out of such nouveau marketing ideas like "The LOST Experience" online game or "The DaVinci Code's" Seek the Clues game, "Spider-Man 3" will be presented in real-life "VenomVision" wherein the hulking brute will devour movie-goers' brains at random and inopportune times during presentations of the film. He will be hiding in the rafters of movie houses across the country, dipping down into the crowds as he pleases, lobotomizing patrons with his snake-like tongue and razor sharp teeth.

A surprise appearance by Venom at ComicCon was greeted with shrieks of glee and horror. "I can't believe the REAL Venom is here!" yelled one fan moments before he was maimed and dismembered by Venom's bare hands. "BRAINS!" said Venom, when questioned by local authorities.

Born Eddie Brock, his hatred of Spider-Man coupled with a powerful alien symbiote turned him into Venom. Readers may remember the election of 2000, wherein Venom threw his hat into the running for the Republican party nomination. "Venom think no child be left behind!" was his response to our country's education problems.

Yes, friends, May 4th, 2007 will truly be a black day for American brains.