In light of this past weekend's San Diego ComicCon, I felt it only fitting to discuss what I, as a very interested and consciencous observer, took out of ComicCon news coverage to be the most important nugget of information:
In May 2007, Venom is going to eat your brains.
I know, I know. I'm really sorry you have to hear it like this. That motherfucker is going to eat the brains right out of your skull.
See, Venom is kind of like the evil Spider-Man and he needs brains to survive. Director of the Spider-Man film franchise, Sam Raimi, was reluctant to use Venom in his third movie, but really couldn't say no once the very large and imposing Venom came crashing into his office, wrapped a vice-like grip around Raimi's head, and said "Put me in movie or I's gonna eat yo brains!" The Evil Dead director purportedly said,"Yes sir" as feces gripped the sides of his legs.
Venom will be portrayed on the big screen by "That 70s Show" thesp Topher Grace. Grace was also reluctant to take on this very challenging role for the simple reason that Venom promised to eat Grace's brains after shooting finished. Principal photography for the film ended weeks ago and Grace was seen barricading his Hollywood home with flaming barrels and sonic disruptors. Venom's weaknesses are heat, sound and lack of brain flesh. Friend of Grace's, Wilmer Valderrama who played "That 70s Show" sidekick Fez, was brutally murdered by Venom just yards from Grace's house. Police are still looking for Hyde, Jackie, and Tommy Chong, all also reported missing. It is unknown whether Venom stalks Ashton Kutcher, as he was born without a brain.
Reluctantly, the head of Sony's film department, the powerhouse producers of the Spider-Man trilogy, agreed to Venom's very unique brand of marketing for the film. Spinning out of such nouveau marketing ideas like "The LOST Experience" online game or "The DaVinci Code's" Seek the Clues game, "Spider-Man 3" will be presented in real-life "VenomVision" wherein the hulking brute will devour movie-goers' brains at random and inopportune times during presentations of the film. He will be hiding in the rafters of movie houses across the country, dipping down into the crowds as he pleases, lobotomizing patrons with his snake-like tongue and razor sharp teeth.
A surprise appearance by Venom at ComicCon was greeted with shrieks of glee and horror. "I can't believe the REAL Venom is here!" yelled one fan moments before he was maimed and dismembered by Venom's bare hands. "BRAINS!" said Venom, when questioned by local authorities.
Born Eddie Brock, his hatred of Spider-Man coupled with a powerful alien symbiote turned him into Venom. Readers may remember the election of 2000, wherein Venom threw his hat into the running for the Republican party nomination. "Venom think no child be left behind!" was his response to our country's education problems.
Yes, friends, May 4th, 2007 will truly be a black day for American brains.
